Day 4 Day 4 - Thinking about Binge Eating Disorder

The top of my list is PF, and how that is harming me, but it's getting less and less painful.

Now the next layer is Binge Eating Disorder and I was just reading the IFS forum about it. I need to think & go into a deep place. Deep layers upon layers about why.

I have been in and out of OA for years, it doesn't really help me. It did once, but since then not really. I just went the other day and shared about TMS & I vented about a lot of things, layers. I love OA for that, for allowing me to vent about things, it's fantastic for that.

I'm not sure how to begin here, there's lots of layers. There was my paternal grandmother who super-binged, then would feel guilty and only drink coffee after that for a few days to overcome the binge.

There was my mother who was/is so afraid of getting fat that she doesn't eat more than one salad a day. And yet, she's just "disciplined" she had/has told me, she is absolutely fearful of being fat, and likes to brag about her body shape, even now. And posts selfies bragging about her weight and age.

There's me, who developed an early eating disorder, I hated food as a child and was super picky. I only wanted to eat cantaloupe, I didn't really like food. Today, I love food. Too much.

I know there's deep stuff here, but I feel overwhelmed by this stuff at the moment and just need to rest.

 

Eating is one of life's great pleasures but we do have to be careful not to overeat.
Over-eating, as you know, can be caused by TMS emotions.
Barbra Streisand nibbles all the time before a performance. Her limousine is like a
delicatessen. She has a social disorder problem from being a perfectionist.

Your mother is under-eating. That's not good, either. Wonder what her TMS reason is.

Holidays are times for eating a lot. Remember, moderation. haha

 

Yep yep yep, this is the layer under the PF layer for me, and it's coming up, or rather, I really want to heal this layer because the PF is receding a bit, if you know what I mean? This is showing in all it's glory, and I'm actually not doing it much, and I have FEAR & ANXIETY about it, and I feel that this is a very red raw layer that wants to come through, & also that wants to be healed, held, loved, thought about, hand-held. Told that it's all right. Delicate. Needy. Fragile.
So, because of the PF going into some remission the next layer, which I knew would be this one. And it's just good to put it out there.

And I was thinking of the TMS history of these women, my paternal gm, my own m with TMS eating issues/possible anorexia. This is a really difficult layer for me. But I guess they all are, does that make sense? These layers do not move on their own, you have to nudge them, they are frozen, and this is part of the TMS imho.

 

OTOH, PF, this is my update. I was a huge computer store yesterday and today. And it was not as bad as it has been in the past. I was wearing my Olukai Ohana flip flops which have an amazing orthotic built in but in the past that has not prevented a tremendous amt of pain. I am getting better and better. Little by little.

While I ascribe to Dr. Sarno/Dr. Schubiner's theories, and I know they work, I am not getting rid of my ulcer med yet, as I'm not healed, so it's there, in case I have an attack or feel something as the next ulcer attack can literally kill me. Same with my shoes, I am not fully healed yet. Little-by-little I am healing and I will continue to get better and do deep work.

I would appreciate anyone reading this to let me heal in my own way, no criticism of what I'm doing. TYVM (not directed at anyone, esp not you Walt, who has only been totally helpful).

I'm actually really really bad at taking any criticism, I am healing & criticism causes a TMS flare in me big time. I am a HSP (highly sensitive person) & it's just difficult to take.

I am looking forward to being pain-free, and yes, I am on my way. My next layer after BED (binge eating disorder) is most likely going to be the ulcer layer, but first am working on the PF layer, then the BED layer. At least this is the way I see it.

Namaste/peace.

 

Getting an ulcer attack right now...sigh. I know I feel v uptight atm. But that is ok, I will deal.....I feel that the ulcer attack is telling me....that it needs to be dealt with RIGHT NOW, and needs to be talked about or thought about. Breathing......calming myself. Calming down. Relaxing. Breathing. Peaceful thoughts...

 

Just writing a note to self. There is so much great information here. I was just feeling really really angry a few mins ago, nothing to do with anything forum related, and I was feeling it. I also had kefir instead of my ulcer pill, to calm that part down, and am just relaxing. Was reading the news, etc and was feeling so angry, and usually I can read the news and the anger I feel is cathartic, but I felt myself tightening up and not relaxing, and the ulcer thing... and then i came back to the forum to read something good & positive & found this wonderful thread

http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/connect-with-your-emotions.2107/

And I want to start reading / doing Alan Gordon. It IS really good to feel your feelings. I feel better just saying that. I have a long journey ahead of me. I almost feel like, at least right now, tonight, that there's tingling, and I mean that in a not good way in various triggered areas. The chest/ulcer area, the foot, binging....

Trying to think what is going on, and the answer I heard to myself was "I need peace". I am also very very tired. Onward and upward I go, literally, figurately. I am so happy at how much I have progressed, am progressing.

I want to definitely get better, get healing.

Tomorrow I would really like to get out of bed pain-free in the morning. I am working on it.

Peace....and love to all.

 

Ruth, keep working on TMS at your own pace.
Take time off to forget about pain and enjoy the day and the holiday season.
If that gives you pain, think This Too Shall Pass.
Like the snow melts and the cold temperatures drift away into summer warmth.
Pain eventually goes away. We may just have to kick it in the butt to get rid of it.

 

Beautiful words Walt. TYVM.

 

Day 5 - Chronic Fatigue

I'll just add Day 5 here.

Things are going a lot better with my dh, who is now not butting in and giving me any advice. He is just listening, unless I ask him to give me advice. This works so much better for me.

I thought about my m & how she lives in her own bubble which she can't be disturbed out of. That is fine, but I still have anger, heartbreak, hurt about how she was a young woman that pretty much put herself first.

I remembered being 4 and she didn't kiss & hug me goodnight once and it really traumatised me. I remembered that last night and brought it up. And I cried for hours and hours and hours. She came in later but I seemed to really have PTSD about it at the time and she did not soothe me, in fact I think she was angry at me. I explained what I was upset about, but, her usual way was to minimize my feelings, which has continued throughout my life.

Writing this, I am remembering how she always told me I was "too needy" for her.

I'm feeling angry about this right at this moment.

Letting myself feel the anger.

It is totally fine to feel this anger, and I am super angry, super angry.

One of the things I said last night to my DH was that I felt "neglected". I was neglected. That is the first time I've ever used that word about my childhood, but I was neglected by her. I have a lot of abandonment issues.

 

Annie working on her TMS at her own pace, eagerly looking out our front window for Santa.

 

Cute cute dog Walt!

Ok, so we had to go back to the comp. store (it's huge, bigger than a Costco btw) and I was pretty much fine. Had some stiffness, and I would just tell it NO.

I keep telling any TMS areas that act up NO, STOP, and I'm FINE, etc. I like it!!!

I actually am feeling less bingey (BED).

I came home from that long long journey and danced to Zumba World Party. Hilariously, it said "low intensity", but there were tons of steps in it. I love dancing, love love LOVE dancing, so it was fun.

In fact the entire way home we had satellite radio on & I was the DJ, and at times I was dancing in the car while DH was driving. Dancing with my arms that is. I kept going, yeah I want this on JD (Just Dance 2014), we had such a great time traveling & ate out for br/lu/dinner just one large meal. It was so fun.