New Program Day 8: The Ignition for Change

[GShaw]

I am back after a year having done the structured program. Just wanted to thank everyone here, expressing our thoughts and our stories is very helpful for others. This day I realized why every method I applied didn't help me!
I was not used to "lose" , I did everything right, didn't make many mistakes, I was so so judging towards others and mostly to myself. I got used to believe - its the way I brought up, that if I put pressure to myself I will succeed. Ooouuuf.
Enlightening. And many stories are very helpful, we are so the same! Patterns of the way we are brought up are patterns the way our parents brought up and finally the whole society.
We are lucky to have this forum and we are lucky these symptoms- whatever one has- are our true self who says, enough is enough! Go and enjoy yourself, love yourself otherwise I an not leaving!
Thank you all of you

You're so correct! The majority of us are brought up in a similar manner. This goes back in the history of our families.

Once you understand this concept it is my belief you can start to look at life differently.

The key is to really start to love yourself and learn we deserve everything and anything we desire. We are also all capable to have everything we desire. Do not let your mind tell you anything different.

Important to remember, our mind does not want us to live the life we desire.

 

[maryj]

Today's lesson really hit home! For some reason, I had not been very enthusiastic about the lessons until today. It was like I've heard it all before and read all the books, including those by the great late John Sarno. But Alan's post today (especially the audio segment) made me realize just how self-critical I am. It is constant day and night. The list seems endless. I criticize myself for not painting the shed, for not taking better care of the garden, for not staying in better touch with friends, for putting off a long-neglected writing project... All of these things may need doing, but the constant criticism is not accomplishing a thing. It needs to stop! NOW!
And I must begin right now to show myself more compassion! I already feel a bit better from realizing this.
Isn't it amazing how often we need what should be obvious pointed out to us. Thanks to Alan and all my fellow TMS compatriots.

This resonated with me as well. I try to be very nurturing towards others but not myself. I’m not sure I love myself. I mean I’m not quite sure what that should feel like. I also feel a lot of pressure from my husband. He just retired and I feel like I’m letting him down bc I don’t want to do a lot of things with him bc of my pain and fear of pain. He has a strong belief system, sort of a “suck it up” belief system that I feel is discompassionate and it makes me feel weak and lazy that I can’t do that. And now he’s home a LOT more than he used to be. I feel like I have no space for working on TMS, or I should say my space revolves around him and when he won’t be around so that I can focus on this. I’m doing it though and it is helping. I just wish I could share more of this with him and have him be understanding of it.

 

[Xara]

. I’m not sure I love myself

There is a chance, I assume, that there is a part in as that loves ourselves. It is our mind/ body which says no, instead of as and wants to protect as. Sometimes it exaggerates, but we have to listen to it ( I don't have yet did it, I only feel it)

 

[Xara]

not protecting him because you’re supposed to, or because you’re practicing a technique, you’re doing it because it matters to you how he’s treated.

So right...

 

[JanAtheCPA]

I’m not sure I love myself.

It's a core human issue - lack of self love and compassion. I think the sociologists/anthropologists have theories about why this developed in us - whatever, it really sucks.

Anyway, the thing to do is start slow. Right here. Because I always say that in order to heal, you need to love yourself enough to know, in your heart, that you DESERVE to heal. You can do that, right?

First step: at least once a day, give yourself a HUGE amount of credit just for being here and being open-minded enough to do this work.

~Jan

 

[JanAtheCPA]

PS - we didn't have Alan's program when I started this work in 2011, so I don't know what kind of writing exercises he incorporates. I worked the SEP, where one of the really effective writing techniques was the "Unsent Letter". Consider writing a letter to your husband. You could even put it in an envelope and address it. Then send it to the shredder.

 

[Bex1111]

Day 8: The Ignition for Change

Imagine that you're sending your 5-year-old child off to kindergarten for the first time. You pack his little lunchbox, you zip up his backpack, and you beam with pride as he walks into the classroom.

After school, you pick him up, and see tears in his eyes – some second grader named Johnny had been bullying him on the playground.

Immediately you spring to action: you hug your kid, you let him know he’s going to be okay, you schedule a meeting with the principal, and you plan on having a little “chat” with Johnny the next day.

All of these actions are motivated by one thing: love. You care about your kid. You’re not protecting him because you’re supposed to, or because you’re practicing a technique, you’re doing it because it matters to you how he’s treated.

Learning to Care

When we scare ourselves, pressure ourselves, and criticize ourselves, it can activate our brains' danger signals and cause pain.

Tomorrow, we'll begin introducing techniques to help you give your brain a feeling of safety. But the source of motivation matters. Will you be implementing these techniques because you think you're supposed to? (More pressure.) Or will you be using these techniques because you care about yourself...because it matters to you how you're being treated? When you struggle with a technique, will you beat yourself up? (More criticism.) Or will you respond with patience and sympathy?

In the following clip, notice the transformation that Brandon goes through in just a few minutes:

Click here to download the mp3 audio file​

Early on, he’s interested in techniques solely so he can get out of pain, but after getting in touch with his own humanity, he actually cares that he’s treating himself so cruelly.

When there’s true emotional investment, self-care isn't a chore, or a test, it's a genuine pleasure.

The Process of Change

For many people, it’s hard to generate a feeling of self-love. You can have all the love in the world for your children, parents, friends, nieces, nephews, co-workers, Instagram followers, favorite athletes, and Disney characters that aren’t even real, but when it comes to your own self, it can be a lot more challenging.

And I can give you inspirational quotes, or play Christina Aguilera songs telling you how beautiful you are, but the truth is, a poor self-image develops in the same way that everything else does – through learned neural pathways.

And just as these neural pathways have been learned, they can be unlearned.

Tomorrow we’ll be covering specific techniques to deactivate your danger signals and work toward teaching your brain to feel safe. And like you did with your hypothetical 5-year-old child, try doing it with compassion, with patience, and with love.

​

I am so mixed with this. I know I often feel I am not good enough. For example, I am a good singer but whenever I sing to people, I often feel afterwards like it was shit and when I listen to recordings I rarely enjoy what I hear. At school I felt dumb and now much later life adult student at uni , I always thing I don't get it. My upbringing was good but there were some rough fights from my dad... often angry and a bit violent. I know we were naught and rude but his anger took my breath away at times . I always have been scared of groups of people,.. but I left my home at 18 and travelled and loved it.... I am so ying and yang

 

[ChristopherB]

It's so hard to rewire. These personality traits that worked for us in many ways, and that others (family) have learned to depend on, would be great if only they didn't trigger the pain that becomes chronic. Awareness and expression are key, and I'm hopeful that overtime in combination with changing my behaviours and the things and people I chose to worry about, will help release me from the pain. Self-love seems selfish - if only all those 'takers' could start giving back. I guess they won't until they know we're tired of giving (and hurting). Reading books is easy. Doing this work is the tough stuff.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

These personality traits that worked for us in many ways, and that others (family) have learned to depend on, would be great if only they didn't trigger the pain

Hey Christopher - I would urge you to reconsider this "if only" way of thinking. It appears to be a fairly obvious, even innocuous, statement for a TMSer to make, kind of a throw-away, in fact, and that's exactly why I'm latching on to it, because it's those seemingly simple throwaways that can reveal a whole lot about how you can work with your particular brain.

1. "If Only" is actually a pretty rigid mindset. Being aware of your personality traits does not mean rejecting them out of hand. You don't have to change your entire personality to do this work - in other words, it's not an either-or proposition!

2. Your personality traits do not "trigger the pain". I expect that you know this rationally, but again, what you wrote reveals how your (irrational, and primitive) TMS brain wants you to think, because this keeps you uncertain, on edge, and primed to reject the whole premise.

3. The goal is to embrace the positive aspects of your personality traits, appreciate them, and turn your attention to the stress response that accompanies so many manifestations of these traits. Examine how much of your perfectionism and/or goodism is rooted in a fear of judgement, or a craving for connection.

When some kind of emotional pressure is behind perfectionism and goodism, that's what creates emotional stress, which is typically repressed by our TMS brains, which create symptoms in order to cover up this repression.

 

[ChristopherB]

Thank you @JanAtheCPA. This is helpful. The reminder that perfectionism may be rooted in the craving of connection resonates with me.