Day 9 SEP My struggle with the pain.

Hi,
I am Rahul from New Delhi, India. Today is the 9th day of my SEP. For the last 18 months I have been suffering from lower back pain. I couldn't sit for more that 15-20 mins. I started using standing desk. When the pain started I was pushing myself too much. I was lifting weights, doing yoga, pushing myself harder at work. It started as a dull pain in the sides of my thighs but when I found early degenerative changes in my reports, I just got too scared. I googled about arthritis and I just got too scared and stressed out. The symptoms spread to the knee, feet and neck as well. Now I can see how my stressing over the diagnoses caused the pain. I read Dr. Sarno's healing back pain but I think I made the mistake of thinking that I just need to read it once and ignore the pain. It resulted in less stress but I didn't get rid of the pain. 10-12 months into the pain I forgot totally about the book and thought that I have got something structural , I got the MRI's done and there was a Syringomyelia in my spinal cord. Seeing the reports, I just panicked, I googled again and had all kind of burning pain in the legs, feet, eye twitches. I thought that I was going to die. When the neurologist saw the reports he said that it's nothing. A lot of people have it since birth. It's not causing the back pain. But now, the pain was not in just the back. It was in the hands, legs, feet, and this time it was burning pain, nerve pain. I just couldn't understand how in a few days time my body can develop such severe symptoms. Interestingly before the MRI, I said to my friend that my pain has drastically reduced. I don't think that I should even go for the MRI, I will be healed in a months time. I was just confused about the whole burning pain. One night I was just thinking and remembered Sarno's book. I googled about burning nerve pain as TMS and found few stories on this site. I read Dr. Sarno's Mindbody prescription. It's been a month now since I read it and for the first time I am hopeful that I will get better. l have started taking my TMS diagnosis seriously and I don't want to go to the doctors anymore. I have gone through the nerve conduction test and the reports were normal but still the doctor prescribed gabapentin. I felt drowsy after taking it for few days. I have stopped taking it completely for the last one month. Pain has just remained the same. In fact a little less (20 percent) after I have accepted the diagnoses. I just want to do the SEP wholeheartedly and remain patient. From now on I will be making posts about SEP and let's hope that the day is not far when I will post my success story.

 

Hello and welcome. For some people, accepting that the pain is caused by your brain is enough to get rid of it, but I think most of us have to do the hard emotional work to convince our brains that the stress in our lives and difficult emotions it generates are okay to experience and not dangerous. The SEP can be hard, but it is very helpful in accomplishing this. It sounds like you already have a great handle on how your stress about the pain made it spread. At this point, my main advice is to be patient with your healing and understand there is no specific timeline you should follow. You may feel great in a week or a year. Either way, losing your fear of the pain is the main priority. It's easier said than done, but the program will help you get there. Good luck!

 

Hello ssxl4000, I will certainly keep this advice of yours in mind.-
"At this point, my main advice is to be patient with your healing and understand there is no specific timeline you should follow. You may feel great in a week or a year."
I think I have a tendency to think in terms of timeline. I have even set a date for myself before I want to be 100 percent better. Thank you so much for the advice. I'll stop thinking about recovery in terms of time. I would rather take each day at a time.

 

@Rahul, I don't know anyone in Delhi but there is a person in mumbai who knows about TMS. Here's a link to his video on his talk on TMS. Mostly English but some Hindi as well



Here is more from him

https://www.youtube.com/user/ssybhavin (Krishna Bhaavin)

Pls keep doing the SEP & gd luck

Mala

 

Thank you very much Mala. Right now I want to focus on doing the SEP. Interestingly, within last 2 days I have found that my pain is much less. Yesterday, I had moments where I just forgot everything about pain. It just feels so magical! Just 30 days back I was thinking that I've got some really bad condition and today I feel that I am absolutely normal. I just need to not give attention to the pain and it will go away. I have a question- I get really excited and happy when the pain is less. Is my excitement a hinderance in recovery? Will I be somehow fixated on the pain by becoming happy about the recovery?

 

Hello ssxl4000, I will certainly keep this advice of yours in mind.-
"At this point, my main advice is to be patient with your healing and understand there is no specific timeline you should follow. You may feel great in a week or a year."
I think I have a tendency to think in terms of timeline. I have even set a date for myself before I want to be 100 percent better. Thank you so much for the advice. I'll stop thinking about recovery in terms of time. I would rather take each day at a time.

 

Welcome Rahul, and wishing you the best experience in the SEP!

I think you should enjoy the magical success that you're experiencing! This cannot hurt you. I add though that should the pain return some, don't be discouraged. This is normal. And don't blame yourself if this happens. And know that you've lost no ground. You're in a learning experience which is expanding. You're doing things right! Enjoy, celebrate, and be patient when needed.

Andy

 

Thank you Andy,
I think I am already enjoying the process of recovery. I haven't felt this good regardless of pain in months. I still have pain (much less though) but I think the fear of pain has gone. I think the day I posted on this forum was an acceptance of diagnosis at a deeper level. It's too early to say anything else but I am in just awe of how intricately our body and mind are connected. Had I not read some recovery stories on this forum, including yours, I couldn't have believed ever that my mind can create the pain I was in.

 

Do continue with the SEP. The fact that you have had some relief is very positive & YES you should celebrate your successes & in fact reward yourself for them because this sends signals to yr brain that you do not fear the pain & that is very important to your recovery. I don't see how your being happy would hinder yr recovery. In fact it would enhance recovery as positive emotions play a very important part in recovery.

Fred Amir used rewards & affirmations to recover using sarno's theories. Listen to this podcast. U will find it extremely useful.

https://www.google.com/search?q=fred+amir+podcast&rlz=1C5GCEA_enHK860HK861&oq=fred+amir+podcast&aqs=chrome..69i57.5405j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8 (fred amir podcast - Google Search)

Mala

 

Hi Rahul! Some of the symptoms you describe seem similar to mine, especially the burning or dull nerve pain in limbs. Mine is migratory. I have only just started the SEP and I hope it will help me recover. I had a negative nerve study too (no real neuropathy), seen an orthopedist and rheumatologist (everything looks fine) and was also prescribed a drug for the pains I get and I do take it but too short to be having results. I take an antidepressant because my pain began only a little while ago and it caused me major health anxiety flare, which I am recovering from. I know drugs won’t resolve my problems but I hope to take them for a short time only.​

I hope we will both experience success with this program. I 100% believe it’s TMS but I am a bit scared I will not be able to resolve it by myself, but I guess I should believe in myself more.
Good luck!

 

Thank you Mala,
I will make sure that I enjoy every little milestone in my recovery.

 

Hi Jula. In the last 18 months I have been to 2 rheumatologist, 1 Orthopedist, 2 Neurologist, 2 Physical Therapists. I have done various blood tests for inflammation, vitamin deficiencies, everything is fine. Nothing actually helped, on the contrary running from one doctor to another induced more fear and helplessness. In 18 months the only thing that helped me was accepting the TMS one month back. In a month's time I can see how depressed I was with the pain. I was contemplating about the meaning of life. I was curious about what will happen after death. I thought having such thoughts was normal. Now I see how it wasn't. Now I see what hope can do to you. I am absolutely in awe of what positive emotions can do. I still have symptoms, but I know that it's TMS and I know it will pass. Accepting this has made it much easier for me. My symptoms are much less. At the peak of my symptoms my limbs were burning like hell. Be hopeful! Be positive! I think that we should just stick to the program and ask for help and support from the senior members. Your fears about not being able to resolve you issues on your own might fade away in some time during the course of SEP. I think we should learn from our pain and evolve into a calmer, self loving and authentic person. Best wishes!
Rahul

 

Day 19 update.
I started running again after 18 months. It's been 3 days that I am running consistently and my feet are feeling much better, the burning pain in feet simply fades away while running. It come backs later though. Overall pain is reducing every single day. My mother passed away in 2017, while journaling I have tears in my eyes. I just cry like a baby, it seems as if I am screaming with sadness. Every time I start journaling about my mom, tears and sadness are inevitable. Should I continue journaling about her or should I move on. I think if I will remember her 100 times, I will just cry 100 times. What should I do?

 

Hello, if you find your journals on a particular topic getting repetitive, I believe it's time to move on. The goal is to get buried emotions out, so once they're on the paper, you don't need to keep putting yourself through the pain. That said, if you find new things to write about, keep going. With my mom (she died several years ago), I had a bunch of journals about her relating to things she did that made me angry, things I did to her that I never apologized for, anger at her for dying and throwing our family in chaos (that's a hard one as it seems really terrible, but it's a normal part of grieving that I did not let myself feel after her passing). I don't think there is a rule for these things, you kind of just write/meditate/reflect until you don't feel the need anymore. Keep up the good work!