Day 4....again

[Shells]

Hi
I am back at trying this again. I could not believe 100% before. I really think I have this but still can't seem to convince myself 100%. Of course I am kind of beating myself up but made it past hopeless yesterday to trying this today.

I've been so obsessed with my physical symptoms since 2004. Trying to think psychologically but during bad flares it feels impossible.

I didn't post much or finish the SEP before so I am going to complete it this go around.
I am doing gyrotonic tomorrow with my old teacher who moved back to South Carolina from Cali. I haven't seen her in over 2 years. Would normally be very excited but now I'm scared because
1) there is focus on posture and I have hope she will be helpful as she was in the past
2) the flare has been so intense I'm scared it will be worse.
3) I feel obligated to go because she recently moved back AND I haven't met her new baby yet but it takes 50 minutes to get there which turns into my whole afternoon.
And wow I feel guilty for being whiny and also embarrassed that I haven't overcome pain.
Guess that would be goodist coming out!!

Thanks for "listening"

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Hi Shells, and I'm glad we're here for your return - you never really know what it's going to take, so trying again is a great step to take.

I think you've got a good handle on recognizing some of your inner conflicts, and that's a good start. I'm thinking that when you do the work this time around, you might concentrate on self-acceptance and self-love. Because clearly you are very hard on yourself - and really good at pointing out what you're doing wrong. The reality is that you should be giving yourself a whole bunch of credit for coming back and trying again!

I feel strongly that in order to recover, we really need to love ourselves enough to know, deep down, that we deserve to recover.

As for doubt, even those of us who are enjoying lives that are mostly symptom-free, are not always at 100% belief. The doubt creeps in all the time. Whenever I wonder if some small sensation or symptom might indicate a physical problem, I remind myself, in words, and out loud if necessary, that it's likely to be TMS-related, it's not something to worry about, I am actually very healthy, AND most importantly, that I don't need to beat myself up for having that negative thought.

You are obviously conflicted about seeing this gyrotonic teacher, and until you resolve that conflict it will create a block that will continue to feed your negative self-worth. Being honest with yourself and then honest with her is the only solution. How about a compromise, such as seeing her every once in a while? Find a yoga or tai chi class close to home, and feel good about that.

My suggestion: start learning to hear to the negative messages your brain is subconsciously bombarding you with. Then come up with ways to creatively and constructively counteract those messages with realistic positive ones (such as the one I tell myself if I feel a twinge somewhere). As you get better at recognizing the negative messages, you will also get better at countering them. Just recognize that the harder you tend to be on yourself, the harder this will be at first. The thing is, our primitive brains WANT to go to the negative - they are wired that way for survival, but it's not useful in today's world.

Your goals: to love yourself, and to counteract your tendency to go to the negative.

Good luck!

~Jan

 

[Shells]

Thank you Jan!

I will work on picking a simple positive mantra. I like the one you mentioned.

I like my gyro teacher. I'm very happy she is closer than The other side of the country!! This is our first time getting together. I won't be able to see her often since she is so far away.

I'm just confused about how to exercise without focusing on alignment and form. I guess I will talk with her about helping me not overthink the movements. I'm worried that it will make me worse just because I think it helps. Putting hope in something outside of me to "fix" my body. Does that make sense? I don't want to focus on the physical (I don't know how to not do that during any form of movement). I also don't want to give up the last form of exercise I do other than walking. Seems like if I go it hurts but then if I skip it still hurts. Clearly I'm very good at over analyzing! Lol.

I'm also feeling fear about my PT letting me go. I've been with her for years and can tell when she gets frustrated with my body. It helps when she is compassionate and patient and if I know she's not annoyed. It is a crutch but it helps me relax knowing I have back up incase. I get better quicker, maybe because i feel validated and supported by someone. If I sense any frustration from others about me having setbacks, my body reacts. Being dismissed for so many years created a great sensitivity to things. Maybe that is also the people pleaser/inner critic?

Thank you!!