Day 32 - Deja Vu...All Over Again!

[Jilly]

Gosh, Ami, I am going through exactly what you are. I see my parents 2-3 times each week. It has taken me years of practicing all these personality traits with them. I know it is going to take me awhile to change them. I visit them and I am aware of the pain starting to increase. I think my mind starts panicking trying to do what I can mentally and physically to stop it!!! Well, I can't at least not yet. I come home and have to journal about it to get a deeper understanding of what happened and practice my belly breathing to relieve the pain.

Your'e not going to change them, your'e going to change how you allow them to affect you. Your'e going to change your behavior and re-frame your emotions. "Many people suffering from TMS put their own lives on hold so that others around them can remain the center of attention-allowing other family members to move forward. Your brain may deceive you but your body does not know how" Steve Ozanich - The Great Pain Deception p. 196.

Your'e going to learn how to quiet the negative chatter in your mind and how the Super Ego is battling with the id. " The Super Ego is the false self that each of us has designed, based upon what we believe others want to see in us -- to stay connected. The more demanding our Super Ego people pleasing is, the greater the internal emotional conflict, as we simply cannot match or forever maintain a false image." Steve Ozanich - The Great Pain Deception p. 30.

Not getting the suitcase was good because it is truly honest and necessary in TMS recovery to be true to yourself. You felt your emotions and rode them out and did not repress. Good Job !

 

[Jilly]

Allowing emotion safe passage and letting it flow safely through.....realizing that I need practice at this to not get "caught" by the emotions going by. Didn't have much success this morning on my 1-3 times daily (usually upsetting, frustrating, powerless-to-do-anything) conversation with my (extended-care, wheel-chair imprisonned for the past 26 years) mother.

As she related her usual list of grievances, problems, aches, anxieties, needs, and requests, instead of just going numb so as not to feel all my internal brew of emotions and helplessness, I asked myself, "what am I feeling?

As I acknowledged my feelings, they didn't just flow by but attached to me, and I just plain got mad at the situation and my inability to help her in any truly constructive way. This wasn't who I want to be, nor did it help in any constructive way, sigh!

Can you say more please about how to create a safe passage for emotions "in the moment?"

I've been thinking A LOT about your post, Ami. I got to put my new TMS skills to work over the holiday. I am in Florida (600 miles away / 11 hour car ride) caring for my Mother-in-Law (81 yrs old) that is in the stages of dying from Alzheimer's and Parkinson's. She is bed ridden and my Father-in-Law (83 yrs old) is in a wheel chair due to a MVA 25 years ago, paralyzed from the waist down. We received "THE CALL" ... this is it ... come quick. We left our 18 year old daughter alone on Christmas to help my husbands mother and father.

There were so many instances where I could have gone TMS'ing ... but didn't. I put those skills to work. I had to be very mindful and pay close attention to my body and emotions, something that I was trained NOT to do. I was trained be watchful of how my behavior effected others and to behave to be pleasing to them. I am happy to tell you, I had to take Advil twice, once for a headache and once for low back pain. I was flooded with emotions and just kept imagining a safe passage for my feelings. I concentrated very carefully on my body, focused intensely at times and felt the pain. When I felt the pain it was during times of despair and sorrow. I cried at night when in my room and told myself to just let it all out. I sobbed at times...but it felt to good to release it.

One thing I noticed is my time was really challenged. It seemed when ever I tried to catch a moment on my own, I was not allowed. I was needed here, then there...so I did a lot of my work in the bathroom ! I craved for my alone time. I felt like the family members were leaches ! ( I needed to re-frame that one). There is not one cookie cutter recipe for healing, but don't despair you will find your very own special concoction for your healing. Taking an idea from here and there, testing it out... till you have the right mix. There are two things that are the backbone to your recovery, and that is the knowledge (belief) of TMS (psychological vs structural) and the belief in Dr. Sarno's teachings. With those two beliefs in hand your'e at a stable foothold to forge forward to recovery. We all have to start at our beginning. You are, where you are. P.S. We're here with you * hugs

 

[tarala]

Jilly, you are hilarious. I can't tell you how many times I've used the bathroom trick ...

 

[Jilly]

Jilly, you are hilarious. I can't tell you how many times I've used the bathroom trick ...

LOL ! They must think I have use the bathroom a lot and she stays in there a while ! But hey, part of my healing is NOT caring what they think about my bathroom habits, as long as I am taking care of my emotional and TMS needs ... I'm good !

 

[Jilly]

Forest wrote this on one of his replies to Eric "Acceptance and Stressors"...I thought he said it so clearly as it fits to this thread of conversation....

There is a common feeling that people need to change their personality in order to recover from TMS. We read Sarno's books and learn that our perfectionsit and goodist personality are one of the reasons we have symptoms, so it seems logical that we must change these traits. But as you mention, this is not the case. We can still get mad or frustrated and have negative things happen to us. The change we need to make is in how to react to these situations, and how we handle them.

So much of why we have TMS is because we are uncomfortable with anger and other emotions that we have. When our emotions begin to build up, we push them down for some reason and ignore how we actually feel. As you mentioned, Eric, this is just like eating bad food that you know is going to make you sick. One of the biggest keys to recovering from TMS is to accept these situations and learn to react to them in a different way. Another way to look at it, is that we need to accept feeling uncomfortable with our emotions for a brief time.

Once you start to allow your emotions, there is a chance you will find it to be uncomfortable. The feeling on discomfort is your mind's way to get you to repress your emotions and think physical. If you can simply allow the uncomfortable feeling to be with you, then you will begin to break the pattern of repression. This could feel overwhelming at first, but it will only be temporary. In time though, you will be able to change how you react to these situations in a healthier manner.

 

[Ami]

Jilly, can't say enough how very helpful your posts are to me - a big THANK YOU! This week I am remembering to put all of this in practice, issue by issue, moment by moment.

The safe passage of that feeling or emotion is to accept it within yourself and not judge yourself over it. Your' e not a bad person for having those feelings. You feel the feeling build and it feels like its going to explode ... it crescendos...builds power. But if you sit with it and do not judge it or rush to quick fix it... the feeling softly fades. That is the safe passage. There is no resolution of the current problems. There is no repair. There is nothing external that brings you relief, the relief is all internal.

.... When dealing with people that are very draining, I like to imagine they are a patient of mine in the hospital. I have a shift to care for them and after my shift is over I can go home. I do my best to NOT take them personally. I remind myself they are in great pain emotionally and physically and the feelings, thoughts, and emotions they elicit from me is my doing, not theirs. * hugs * big bear hugs* hugs*

 

[Jilly]

Jilly, can't say enough how very helpful your posts are to me - a big THANK YOU! This week I am remembering to put all of this in practice, issue by issue, moment by moment.

Thats it, step by step ... little steps one at a time ... moment by moment and before you know it, it will become more natural to you in your responses.
Way to go !

 

[Ami]

Jilly, what a brave, courageous, and generous soul you are! Reading your story makes this whole process "real", how you allow yourself to feel the pain, and developed an ingenious bathroom strategy when there was "no time to catch a moment on my own". I see you as a determined trail-blazer, showing the way by walking it for yourself, through a very challenging life passage. Please continue to take good psychological and physical care of yourself. Big hugs back.

There were so many instances where I could have gone TMS'ing ... but didn't. I put those skills to work. I had to be very mindful and pay close attention to my body and emotions, something that I was trained NOT to do. I was trained be watchful of how my behavior effected others and to behave to be pleasing to them. I am happy to tell you, I had to take Advil twice, once for a headache and once for low back pain. I was flooded with emotions and just kept imagining a safe passage for my feelings. I concentrated very carefully on my body, focused intensely at times and felt the pain. When I felt the pain it was during times of despair and sorrow. I cried at night when in my room and told myself to just let it all out. I sobbed at times...but it felt to good to release it. We're here with you * hugs

 

[Jilly]

I see you as a determined trail-blazer, showing the way by walking it for yourself, through a very challenging life passage. Please continue to take good psychological and physical care of yourself. Big hugs back.

Ami, We have the same situation ! We're going to make it, and we'll be just fine. Don't you feel to happy and fortunate to have this group and Dr. Sarno's teachings?

 

[Stella]

Jilly, I sure like this point you made "I had to be very mindful & pay close attention to my body & emotions, something that I was NOT trained to do. I was trained to be watchful of how my behavior effected others & to behave to be pleasing to them."

Thanks for all the good stuff.

 

[Jilly]

Jilly, I sure like this point you made "I had to be very mindful & pay close attention to my body & emotions, something that I was NOT trained to do. I was trained to be watchful of how my behavior effected others & to behave to be pleasing to them."

Thanks for all the good stuff.

Thanks Sandy , No more pleasing others at the expense of our health, we are going to be watchful of our body cues ... We can't allow our bodies to cry out in this pain. We're going to make it, as we are healing to be whole again ...
* hugs *

I've read it's very difficult for those close to us to allow the transition because they enjoyed the perks of our behavior. They completely benefited from our behavior and they expect it because they had power over us. It is so true. Now it's time to line up with our true nature and not conceal our pain or discomfort with a situation. No more sacrificing to keep the peace. We no longer need to shelter them, they can handle it in their own ways as we forge ahead with our recovery. * hugs *

P.S. I am so happy you didn't get those suitcases !

 

[tarala]

Jilly I love the way you go right to the heart of the matter. I always get what you are sayimg on the body level as well as the mental. Keep it coming please. Hugs, Terry

 

[Jilly]

Jilly I love the way you go right to the heart of the matter. I always get what you are sayimg on the body level as well as the mental. Keep it coming please. Hugs, Terry

Awww, your'e so sweet...I learn so much here. I am so grateful for the forums and like minded people, such as yourself; we're all just trying to heal and recover

 

[Diana-M]

Hi everyone,

Nuggets of wisdom on people pleasing. This thread from 2012 is phenomenal! I’m bookmarking it.

Thanks Sandy , No more pleasing others at the expense of our health, we are going to be watchful of our body cues ... We can't allow our bodies to cry out in this pain. We're going to make it, as we are healing to be whole again ...

I've read it's very difficult for those close to us to allow the transition because they enjoyed the perks of our behavior. They completely benefited from our behavior and they expect it because they had power over us. It is so true. Now it's time to line up with our true nature and not conceal our pain or discomfort with a situation. No more sacrificing to keep the peace. We no longer need to shelter them, they can handle it in their own ways as we forge ahead with our recovery.