Day 9, second time around

[Starschild]

Hi,
So I did the Alan Gordon recovery programme over the summer and a few days of the structural education programme, but as my hands got better and I returned to university (after a year out for the pain) my journaling and my TMS work tapered off. I kept up the adjusted attitude, fighting the shoulds and the self criticism for another month or two, but somewhere along the way it creeped back into my attitude and the way I think and react.
At the end of the term the pain returned, I recognised it, and have started the programme again, but am still in more pain most days this month than I have been since the summer - I try to think psychological and I know 100% that it stems from my mind, it's just so frustrating to relapse, and I don't know if I'm doing enough to recover this time round. The self crisism has a wonderful way of working itself into everything, including my recovery -
"If I know it's just my mind, if I know it's because I'm being critical again, If I know it's because I'm putting too much pressure on myself - if I know all this why haven't I got better yet? What is wrong with me that I slipped so far back and haven't found my way out - how silly!"
I can hear it, but it's so difficult to change, to know that what you are doing is right, is enough!

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Starschild. I think your pain returned because you never really did the Structured Educational Program work. But you will get there and heal because of your strong belief that TMS emotions are causing your pain. That's the main thing in TMS healing. Don't bully yourself about slipping back. Your positive TMS thoughts and actions will make you well again.

 

[Laughalot]

I've been there and am there! I started the SEP over a month ago and should be done by now (I'm on Day 17). I originally recovered after reading Sarno's Healing Back Pain six years ago, and decided to start the SEP after finding the TMS Wiki because I knew I still had TMS (although it wasn't as debilitating as before), and could use training in how to think effectively.

It sounds like you've made great progress - to be able to go back to school and stay through an entire term! You just got caught up in school life, it happens! I went two years of grad school spiraling deeper and deeper into TMS symptoms without any consistent journaling practice; by the end of it I was barely functioning! So good on you for seeing what's happening and committing to journaling again.

You're in good company Starschild!

 

[Starschild]

Thank you both for your messages, it's good to know that I'm not the only one to go though similar set backs! It is really hard to do the SEP programme every day (I'm not managing either),
But we will get there in the end!

 

[KevinB]

Thank you both for your messages, it's good to know that I'm not the only one to go though similar set backs! It is really hard to do the SEP programme every day (I'm not managing either),
But we will get there in the end!

I'm doing the program for the 2nd time as well - I finished it the first time in July and was 100% pain free for 4 months; but then work, wife preg. w/ first child, and sudden death of close friend got the best of me and symptoms came back... I had all the same thoughts as you described above, "I know what this is, why won't it go away?!?!?!" - I'm near the end of the SEP and I'll tell you, I've learned SO MUCH more about myself and many deep things that I didn't address the first time around. THAT is why it didn't just vanish... my back pain has lessened, but it's still there, which tells me there's still work to do. For me, this biggest "aha" has been realizing how much self hatred I've had most of my life... I don't even like to write that because it just seems so YUCK, but it's true. So practicing, using all the tools I've acquired through this program, to like/love, forgive, and accept myself, has been the most important undertaking I've ever done, seriously, in my life! I'm nearly 39 and it's a shame that I'm only now seeing the importance, no, necessity, of self love! But better late than never... And I also think it will be an ongoing process. It doesn't seem to be the case that one cultivates self love and that's that, no more work. Like you mentioned above, we make progress, but then we get complacent and our old thoughts/behaviors can come back. I can't expect to "fix" all this stuff permanently in a 6 week program after 30+ years of unconscious negativity, you know? Hope your journey is revealing and fruitful.

Kev

 

[Laughalot]

For me, this biggest "aha" has been realizing how much self hatred I've had most of my life... I don't even like to write that because it just seems so YUCK, but it's true. So practicing, using all the tools I've acquired through this program, to like/love, forgive, and accept myself, has been the most important undertaking I've ever done, seriously, in my life! I'm nearly 39 and it's a shame that I'm only now seeing the importance, no, necessity, of self love! But better late than never... And I also think it will be an ongoing process. It doesn't seem to be the case that one cultivates self love and that's that, no more work. Like you mentioned above, we make progress, but then we get complacent and our old thoughts/behaviors can come back. I can't expect to "fix" all this stuff permanently in a 6 week program after 30+ years of unconscious negativity, you know? Hope your journey is revealing and fruitful.
Kev

Thank you for this fantastic share, and congrats on your new child Kev! It seems like at the core of TMS is this perspective of the self as not enough. It's debilitating! The craziest thing is how circuitous the thought process of Not Good Enough is: I'm so hard on myself for not being a good friend and get caught up in my thoughts about how I'm a no-good loser. That obsession causes me to become an anxious wreck when I'm with friends, to the point that friends wonder what the heck is wrong with me.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Laughalot. I fnd that true friends accept us as we are, and know that we can change at times. Try to just enjoy your friends and not wonder what they think is wrong with you. I love the word "circuitous." It's one of my favorites in describing how life can lead us this way or that, to this person or event or that. I believe it is God playing checkers or chess with us, always leading us to the right people or events when we need them most. Trust in the Lord who led you to pain but also to TMS healing. And there's nothing wrong with you. You're just human and we all have our ups and downs, good times and bad. The bad cycle will soon end and you will be happy and healthy again. Keep believing The best is yet to come.