Day 5, Sliding back a little

Today my head is bugging me and I feel tired. I'm mad at myself for feeling this way, I feel like I'm going backwards. I know this journey is not a straight uphill trajectory to wellness, so I am accepting. Also, I am not going to beat myself up for not physically feeling great today. It's not my fault. The journey out of TMS is a process.

WOW! I am reading Dr. Schubiner's MBS blog #4 right now and I just read about this woman who mirrors me exactly:

"For example, I saw a woman who had a very difficult childhood with neglect and abuse.Her reaction to this was to look for love and attention whenever and wherever she could find it.She grew up and always attempted to appease others and tended to neglect her own needs.Like many people with MBS, she had a very strong dose of the “shoulds” (as Dr. Sarno often refers to Freud’s superego or conscience).As her life became more complicated and busy, she tried to do more and more for everyone else.Finally, her body reacted by giving her severe migraine headaches and fatigue."

I was just journaling about how I'm upset because there are two people I want to appease/like me right now, but I can't make them both happy. One is my husband, and the other is a man I have a crush on. The crush started and was going along before I even had any idea what I had gotten myself into. Once I realized I was developing feelings for this other man (and I still have them) I purposely started avoiding him and not flirting/talking back to him. Now, the last few times I've seen him he's been cold, and I can tell his feelings are hurt.

The inner conflict is great you see because I want to do right by my husband AND this other guy. It makes me mad that I want him to like me. I keep thinking, "It's ok if he stops crushing on me, but oh how I want him to like me still as a person!" What complicates this all the more is that he mostly runs the improv place that I go to, and his liking me will impact if I get to perform on stage or not. Grr...it really does make me mad. I wish I didn't want to please others so much. Recognizing it is helpful though. It wasn't until I started journaling that I figured this out. I'd thought it before, but writing it out makes it stick, and recognize the faulty line of thinking.

Some final "faulty" and "reality" thoughts

Faulty: Everyone has to like me!
Reality: Not everyone has to like me!

Faulty: I have to get the house cleaned, painted, etc before my aunt and uncle get in town or they'll think I'm unorganized, have bad taste, am a bad housekeeper, am inferior to them.
Reality: I am who I am no matter what state my house is in. If they don't love me for who I am, but judge me by me house, that's on them!

Faulty: I have to be very funny and outgoing when I go to improv shows (to watch them) so everyone there will like me.
Reality: I can just be me, however I am feeling that day. Besides, it looks fake if I'm overly gregarious or enthusiastic. No one is all the time.

Can't say my head feels better, but my heart does. Thanks for reading/listening!