Day 31

[TheWayBackUp]

Today's prompt is to write about a current situation that is causing me stress, and how my personality is affecting the situation.

I have a relative who is struggling and it recently lead to a situation where she is going to have to spend time in jail. I have an extensive background with this person, and I find that I tend to think about what I may or may have been able to do differently in order to have changed how the outcome was for her. Even though I know it's not my fault and I was doing my best, sometimes I question how I handled things like confronting her, reacting to what she did, or the help I did or didn't offer.

I know that I tend to be a 'fixer' meaning that I want to take a situation that has issues and take responsibility to change it. So I tend to feel like everything that goes on has to do with me, or could have been different if I did something different. I realize intellectually that I am just one person and really most people are doing what they do aside from what my input is, and also that it is not my 'job' to 'fix' it or them. However deep down inside I still tend to ruminate about what I could have done/could do. It feels like a sense of dread deep in my throat when I feel like I'm not doing what I should have or that something might be my fault.

I never seem to want other people to do much for me, so in the case of the reverse I don't feel that others have much they should be doing for me, and in fact I feel guilty when people do 'too much' for me and also I feel like I 'owe them' for it. But when I flip it and go the other way, I feel like I should be saving the world.

I guess that is the perfectionistic and do-goodism. I was having trouble finding how I had the 'do-goodism' piece but I guess that is what I am describing above.

So when these types of thoughts arise I'm trying to catch it, realize I'm not helping myself, and let it go.

 

[Ellen]

It helped me to realize how much perfectionism and goodism is related to low self-esteem. The belief that if I was perfect, then that would mean I'm good enough for people to love me. The belief that if I do things for others or fix their problems, then that will prove I'm worthwhile and worthy of love. But I'm not worthy of people doing things for me. Practicing self-compassion has helped me get through this, and not trying to hold myself to higher standards than I expect from others. It's all a process. Sounds like you are having important realizations and making progress.

Best wishes to you.....

 

[TheWayBackUp]

Yes, this is all true. In fact I was looking at the TMS symptoms and thought, 'I don't have low self esteem.' But I really do, especially deep down. Because why else would I have done and thought everything I did. It has improved, but I still feel like my self esteem tends to be tied to what I do (accomplishment). Not just being. Which is where I want to get to. Thanks for your feedback.

 

[srton]

I read both of your entries the other day and have been thinking about them and how this relates to me.
Can't thank you enough for bringing this to my attention.
I'm very deeply committed to my TMS work and it has made me sort of "in my head" this entire summer. I've been feeling guilty for having to pull back from other people but I only have energy for my own work now. I think I need more time to sit with these thoughts.
Thank you @Lily Rose @TheWayBackUp