Day 3-what has helped me to be virtually pain free

This is my first post. I am on day three. I have had this condition for almost 8 weeks. Unable to stand, walk well or sit. I did everything you are supposed to do. hot/cold therapy, truemell shot, (helps naturally soften glut tissue) trigger point therapy, and chiropractor, TENS, 3 times a week. My friend told me a bout John Sarnos book. I read it like my bible, and read and youtube everything. I let myself cry, scream, say hateful things about my parents, my profession, shame I had self loathing, people pleasing, i let it rip till the tears just flowed. I was frightened it would never go away. Today, I cancelled chiropractor, made myself walk 2 miles, actually ran across the street. It was in the running across the street, I tensed up, and then everything released. I stayed completely with my feelings. I also tried to help others (as I am in a 12 step program too) I did this beautiful mindful meditation. I also journalled and told myself, I was not going going to have so much cruel self talk and just be compassionate. My leg really went out when I started dating. So I was able to get honest with my fear and body issues that manifested as shame, and also my fear of financial problems. That were all underneath. I lost my husband 10 years ago, and six months after he died, I thought I had a pinched nerve from a yoga class. I think that was where I put my broken heart. I always felt he had "my back" - My dad was a nasty drunk, and I just wanted his love. And my mom was nuts, and just put me up for adoption, and was emotionally and physically not always there. My dad did help get me out of the foster home, where there was abuse, I have no recollection. But I doubled in weight. I am 54, and really looked at these issues, or so I thought. I so forgave my parents, or so I thought. When I allowed myself to just journal everything I hated, or made me angry, and didn't sensor one word, because my back and health depended on it, the tears flowed, and I literally felt this release, and the pain stopped. The second, I beat myself up, or picked on myself, or started to get nervous, I clamped right up, so I started talking seeing my pain, as a little girl begging to be heard, and was able to have compassion for her. And when the pain would hit, I would grab my chest, and say, "Im here, I won't abadon you Vanessa, I am right here, what do you need. I also cancelled going on a trip to Atlanta, because I felt to fragile. It was one of the first times in my life, I didn't worry about letting people down, and no sooner did I cancel the flight and feel guilty, my back and gluts tightened, and I go so frightened. I also got frightened of shoes that had a small or large heel, the other week when I wore them for 1/2 hour I had pain the next day for over 10 hours. So when I got my courage up. I put on a pair of hi-heels and started talking out load about all my hurt, fear, anger and shame, and when the pain came, I kept saying "there is nothing structully wrong with you back, you are ok, and I walked all over my apartment with the heels doing all the psychlogical work, I had to be in pain much of the next day, but again, said, it's in my head. And defense mechanisms go slow, be patient. Today i was in pain this morning, and walked anyway, and kept saying, you will not stop me, I know it's in my head, there is nothing wrong. And today, I walked to miles in sandels, carried groceries and painted and was virtually pain free. I burst out crying with Joy, so I write this as honestly as I can because so many people on this forum and you tube gave me courage, so if this story can help just one person out of a little pain, I will be so happy, and please let me know. And Thank You TMS Forum and Dr. John sarno

 

What a wonderful success story .. Congrats

 

Thank you. I am just getting ready todo my homework. All new reaching out, but today was so tense. And so much beating myself up, so I just stopped, as soon as I clamped up, i made myself stretch regardless, and then just talked to myself kindly. I am making a commitment to do program. I did wake up at 8am as I had gotten so scared to face the day not knowing if i would be in some awful state. I wanted to ask you a question. Someone hurt my feelings. I don't know if I should tell them, or just tell a friend and let that person go. I tried to explain to them why I was out of touch, and I didn't get so much as a "I hope you feel better", thank you for letting me know. And of course I asked them how they were, would love to see them, not so much as a text or call back. And sure enough, I seized up, and just wanted to write them saying you hurt my feelings. But you are so in touch with your feelings in this program, you don't want to over react, or give anyone any power. In all honesty, i don't even like them that much. So I was wondering what do you do with people that "appear" to be insensitive. She might just be busy, or not know what to say. But internalize it, and get "angry" at myself for being honest and vulnerable, and then get even more angry, when I don't get a response. Because I am very kind when others have a mental or physical illness. I just always let them know it's ok, and I understand. Just writing you was comforting. So thank you for being on the other end of this thread. And please let me know how you are doing too! Vanessa

 

Hi Vanessa, Instead of speaking to that person I think you should write an unsent letter or just feel the repressed emotions you have for that person. Any altercation might lead to more suffering if you are too sensitive or anxious as most of TMS candidates are. If I am you I will do what I said.

 

OK. I journalled it, and it lost it's power. I was really able to let it go. I am aware especially now that I am highly sensitive, and I am just on a new journey to wellness and to focus on everything positive. Thank you so much.

 

Hi, Vanessa. Your TMS healing progress is wonderful.
You've had a lot of sadness in your life, but are learning to put it to rest.

It's great when we can forgive our parents or others, but forgiving may not always stop remembering.
The more we think about forgiving, the more we can forget.

I would just let it go about the person who hurt your feelings. Don't tell them about it. Just figure they aren't worth knowing that well. I knocked myself out to be helpful to a neighbor but he didn't appreciate it. He even accused me of stealing from him, something minor, when actually I gave that to him free. Some people aren't worth it. I just stopped seeing him. Spend more time with people you like and who like you and don't hurt or judge you.

 

Dear Vanessa, I know how you feel. One of the hardest things about having to deal with this pain for so many years, is watching formerly supportive friends begin to distance themselves. I try not to let it hurt me, full well knowing that in my former healthy days, I too might not have understood how much "people need people." I am not holding up my end of the friendship and it is impossible for others to understand how isolating pain can be. We might not be able to do the normal everyday things they can do. Perhaps they take it personally when we cannot join them for lunch, etc. When we get better, we can "give back" by being a friend to the chronically ill.
Here is a link that helps, however I would suggest some wisdom as to those you might choose to read this.
http://www.wikihow.com/Understand-Someone-With-Chronic-Pain

 

Great story Vanessa it choked me up…you go girl.

 

Thank you. Today has been little rough. One thing about TMS, is when you do the work, it is at times emotionally exhausting. I was joking with a friend of mine that turned me on to John Sarno, and I told him, "Yeah, I'm feeling better, but now I hate everybody." LOL

 

What a wonderful story. I am having a relapse right now with pain. Dating can often bring stuff up for me. Especially If I am afraid I am going to get hurt. I need to remind myself that I cannot be abandoned in the same way anymore. I am not a child and I can take care of myself and be responsible for my own decisions. It is ok to be vulnerable.

I think it is awesome how you let yourself really explore these deep feelings. I'm in a 12-step too and I have done some of this in step work but I've had sponsors that didn't encourage me to really dive into my feelings for the absolute sake of it. I think there is value in this. And FEELING the feelings.

What a joy to have you on the forum!!

Lexy

 

Lexy, thank you. I did some extra step 4 work on Anger and shame, my sponsor is awesome, but I have been tight all day, it's really upsetting. So I just ignore it, when it comes, i even say, it feels good, i don't care. But emotionally, god is this exhausting. I actually had to take a nap. I noticed when I shamed my body about getting dressed, and Im small, I was heavy, everything tenses, so I do acceptanace work, and when I got back from sponsor and it was going off, I kept walking, blow dried hair, said, "COME on, nothing wrong. I'm listening what do you need, stop with the tantrum. Its when I try and listen to Little girl and not judge, even though you feel half nuts, you don't care, you just want to get well. But I thought of all the shaming I had my whole life, and abuse, and I didn't start screaming or anything, but I started journalling out loud. You can have all your shame back, im not gonna pick on myself and who do you think you are doing that to a little girl, saying that, you mean and then I got way nasty. But I kept saying, I don't want this shame, i didn't come into the world with it, and I want it out of my body. So when I lay off myself, it pain goes down, but today not so easy, but i read, it takes a while to break down defense mechanisms, so sometimes you get better, and then it flares up before it dies. I just keep saying, the pain is irrevelant. But I need a nap. But i do medition and just try and listen to my body, it's like learning a new language, there is so much to learn, and with my tms, i have to make extra sure i don't over due. So when I do the structured program, I don't over write or over think, but when tms kicks in i just ask, what do you need, are you angry are you stressed, this abuse must have hurt, but you can let it go, you are safe you are safe no one will ever say anything nasty to you that I wont be able to defend, nor will they touch you, i have your back. And if I get scared, God has your back. And I try and be tender. That makes the sharp pain turn immediately into tight gluts, which I don't like to much either, but I keep staying loving, or I will reach out and help another. Take care Lexy, write anytime you want. V

 

I know for me it is so easy to think back into structural thinking - feeling like there IS something wrong with me - at least a little. I still don't know for sure but I feel way better today then I have in a couple days. I think what happens for me is I lose faith and I lose trust. Such a hard thing this is in life to really learn to love and accept ourselves FULLY. But that is what I want. In my life and in myself - to love and accept myself fully

 

I hear you. I worked on all this stuff today on day five, and posted it, and it never went through. All lost. I felt terrible. But I immediately let it go. I was painting most of today, and then about 1/2 an hour ago, after listening to some many talks on TMS, and TED talks on compassion for self, really beautiful, I painted as I listened. And for 3 days I didn't bully myself. I wanted to keep painting when the pain got really intense. I knew getting up and down was going to hurt, and I was just about ready to cry, and I just said, "you'll get better when you get better." It like im on a forced vacation from mentally beating myself up. I noticed if I put too much effort into "doing" instead of being, I clamp up. So I just stopped, felt the pain of getting my pjs on, and kept going, and just said, "it is what it is." I really was able to get intouch with my sadness, and just was again, no judgement, cried felt it, and thought, Ok, I am figuring this out, and it doesn't work like that for me. I just have to accept the fact I can't figure it out. I did try an experiement that worked really well. I was frightened of walking in hi heels so I listened to Dr. Allan give his talks while I was getting ready for work and had the hi heels on and had no pain. Yesterday, there was one point when I was completely out of pain, and I put on "love is the answer" - so last night on my way to work, I put that music on, and the shoes and walked a mile, and was basically not in any pain. But I was sad. And I don't like being sad, but I again, had to just say it's ok to be sad. This "head" work is a lot to handle, and I know you can overdo, and I am such an over acheiver. To give myself the next few days to just focus on myself and painting, and talking to people or not, doing whatever the heck I want, and staying with the "little girl in me" has been quite a feat. And I don't have any answers, but everytime I tighten up, I try and let go of the fear, or just being so exhausted from saying, "Ok, what's going on, its ok. You feel like a mom constantly watching over a sad angry child. And when you just find the right way to be firm and say, "There is nothing wrong with my back, and it's going to be ok. I also, gently touch my face and arm to stay directed at my heart. And tomorrow is a new day. If you want please let me know a little bit your syptoms and how you are. I couldn't agree more self compassion is a new concept for me.

 

Vanessa. I can relate to you trying to reverse the conditioned response of wearing high heels. I have had to wear ugly orthopedic shoes for 7 years now. I call them my UGLY OLD LADY SHOES.....so after learning of TMS just a few months ago, I am exercising for the first time ever and doing incremental training in heels ......it is my dream to be able to wear my PRETTY SHOES again. I will adopt your strategy of talking to myself while I wear these shoes around the house. That will build my confidence.

 

Goodness, I did not realize that pic would upload so LARGE

 

I thought it was an ebay ad!!! LOL. I thought, oh great, now not only are we all in pain, someone is trying to sell me some shoes. Too cute. Thank you. I didn't listen to myself, I listened to a lecture by allen or one of those therapists, so I could not hear my own voice, I could just tune into the facts and not think about my back.. And then I tried to make association and pain went down completely. Tonight was brutal, I just had a huge crying session thinking, OK, this almost always helps, and it didn't, a little bit. I couldn't even paint, I just thought go to sleep listen to some meditation or keep crying. Somewhere with my husband dying ten years ago, I still miss him. I been sobbing, not judging. You feel crazy because I cried when he died, but obviously something hurt a lot. And this last week, between feeling some childhood anger, and sadness, I just kept thinking of my husband. I felt very safe with him. And it's not letting up, so the hardest thing is just going to the bathroom, it's like im associating urinating with agony, so I am doing everything to break my association. I even thought I would put on music, or i just look at stuff in the bathroom and try and distract myself. I did read, anger, rage and sadness can cause alot of pain. I also stopped beating myself up. On a really interesting note, maybe you know this. after Oprah lost all this weight, she started to get this awful spasms of lower back pain, so she went back to eating. I on the other hand, having a hard time eating. I eat, but its kind of secondary. I get angry and tell it to go away, I wont take it anymore, or I ask my "inner child" what do you need. But believe it or not, just reaching out to you to say hi, made things subside a bit. I was so sorry to hear you had this for 7 years, but so happy that you are doing so much better and excersising. I had a huge break through when I made myself "run" across the street, not like a marthathon runner, but I ran, and it was like something clicked in with me truly not listening to the fear, and saying like a mantra, "structurally there is nothing wrong with my back." that seems to be a catch phrase for me. And the back and shoes ROCK!!!!!! Vanessa

 

Hi Vanessa I am doing better...My relapse has lifted for the most part. I was suffering with low back - hip pain.

Glad to hear you are able to laugh even with all of the feelings going on