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Day 42 Tension headache from stress?

Pavel

Pavel

New Member
I went through the process of recovering from TMS. My symptoms have improved, their intensity has decreased.

Last Saturday the thing happened that my mother-in-law had a stroke and I took her to the hospital. I knew this was not good and this was going to change our lives. I knew that she probably had a stroke and we would have to deal with it and it would change everything for us as we have been living so far. She is partially immobile and needs our help.

I'm not selfish and I felt pity for her, but even more I felt anger, anger at her that she didn't go to the doctor when she had problems and we sent her there, that she only increased the tension in herself, anger at the world around her and brought it on herself. That she didn't want to bother anyone, that she called three days after the stroke and no one could do anything about it or help her to mitigate the consequences. Now everything will be on our shoulders because we are the only one she has and her second son is not willing to help. I felt all this and I was angry with her and kept it inside for practically a week. Also I felt ashamed for thinking like this. I didn't say anything to my wife, but inside I was suffering.

Since this Thursday, I have had a severe headache, a form of tension headache, as if it was being squeezed from all sides. This is new for me, I have dealt with back pain, prostatitis as manifestations of TMS and now I think this is another manifestation? Do you think it can be so? I've had this headache for the fourth day now and it won't stop.

Should I approach it as before and continue the jounaling and perceive this as a TMS manifestation?
What would you do?
 
"we would have to deal with it and it would change everything for us as we have been living so far. She is partially immobile and needs our help."

"I'm not selfish and I felt pity for her" - oh, I assure you, it's most often how we do NOT want to identify ourselves that our subconscious totally identifies with that thing. You try hard to APPEAR not to be selfish, and outwardly you are not, but your little inner subconscious 2 year old is wildly shelfish. It's mantra is ME ME ME!!!! and now your life is upside down and it's all her fault but the responsibility lies with you. "I feel ashamed" - Of COURSE you do.
The thing to assure yourself is that all of this is completely normal. It's OK to be pissed off at someone you love, your elders and those you 'should' not be angry at. You feel that anger, you let it seethe within you and then you absolutely feel the emotion of shame in all of that. But you also recognize that your feelings are valid. That you view someone elses lack of responsibility now turned your responsibility is an injustice. Notice how all of this is out of your control. The situation, your mother in law's behavior, the stroke, and also your subconscious emotions.
Now think about or even write about the times you felt similar lack of control and how that made you feel emotionally. Notice if there might be patterns in your life that are difficult for you - triggers around responsibility and control.

Take a breath and sit back and just notice it all. Notice how being vulnerable feels, how it is normal and human to have these thoughts and emotions and that NOTHING has made you a 'bad' human because of it. It just is. Now where your control comes in, is how you are going to deal with and proceed with the situation.
It's not easy.
Think about how you are going to proceed with the work of processing all the emotions around this. Does journaling help you in these times, or do you need to meditate (or both), to calm your nervous system.

I gotta say, if all this dropped in my lap, I'd probably be having symptoms. I'm sorry for your situation, and the stress that life changes bring, but you are resilient and have already gotten to day 42 - so you've proven you are committed too. Look at what you've already dealt with so far - all the symptoms and emotions. You will get though this with all you've learned so far.
 
Damn, that is ROUGH, @Pavel! And you've been doing so well, too! (anyone else reading this, check out Pavel's postings on his profile page - they are an excellent record of how "doing the work" progresses, sometimes with setbacks, but always learning - and he's a good writer, too!)

For crying out loud, this is the last thing you needed. Sometimes it feels like "it's always f***ing something..."

I totally relate to having rage at a parent, whether it's your own parent or your sort-of parent, who has brought on their own suffering due to stubbornness, and has now inflicted that suffering on everyone around them. My mother engaged in a minor version of this before her death and I was still enraged. In terms of journaling, this kind of thing is perfect for the Unsent Letter technique.

In addition to the good advice from @Cactusflower, I would really urge you to find a way to talk about this with your wife. She may be feeling a lot of the same things, perhaps even many times more, in which case her guilt will be massive. As bad as this is, I'm sure that rationally you would prefer to be there for her, rather than being sidelined with pain. Your brain might think that pain gives you an "out", but it's not that simple, is it?

By the way, if your wife is not also having her own symptoms, it's because she is in full crisis mode, completely distracted by her mother's urgent needs. Her TMS brain doesn't need to give her any physical symptoms to distract her right now. Not yet.

We're pulling for you, my friend! Don't let this derail your recovery process, and don't let it turn you into a victim, because that is the worst thing for recovery.
 
@Cactusflower and @JanAtheCPA thank you for your insights and guidance. I also talked with my wife and we discussed things and possibilities and there is also a better atmosphere between us. I am worried about her exactly as you write @JanAtheCPA , since she will be spending most of her time with her mom and so that the symptoms of TMS do not manifest themselves in her as well...

Some time passed again and the feeling of anger subsided. The intensity of the headache has also decreased slightly, although it is still there. I continue to journal and it helps.

The knowledge from Rupert Spira's books helps me a lot now. It is as you said, it is what it is and I will either create tension around it, or I will accept it as it is and take the steps I can take. It helps me step back from what is happening and just observe it and keep to the fact that "I am not what I am aware of I am that which is aware" and that "Our essential nature is never changed, tarnished, harmed, diminished, aggrandised, aged or destroyed by any particular experience". I really believe it, but I often get lost in what is happening and what I am aware of. And this is what then manifests itself in the symptoms of TMS.

Only one question interests me. People who always nurture their childish self, calm it down and heal it do not have TMS syndromes? I mean specifically my wife's brother, who is not interested in taking care of his mother. On the one hand, I can take that he satisfied his childish self when he wanted peace from problems and his peace and well-being. Is really that a way to live? To become selfish if it suits the childish self?
 
@Pavel
I am seeing you use the word childish in a very judgemental sense of the word.
You view your brother-in-law as childish because he is not willing to do what you want and desire him to do. He probably has a completely different view of the situation. Perhaps he is a person who knows how to keep his inner peace, and why do you think that his having boundaries and keeping his inner peace is "really a way to live?" Which I take as being rather negative in your mind. Having inner peace is absolutely the way to live, that's exactly what doing this work is all about! Finding your inner peace and letting go of the many personality hang ups we developed. Have you asked your brother-in-law if he has any ideas as to what he thinks is viable care for your mother in law? Have you ever asked him what his secret is to being able to keep his inner peace in situations like this?
A judgemental personality is one of the personality traits Dr. Sarno talks about in his TMS patients. It's called "legalistic" and it's another way that people hold on to subconscious anger and resentments by simply giving it different names like "childish".
Perhaps you brother-in-law isn't who you want him to be, and isn't a perfect person, but he may simply know how to deal with his inner conflicts - your wife might be very similar in this manner.
Worrying that your wife may develop TMS is anxiety (I have a feeling your judgementalness towards your brother-in-law is probably also part of your own anxiety, and the heaviness that great responsibility brings.) You'll need to deal with your anxiety and Claire Weekes books give step by step methods of how to do this. It will simply eat you up, worrying about things that haven't happened, and may not happen. That's the difference between believing thoughts that are real, and thoughts that are not real. Your mind will think a million things a day, and 99.999% of them aren't real. The mind simply generates thoughts, useless or true, because that's it's job. Once you realize that, it becomes so much easier recognize what thoughts are truth and what are just junk.
Now I know all this sounds like I don't have much sympathy for your situation - I do! I was there and taking care of my own Dad to one degree or another from about 14-30. During this time both my parents occupied most of my thoughts. What I failed to recognize at times was how important I was in all of this, and how my own health and well-being was impacted = TMS!! It's a balance, and you need to put yourself up close to the top of the list of who you take care of first. When you take good care of your own needs, you can be there for others when they need it in your own way. It also means you carry less anger and resentments towards others because they aren't needed. You are able to set better boundaries, decided what emotional loads you are willing to carry, and how much energy you are open to giving others.

The heaviness of responsibility is one of things I see come up again and again for many people on this forum. Way down underneath it all is self-victimization. How can I manage to carry this heavy load when I can't even manage my emotions which created TMS? Or other things that we carry - values and thoughts we have about ourselves. The feelings we'll never be "free" from "it" all. These are great reasons to journal. They are constructs of the mind, and we can free ourselves from them.

It takes time, it takes care for yourself, learning how to reduce internal anxiety, and kindness towards yourself. You'll get through it. You always do, don't you.
 
@Cactusflower I appreciate and understand what you are saying. This program also taught me to work with my emotions and put my needs first. I discovered many areas in my life where I was a goodist and where I wanted to please others in order to be appreciated because I couldn't appreciate myself.

I changed work in the office to work at home, now I decide what the priority is and I don't adapt it to others. I don't immediately run to solve other people's problems like before. I create much more space for myself. I am aware of all this. And I can also see the results of this in how my symptoms have decreased.

Maybe it's just that English is not my native language and I didn't express it as I meant it. I come from a country where there is a big difference when you take care of a relative in his home or he is in an institution, I mean a big difference in quality. Of course, I discussed this with my brother-in-law and I have no choice but to accept his choice. And maybe you are right and I envy him how simply he decided. And you're right, maybe I regret that I can't make such a decision. I also know his reasons, they are basically that he would have to change his life as he leads it now and he doesn't want that. And I don't know his secret, how he maintains inner peace in this situation.

My question was not judgmental, it was directed towards the question of how you write:
Cactusflower said:
you need to put yourself up close to the top of the list of who you take care of first
Click to expand...
Maybe this is the secret, but as many people write, we cannot change our nature. Maybe for him, getting rid of his worries about his mother is exactly what you write, but for me, the thoughts of how she survives in the institution would be a much bigger source of regret. And maybe it's a problem for him too, but less than taking care of her and transferring responsibility to his sister. It is probably only a difference in nature that decides. And no, it's not judgmental, only descriptive. This is maybe the very reason why more sensitive people are prone to TMS.

I know that at the end of everything there is a decision and I will live with whatever decision I make. Thank you for your last words, I will definitely go through it but I needed to share it, take it as a way of dealing with it and your observations help me a lot.
 
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