New Program Day 7: Pressure and Criticism

[Balsa11]

Thank you Plum and Alan.

Your words were a real comfort to me. I need to keep focused on them at the moment as it is so disheartening to take such a step back. It was the best I had felt in a a year.

And strangely, it came at the same time as our offer on our dream house was accepted. We got the good news yesterday. So you'd think I'd be happy today, not hurting.

I really thought I'd reached that point you speak of Alan, where the pain could no longer bring me to fear, despair and hopelessness, but then wham, it hits me again right where it hurts most.

Sometimes spasms come on randomly and it's ok. It really is.

 

[Dumpty]

Thank you Plum and Alan.

Your words were a real comfort to me. I need to keep focused on them at the moment as it is so disheartening to take such a step back. It was the best I had felt in a a year.

And strangely, it came at the same time as our offer on our dream house was accepted. We got the good news yesterday. So you'd think I'd be happy today, not hurting.

I really thought I'd reached that point you speak of Alan, where the pain could no longer bring me to fear, despair and hopelessness, but then wham, it hits me again right where it hurts most.

 

[Dumpty]

Oh my! Thank you everyone, Alan, Plum Eugene and really everyone who posts. This is so helpful. I have noticed all the same patterns with the fear, pressure ,criticism etc. Of course I want it all to happen overnight, however I know that this is procedural learning and it takes time. It’s so helpful to have it reframed(when there are set backs) that it is part of the learning curve. I have learned through Alanon and other 12 step programs, however this is its own process, even if there is overlap. It’s changing a thinking pattern. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the wisdom experience strength and hope.I loved hearing that even if there are set backs, the knowledge that is does work is the gem.So when I have a tantrum, I can rock that part of myself and calm her rather than beat her up....and even knowing when and hoe to do that is a process. In gratitude, jeannie

 

[CATS]

Criticism: My Mom was extremely critical of me and others. She lived to be 101 and I took care of her for the last 13 years of her life, not to mention the other 60 years that she was a big part of my life. So...if criticism is a signal that alerts my pain centers, I guess I fit right in here!!
I am making changes in my life to feel better. So have patience with me! I have trouble adapting to new theories!

 

[Kathy Hannmann]

Wow I read this Post for the Second time as I was read the Pain in my Back went away. I am putting so much Pressure on myself to get everything right (Losing weight, Live consciously, Exercise, Get better all at once, Change everything) Wow the Pressure never ends. Until Now and for now. Thank you everyone.

 

[jboo]

Lots to chew on here. I'm my biggest critic. Both Alan's pain reduction and the baseball player's recovery are quite inspirational.

 

[HeidiF]

Day 7: Pressure and Criticism

Jimmy Kimmel has a hilarious segment on his show where celebrities read mean tweets that people have written about them:

As funny as ruthless twitter rants can be, it’s a lot less funny when we’re the ones getting criticized. If you post a picture on Facebook, you can have 20 comments talking about how great you look, but that one comment making fun of your hair is the one that sticks out.

Like pressure, criticism can activate our brains' danger signals.

Oh wow, I don’t remember this from The Way Out, but this hits home. I started Curable in the fall of 2018 and did a lot of work on being less self critical and more self loving and was feeling great physically and mentally. Then in March of 2021 an anonymous hate letter was mailed to my studio, saying awful things about me and my work. At the time, I laughed, similar to the video, but I tell the people closest to me that that is when things started to take a turn. It was as if someone went into my head and wrote down all the self critical thoughts I had about myself and sent it to me. That letter also triggered pressure that I had to proved the sender wrong, fear that maybe they were right, and also fear of everyone. Since the letter was anonymous I started thinking it could be anyone and no could be trusted. My inner bully kept telling my I was overreacting and being too sensitive, but in retrospect I wasn’t, that letter was cruel and what they said bogus.

 

[Susan Mary]

The pain I'm working through has its roots in a long time ago. I used to be the kid who said, I'll never pass my test. I'll never learn how to type, or drive a car. I'll never . . . Most of the time, I excelled at all the things I was afraid I couldn't do. That's great, but those beginnings put me into a cycle where sometimes I have to invent a war in order to motivate myself. I've read The Way Out, and I'm on Day 7 now. My pain is considerably less. And I'll be working on dispelling fear for the rest of my life.

Thank you deeply for putting this tutorial out here for free, Alan. I have been trying to find BRT practitioners covered by my insurance, and there don't seem to be any. This is making a big difference already.

 

[ChristopherB]

Perfectionism and being a people pleaser are personality traits that are highly vulnerable to pressure and criticism. It's a difficult thing to tell yourself not to care so much about others, especially when you're hardwired to please them. This topic is a great reminder to try and improve our perspective and to find the right place to slot those around us (behind what's best for us). Those others probably have no idea how their comments impact us, so why should we care so much? We shouldn't.

 

[Susan Mary]

Perfectionism and being a people pleaser are personality traits that are highly vulnerable to pressure and criticism. It's a difficult thing to tell yourself not to care so much about others, especially when you're hardwired to please them. This topic is a great reminder to try and improve our perspective and to find the right place to slot those around us (behind what's best for us). Those others probably have no idea how their comments impact us, so why should we care so much? We shouldn't.

Yes, it's such a challenge to make myself more important than them! And at the moment, some of the people I see most often are my grandkids, 5 and 3. Of course, I want the very best for them and am now balancing giving all I can with what is right for my health and well-being. They are smart kids and are running right into it. E.G. my 5 yr old grandkid loves to have lots of books read to him. I'm fine with that, AND I'm determined to find an effective way to sit on his bed and not hurt my back. It'll take some doing.

Very slowly, I'm getting better at holding the line of my health with my grown-up friends. It does feel like loving myself, though, and the more I love myself the more I can love others. Also, I like the image of "slotting" others behind what's best for me. Thanks for that.

 

[Duggit]

Hi Susan Mary. Dr. Gabor Maté, in his book When the Body Says No, describes the many, many ways that making others more important than oneself can cause serious health problems. In his more recent book, The Myth of Normal, he discusses tension between two essential needs everyone one has: attachment and authenticity. Both of these involve one’s relationships with others. What he says about authenticity might be of interest to you.

He defines authenticity as “the quality of being true to oneself, and the capacity to shape one’s own life from a deep knowledge of that self.” He goes on to explain: “At its most concrete and pragmatic, it means simply this: knowing our gut feelings when they arise and honoring them. . . . A healthy sense of self does not preclude caring for others, or being affected or influenced by them. It is not rigid but expansive and inclusive. Authenticity’s only dictate is that we, not externally imposed expectations, be the true author of and authority on our own life.”

 

[JanAtheCPA]

The Myth of Normal

@Duggit, considering I'm such a fan of When The Body Says No, I can't believe I haven't read this yet. Co-written with his son, who narrates the audiobook, which is very cool. But OMG - 18 hours Not that I'll be listening soon - both it and the written book have 16-week hold times at my library...

He's such a wonderful writer, and it's clearly right up my alley, described as "a groundbreaking investigation into the causes of illness, a bracing critique of how our society breeds disease and a pathway to health and healing".

 

[Susan Mary]

Oh wow, I don’t remember this from The Way Out, but this hits home. I started Curable in the fall of 2018 and did a lot of work on being less self critical and more self loving and was feeling great physically and mentally. Then in March of 2021 an anonymous hate letter was mailed to my studio, saying awful things about me and my work. At the time, I laughed, similar to the video, but I tell the people closest to me that that is when things started to take a turn. It was as if someone went into my head and wrote down all the self critical thoughts I had about myself and sent it to me. That letter also triggered pressure that I had to proved the sender wrong, fear that maybe they were right, and also fear of everyone. Since the letter was anonymous I started thinking it could be anyone and no could be trusted. My inner bully kept telling my I was overreacting and being too sensitive, but in retrospect I wasn’t, that letter was cruel and what they said bogus.

How awful. Like you needed more pushing in that direction. It sounds like you're grappling with it, though. And of course we know that "hurt people, hurt people."

Hi Susan Mary. Dr. Gabor Maté, in his book When the Body Says No, describes the many, many ways that making others more important than oneself can cause serious health problems. In his more recent book, The Myth of Normal, he discusses tension between two essential needs everyone one has: attachment and authenticity. Both of these involve one’s relationships with others. What he says about authenticity might be of interest to you.

He defines authenticity as “the quality of being true to oneself, and the capacity to shape one’s own life from a deep knowledge of that self.” He goes on to explain: “At its most concrete and pragmatic, it means simply this: knowing our gut feelings when they arise and honoring them. . . . A healthy sense of self does not preclude caring for others, or being affected or influenced by them. It is not rigid but expansive and inclusive. Authenticity’s only dictate is that we, not externally imposed expectations, be the true author of and authority on our own life.”

Hi Susan Mary. Dr. Gabor Maté, in his book When the Body Says No, describes the many, many ways that making others more important than oneself can cause serious health problems. In his more recent book, The Myth of Normal, he discusses tension between two essential needs everyone one has: attachment and authenticity. Both of these involve one’s relationships with others. What he says about authenticity might be of interest to you.

He defines authenticity as “the quality of being true to oneself, and the capacity to shape one’s own life from a deep knowledge of that self.” He goes on to explain: “At its most concrete and pragmatic, it means simply this: knowing our gut feelings when they arise and honoring them. . . . A healthy sense of self does not preclude caring for others, or being affected or influenced by them. It is not rigid but expansive and inclusive. Authenticity’s only dictate is that we, not externally imposed expectations, be the true author of and authority on our own life.”

Thanks, Duggit, I've made a note of the Maté book. It's a great passage that you've pulled out from it. These inspirations really help.