Day 3 Recognising destructive behaviours

Hi,

I have recently started the Structured Education Program and at first I thought I was always kind to myself so how was I going to benefit from doing the program. Gradually, though I have started to become much more aware of how I am bullying myself and it has been especially helpful to read other people's examples.

I have a number of TMS symptoms but one of them which I believe is a TMS equivalent is that I get a very tight throat and find it hard to swallow sometimes. I have been to lots of doctors and had numerous procedures and tests done and nothing has ever been found to be wrong. I think possibly my unconscious mind latched on to this symptom for me personally because I first experienced it 4 or 5 years ago during a period of extreme stress. After a couple of days I went to my GP and because I was also losing weight (through anxiety and slight depression) I was booked in for test that same week. I was suddenly scared of what might be wrong and immediately completely preoccupied with the symptoms. I think my mind then knew that this was a good way to distract me when needed. I have had the same tests repeated each time the symptoms return (during stressful times) and nothing is found to be wrong. The last time the doctor explained to me that in your throat there is a muscle like a purse string and when you are anxious it tightens and that makes it hard to swallow and so I should just try not to think about it. I thought that knowing this would put my mind at rest and I would get over the symptoms but it actually made it worse. I have had this symptom for over a year now which is by far the longest time but again it coincided with reaching breaking point after several years of stress and having a breakdown. I hardly remember those two years because my mind was consumed with the symptom and not looking outwards to life. I also had more tests and spend a fortune on remedies and therapies to try to treat it.

Anyway, as I started the course I struggled to think of how I was bullying myself but today at lunch I realised I do it almost every meal when my throat symptoms are bad. I start to fear eating and so this makes me anxious so I start saying in my head, 'Just relax and you will be able to swallow.......for God's sake relax, what are you doing! ....... Why aren't you relaxing???' and things get worse and worse. So that is my Pressure bully and probably Critical bully. I then start thinking 'maybe there is something really wrong with you, maybe there is something wrong with your thyroid, maybe you have a growth, maybe it isn't TMS after all' or I will think 'Oh. God, what if this never gets any better? I am sure it is getting worse. How am I going to cope when I go for lunch next week'. That is my Fear bully.

I'm really sorry for the long post, I could write pages and have started to write my story and do find it helps. I just really wanted to acknowledge to myself that I am bullying myself and I thought this was a good place to do that.

 

Hi, Jamo. You are right in recognizing that fear of swallowing is just adding anxiety which increases the problem. You have to work on believing two things: There is nothing structurally wrong with your throat, and believe 100 percent that the swallowing problem comes from your emotions. Journaling in this SEProgram will help you to uncover those repressed emotions.

Try not to pay any attention to your fear bully. Practice deep breathing and be positive. Live in the present moment and make them happy moments. Visualize that you are somewhere you feel relaxed and happy. Go there mentally and while deep breathing, hear the calming sounds, absorb the calming things you see around you.

 

Hi Walt,

Thank you for reading my post and taking the time to reply. They are inspiring words and I particularly like 'live in the present moment and make them happy moments'. I have written that down to look at during the day and serve as a reminder.

I am about to start day 4 of the program although it is actually still week 0 as I have started with Alan Gordon's Recovery Program and this evening I am starting the bit on addressing repression like sadness and anger and I can't wait.

 

Hi Jamo,

I am glad you're doing the Recovery Program. So much good there... which you are using skillfully as you express below.

Part of working with TMS is that you begin to see how you may attack yourself for not getting better sooner. These attacks need to be seen, and disengaged from, or essentially ignored. One technique is to simply bring your attention to something else in your environment, rather than thinking you're wrong about ____________.

Andy B

 

Hi Jamo, how are you today?