New Program Day 8: The Ignition for Change

[Wendyc]

i dont exactly pressure myself, if anything, i'm a type B personality and i feel guilt over that, like i'm unmovtivated, lazy, and a piece of crap for it. I also blame myself for having pain, and i actually tell people "sorry" for having pain, like, i'm sorry I'm not who i used to be, i'm sorry i'm not that fun girl you used to know. i tell my partner i'm sorry i cant be that mountain biking princess he probably misses and wants and constantly beat myself up that he'll leave. I actually blame myself for being "born broken" as if it was genetic. I suspect these are the thoughts i need to stop immediately. I completely well up whenever i hear these "self care" type threads because i know i treat myself like crap, like i deserved this.

I totally understand, sometimes I look into the mirror and ask myself what happened to you??... It's time to trust the process we are learning. I'm so tired of being this way and I trust I can get out of this hole.

 

[Norrie]

Day 8: The Ignition for Change

Imagine that you had a 5-year-old child who you were sending off to kindergarten for the first time. You pack his little lunchbox, you zip up his backpack, and you beam with pride as he walks into the classroom.

After school, you pick him up, and see tears in his eyes – some second grader named Johnny had been bullying him on the playground.

Immediately you spring to action: you hug your kid, you let him know he’s going to be okay, you schedule a meeting with the principal, and you plan on having a little “chat” with Johnny the next day.

All of these actions are motivated by one thing: love. You care about your kid. You’re not protecting him because you’re supposed to, or because you’re practicing a technique, you’re doing it because it matters to you how he’s treated.

Learning to Care

In order to overcome the tendency to scare yourself, pressure yourself, and criticize yourself, there’s a three step-process.

1. Recognizing these behaviors

2. Caring about how you’re treated

3. Intervening on your own behalf

Step 2 is the one that people generally gloss over. The source of motivation matters. It can be difficult to effectively intervene on your own behalf, if it’s not coming from a place of self-love.

In the following clip, notice the transformation that Brandon goes through in just a few minutes:

Click here to download the mp3 audio file​

Early on, he’s interested in techniques solely so he can get out pain, but after getting in touch with his own humanity, he actually cares that he’s being treated cruelly.

When there’s true emotional investment, self-care can go from “a technique you’re using to get out of pain” to “something you want to do because it matters to you how you’re treated.”

The Process of Change

For many people, it’s hard to generate a feeling of self-love. You can have all the love in the world for your children, parents, friends, nieces, nephews, co-workers, Instagram followers, favorite athletes, and Disney characters that aren’t even real, but when it comes to your own self, it can be a lot more challenging.

And I can give you inspirational quotes, or play Christina Aguilera songs telling you how beautiful you are, but the truth is, a poor self-image develops in the same way that everything else does – through learned neural pathways.

And just as these neural pathways have been learned, they can be unlearned.

Tomorrow we’ll be covering specific techniques to deactivate your danger signals and work toward teaching your brain to feel safe…in other words, you’ll be learning to treat yourself with love.

​

WOW this really hit a BIG nerve with me and I feel its possibly what has been slowing up my recovery. I am brutal to myself the worst friend and devoid of love or compassion. I feel such love deeply for my husband and some family members and yet I remember growing up in constant criticism, primarily on being lazy, not loving my Mam enough , constantly on how I looked and the judgments were very harsh from an early age.I NEVER STOP beating up on myself internally and to my husband, he cannot understand that every compliment I get a am right back with a challenge insult about myself on said compliment. I put 3 stone on with a new drug to allow me to work (I broke L4,L5 ) and my Mam (now deceased) said I looked like a big heavy woman and I was letting myself go , of how it didn't suit me and she commented on it every time I saw her sometimes daily. My weight went up to 12st10lbs and I am 5ft 9 a size 10-12 US at the time . I was told me at a very early age about 7 that I was not white I was Blue , Highland blue( I was born and lived till I was 4 in Scotland) and that my legs looked like cadavers legs and I was then bought fake tan to look " better". I have very curly hair and from the age of 5 she used a clothes Iron to try to straighten it with stinky setting lotion - it never worked it was smelly and looked an old dolls head , and said it was a birds nest, she then combed it out into an enormous fuzz which was a laughing stock.I was 16 when I went to the USA and my Mam and sister dyed my Redish hair yellow blond as " Green eyes, white skin and red hair made me look too Irish!!!. stories go on , but I realize I took this toxic narrative as gospel and it became my truth. My Mammy is dead and I miss her but God I am doing a better job of bullying me that she even did and I don't seem to be able to stop as I believe it at the time. Please help , the constant diatribe and internal conversation only sees and amplifies the negative and its wearing. I want to change but dont know how.

 

[Norrie]

Yes I can definitely relate to todays teaching and with everyone's comments. I have noticed that I feel pressured from the time I wake up that these internal loops that go on in my head that Im not even aware of that I must walk, stretch, meditate, read this book, see this therapist or I wont get better- and it is pressure on myself, but hard to stop because I want to get better and every physical therapist or doctor or mind-body therapist people like Feldenkrais or meditation expert says, you need to do this everyday or you will further deteriorate. I too am very embarrassed about my physical limitations and pain and apologize to people and because that it is embarrassing and I am so embarrassed I have stopped my social connections to just focus on getting better and I don't want to feel embarrassed about my physical/emotional state. I realize it is hard for people to understand because I can barely understand why I cant sit for more than 20 minutes before feeling pain, and cant stand for more than five minutes before feeling pain. I was in a relationship that began about ten years ago and I ended it two years ago because it was so hard to juggle being there as a girlfriend and needing to do things to try to reduce my pain level. It was the most difficult thing I ever did and to this day I wonder if it was the right thing to do. Yes I also find it hard to self-love- I dont know if i ever really learned that.

I understand completely, the endless list of tasks even the things I do to get better I too meditate but its on my to do list and visited so many times as "must do" that it too becomes another chore that lazy me has to achieve.I become so focused on doing ALL the things I must do that if I miss one I come down like a ton a brick on myself regardless of the reason even if it is genuine; I say things like " well you don't want to get better enough, you can't even get your self to do simple tasks to get better well you're a fool and deserve what you are getting" hope we can move through this and find peace.

 

[Cat Lady 13]

Norrie I am sorry you had to go through that growing up. You are a beautiful person inside and out and I hope you can begin to see yourself in that way.

I have had a hard time being kind to myself. My mother didn't necessarily criticize me but never gave me much encouragement. She has her own serious issues with depression and hated herself when I was growing up to the point she tried to commit suicide several times. So how could someone that like make me feel good about myself? She could not. I am beginning to understand that and try to be kind to myself.

 

[Norrie]

Norrie I am sorry you had to go through that growing up. You are a beautiful person inside and out and I hope you can begin to see yourself in that way.

I have had a hard time being kind to myself. My mother didn't necessarily criticize me but never gave me much encouragement. She has her own serious issues with depression and hated herself when I was growing up to the point she tried to commit suicide several times. So how could someone that like make me feel good about myself? She could not. I am beginning to understand that and try to be kind to myself.

Thanks for the kind words , we all have reasons and are working to move through this , childhood for you was also a challenge but we are here and that is in the NOW so I say GOOD FOR USxx

 

[fern]

This post challenged me because I think I do love myself unconditionally. I love my inner life. I love my life in this world. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and joy often. But I also put pressure on myself, ruminate, and take an anxious stance toward a lot of things. I've been paying attention to the voice of my inner critic, pressurer, and worrier over the last few days, and it is certainly the voice of my mom, and sometimes of my dad. But what struck me today is that it's not the sound of their voice talking to ME. It's the way they each talk to THEMSELVES.

There's this line in Serenity where River, a psychic who has been given some terrible and traumatic memories from others' minds, says, "They're not mine. The memories, they're not mine, and I shouldn't have to carry them." I think that's how I feel about my own negative self-talk now. It's not my voice, and it was never meant for me in the first place. It's just how I learned to be, watching my parents as models.

Discovering and trusting my real voice will take time and effort, but it sure would be nice to know it better. I know that, at its truest, it comes from a deep well of self-love, and I know that when the voices of pressure, rumination, and anxiety are speaking in me, I feel constricted and less like myself. Maybe now I know why.

 

[jessicaLee]

Thanks for sharing these lessons and your experience. I am so thankful for finding help without a price tag on it, so generous of you. I have paid thousands upon thousands of dollars to specialists who could really care less and I have gotten no where. It is such a lonely and isolating feeling to be told there is nothing wrong with you . One professional even rolled his eyes at me and told me I was crazy. The last few days of reading here and seeing the posts of others in the same or similar I situation as me really helps. I was born a very sick baby and was told I wouldn't live, but I hung on and after open heart surgery at age 3 I survived. I am 56 now and have been suffering with chronic pain for a while. When my pain (facial and neck) gets bad it overwhelms to the point where I say to myself I was born to die with a bad heart, never meant to live and if that was my fate why am I still here? Maybe my pain is telling me living was a mistake.

 

[jessicaLee]

Trying to trust the process of learning but support is helpful

 

[plum]

Thanks for sharing these lessons and your experience. I am so thankful for finding help without a price tag on it, so generous of you. I have paid thousands upon thousands of dollars to specialists who could really care less and I have gotten no where. It is such a lonely and isolating feeling to be told there is nothing wrong with you . One professional even rolled his eyes at me and told me I was crazy. The last few days of reading here and seeing the posts of others in the same or similar I situation as me really helps. I was born a very sick baby and was told I wouldn't live, but I hung on and after open heart surgery at age 3 I survived. I am 56 now and have been suffering with chronic pain for a while. When my pain (facial and neck) gets bad it overwhelms to the point where I say to myself I was born to die with a bad heart, never meant to live and if that was my fate why am I still here? Maybe my pain is telling me living was a mistake.

Living is not a mistake. It is the most precious and priceless of gifts. You are meant to be here and to enjoy being here.

Given what happened to you as a sweet little babe it is no wonder you experience some lingering trauma, some sense of being in danger. This is something you can release and be free of.

It takes time to truly understand TMS and then it takes time to assimilate and deeply understand how it manifests in your life. In doing both the SEP and Alan's new program you are taking in a feast of knowledge which needs digestion time...and so this is a time in your recovery where kindness and gentleness with yourself must prevail. Do your best to be curious and playful with the dance of knowledge and insight, let it move you. Yield control. Let your fears fall silent. They are only mind-chatter.

Our nervous systems are amazingly plastic and astoundingly forgiving. We simply need to learn a new way of being, commit to it, and let it become us. The pain is the old you. The new you awaits. She is pain-free, sage and loving. Let her be your guiding light and where I can I'll guide you too.

Plum x

 

[jessicaLee]

Thank you for your kindness Plum. I am working hard and the support is valuable. It seems we have a similar story. Facial pain is debilitating. Wishing you health and peace

 

[sacolucci23]

I can really resonate with this. I am constantly feeling like I do everything. I actually always say, "this is all on me." It's because if someone doesn't do something I ask, I can take on the responsibility. Then, I blame myself for not being around or working too hard and my kids missing out. I am so hard on myself and either I am upset, stressed or feel a tremendous amount of guilt.

 

[plum]

I can really resonate with this. I am constantly feeling like I do everything. I actually always say, "this is all on me." It's because if someone doesn't do something I ask, I can take on the responsibility. Then, I blame myself for not being around or working too hard and my kids missing out. I am so hard on myself and either I am upset, stressed or feel a tremendous amount of guilt.

The same is true for me. I'm becoming much better at asserting my boundaries.
One of the hardest lessons for recovering people-pleasers is to be able to say 'No' and tolerate the guilt that follows. We assume too much responsibility which ends up overwhelming us. And then we get TMS.

We have to learn to put ourselves first. Only when we are rested and soothed can we be of genuine service to others. I think understanding the difference between possessing a healthy self interest as opposed to being thoroughly selfish is one of the major themes in the genesis of TMS.

I wish you well in the untangling of this. It's something of an on-going issue for me but I am getting much better at it.

 

[HeleneCured]

Many of us who are at this forum have lots of baggage from our past (or our parent's past, as we live in a broken world and are born to broken people), and as I first started exploring TMS, I was discouraged about discovering all the crap of childhood that, in a way, led to chronic pain. Feeling like a victim was a horrible trap, as it made me feel powerless and took away my agency to face my challenges. A victim tends to interprets his/her life in a negative light, in a self-sabotaging manner. We all have a version of our own life story, interpreted through a certain lens, and it is one that we repeat to ourselves unconsciously over and over. To break this harmful cycle of seeing myself as a victim, I have found it helpful to reinterpret my life through a new lens. I wrote down this new and better version of my life events (still factual, but focusing on a redemptive storyline), it is the only version I repeat to myself, and I found that very therapeutic. Try writing the story of your life with you as the protagonist/heroine, focusing on what you were able to learn, to overcome, and how pain has helped to enrich your life, understand yourself, help others etc. The facts of my life have not changed, but my interpretation of life's events has changed, and now I feel grateful to be who I am today, to be alive and living in hope. This outlook will empower you and and lead you toward healing. Hugs, and good luck!

What a wonderful idea. I will definitely rewrite my own story and then stick to it. Thank you so much.

 

[HeleneCured]

Living is not a mistake. It is the most precious and priceless of gifts. You are meant to be here and to enjoy being here.

Given what happened to you as a sweet little babe it is no wonder you experience some lingering trauma, some sense of being in danger. This is something you can release and be free of.

It takes time to truly understand TMS and then it takes time to assimilate and deeply understand how it manifests in your life. In doing both the SEP and Alan's new program you are taking in a feast of knowledge which needs digestion time...and so this is a time in your recovery where kindness and gentleness with yourself must prevail. Do your best to be curious and playful with the dance of knowledge and insight, let it move you. Yield control. Let your fears fall silent. They are only mind-chatter.

Our nervous systems are amazingly plastic and astoundingly forgiving. We simply need to learn a new way of being, commit to it, and let it become us. The pain is the old you. The new you awaits. She is pain-free, sage and loving. Let her be your guiding light and where I can I'll guide you too.

Plum x

Having read several of your very loving and kind replies, I wanted to thank you, Plum. You give me so much hope and light. Yes, my fears need to fall silent. How beautifully said. By the way, I had a first exercise in being kinder and more loving to myself this week. I made a mistake in my job and was able to not beat me up for it and see it as a part of our normal human life. A first success for me! Really letting go of it is the more difficult thing. But one step at a time. And by the way, you also answered my questions whether to do only Alan's program or the SEP, too. Thanks again and I hope to read more from you.

 

[plum]

Having read several of your very loving and kind replies, I wanted to thank you, Plum. You give me so much hope and light. Yes, my fears need to fall silent. How beautifully said. By the way, I had a first exercise in being kinder and more loving to myself this week. I made a mistake in my job and was able to not beat me up for it and see it as a part of our normal human life. A first success for me! Really letting go of it is the more difficult thing. But one step at a time. And by the way, you also answered my questions whether to do only Alan's program or the SEP, too. Thanks again and I hope to read more from you.

Thank You for those kind words. Healing truly is the most beautiful gift you can give yourself. Simply relax and enjoy getting to know your deepest self and you'll find the healing happens all by its self.

With love and blessings for your full recovery,

Plum x

 

[Kevin Barry]

The scenario about the bullying seems like a fairy tale to me. I was bullied and criticized at home, so I would never have told my parent what happened. I don't remember being comforted or supported by my parents, so I learned to never expect it. The idea of providing it to myself seems nice and I try, but if you have really low self-esteem it's hard to value your own comforting. But part this is part of my recovery journey to be sure.

That's exactly it Ellen . . . it all takes time and there is no reason for the rhyme of the amount of time that it takes me to recover. Today I am very glad that I have been given the gift of time. And I am glad that you have too. Thanks for reminding me.

 

[LindenSwole]

Pretty eerie audio clip. Brandon reminds myself of me. In fact, I had shoulder surgery about 5 months before my symptoms came on and I spent 42 days in a sling and unable to parent with my wife. She got our daughter ready in the morning, took her to school, picked her up, etc. She also cared and nurtured for me. A lot of the time I would sit down by myself and think of how bad it was that I wasn't helping and how terrible I was for not selling well at work at the time, and how bad I was for not being able to go to the gym. Meanwhile, i'm popping pain pills and just doing this circle of misery.

Yikes.

Brandon, I feel you.

My problems were absolutely neural pathway pain. I'd say it took about 3-4 months of real self-loathing before my symptoms caught up to me; that is not that much time considering how many years i lived without pain. I'm so happy to turn this switch off.

 

[PumpkinPie]

Wow, that landed. I don't feel explicit criticism of myself - just continual exhortation and action to do better, try harder, be more - which implies I'm not as good as I ought to be. And I put this wonderful crap on some of the people I love who are around me too. I realise that's how I was raised - to get on and do something about it all. Not much room left for compassion in all that action. Now trying not to "do something" about that to, but to just be with that revelation.

 

[Treedreams]

I’m listening to the audio session and hearing things I’ve wanted /needed to hear forever. I’ve heard many times that I’m brutal to myself but never knew an alternative. Strange how no therapist helped me see how I whipped myself to do more...and instead hear only the voice of one family member telling me I am not enough, or have to push harder. The voice of judgement and criticism is what is loudest... now I can realize that this last episode of injuring a foot came when I was forcing myself to keep going and keep enduring when I could have said no.

 

[Bodhigirl]

You cannot steal that which is given freely and with Love <3

Haha, “my eyes are leaking” is an old Robin Williams line from Mork & Mindy ...which makes my eyes leak!