Day 3 Pain is scary.

Past Traumatic Events and Experiences:
1) Mom got drunk and attacked me. I tried getting away from her so she wouldn't hurt me, my best friends house, then my brother's, but she still kept coming after me. I felt trapped and afraid. Age 16
2) My husband told me that he had $5000 sitting in a bank account that he had started before we were married, that he never told me about. I had taken all my money from my savings accounts as a down payment for our house when we first got married, and he was hoarding money without telling me. Exit plan money? He did something similar this year. I feel like I can't trust him. Age 28
3) On my 12th birthday I was taunted and teased at school by a group of bullies all day, who mocked me, saying it wasn't really my birthday and that I was just looking for attention. Age 12

When was the last time you exercised or did another physical activity? What was this activity? How did it make you feel physically and emotionally? If it is has been a while since you last exercised, why?

The last time I exercised was last week when I went for a walk with my daughter around the block. Emotionally and physically I felt great! It was so nice to get outside, get my heartbeat up, and spend some quality time with my daughter. I don't exercise much because I'm fatigued from migraines. Also, often when I exercise, I end up with a really bad migraine the next day from exertion (or at least this is what I tell myself).

I get so mad at myself because I limit the things I do because I'm afraid of my head hurting more!! Most days I can work through them, but I'm afraid of aggravating them so bad that I'll miss work and lose my job. I get in this scary thought process then. I worry that since my marriage isn't doing well, I really can't afford not to work, which makes me feel even more pressure to be "well" all the time. I'm so scared.

 

Hi, Lizzy. You definitely have TMS, from the emotional examples you write about.

My mother had a lot of migraine headaches and as I became an adult I realized they were from her TMS emotions, mainly financial insecurity in her marriage to my father. He worked hard but rarely was his salary able to pay the rent or other bills.

Deep breathing can help you with your headaches. There are some great videos on Youtube that demonstrate the way to do it.

Try to stay positive. Tell your subconscious that you are already starting to heal because you believe in TMS and your symptoms are not structural.

 

Thank you Walt! I do notice that when I start to get the pain I panic and my breathing becomes faster and shallower. I read your story. Your mom went through a really tough time in her marriages it sounds like. We don't struggle financially but the cost of medical treatment has put a strain on our marriage, among other things. Emotionally, I see myself in all of the literature about those who are struggling with TMS. I appreciate the confirmation. I feel like I'm on the right track.

When I get home today I'm going to look-up the breathing exercises. Did you ever try meditation?

I'll try your affirmation, about already starting to heal. When my head gets to pounding hard, it becomes difficult to think, and then I go into panic mode.

On that note******* THERE!, I just wrote the affirmations on an index card to remind myself. No more panicking! : )

 

Hi, Yes. I do meditation. My favorite is the Relaxation Response. You can learn about it at Youtube. It's like Transcendental Meditation, only it's free.

 

Great, I'll check it out. Thanks Walt!

 

@LizzyBennet , I 'm so sorry to hear of yr past traumatic experiences. Seems like the ppl who shld have been there for u & protected u r the very ppl u can't trust & that is a big betrayal.

Whats yr relationship like with yr mom now & how did yr husband explain not telling u about the money he was hoarding?

The things u described may well be contributing towards yr pain & the pressures u put put yrself under may be exacerbating it.

I would suggest u continue with the SEP & see what comes up as u journal. I also agree with Walt abt breathing. Do it whenever u feel overwhelmed as a way of calming yr nervous system. I understand what u mean by getting into a panic mode & its because u r so conditioned. You need to break the fear & panic that is associated with the headaches & soothe & calm yrself. So when u feel yr head getting achy, sit down, take some slow deep breaths & tell yrself that u r going to be ok. Tell yrself it is just a phase & that it will go away. This wont be easy & initially u will feel nothing is happening but if u do it regularly, u will begin noticing some changes.

If u feel walking gives u headaches then do something else which is enjoyable to u & slowly work yr way towards walking without pain. Don't let yr fear make u a prisoner.

And oh I love Lizzie Bennets character & P & P is my favourite Jane Austen book

All the best

Mala

 

Hi Lizzy,

Yoga was the way I got back into exercise. The beauty of it is that you are doing it perfectly by just doing as much as you can, as it teaches you to tune into your body and honor where it is at. Gradually my body became stronger and I became more confidant in my ability to push it without it triggering pain or a migraine.

 

Thanks for your response Mala, you hit the nail on the head. The people in my life who are supposed to love and protect me have lied and betrayed me. Last night my husband and I talked and while I told him I still loved him very much, he told me that he cared deeply for my welfare (not loved me). I took the day off work today, because I couldn't imagine working today with a migraine (like I do most days) while trying not to sob all day about my dissolving marriage.

I keep questioning myself, if my feelings of inadequacy in our marriage are because of my own mental state or his actions. There is the savings account he created before we were married. Then earlier this year we were about to buy a new house, and he started a new bank account and had all of his paychecks put in it. He said he was doing it to make sure we had enough money to pay for the house. It took two months of arguing for me to convince him that this was deceitful and wrong, before he finally started having his paychecks deposited into our joint savings account again. When I bring these things up he brings up petty things that I've done wrong (our dog died last summer, and we both agreed that we would wait a year or two to get another dog. The kids and I miss our dog a lot though, so we've been trying to convince him that we should get a dog next year. He says this makes him not trust me. That doesn't even make any sense to me. I haven't gotten a dog, I'm talking to him about it).

Something that my husband tells me often about myself is that I'm very strong and it's intimidating to other people. I now think he means himself. (eg I want a dog, he doesn't, but he can't stand up for himself and just say "no") So instead of saying "no" to me, he is passive aggressive.

My relationship with my mom is almost non-existent. There was a period when the kids were little that we didn't talk for 6 years because I cut her out of my life. She is a narcissist and she was trying to control me and my family. Now I keep her at a distance which isn't ideal, but it keeps her from attacking me. I realized while journaling today that I think part of the reason I feel so sad is that I feel like I'm trapped, like I did when I was growing-up with my mom. I know I overreact to my husband asking me to do things, because I hate being controlled, or feeling like someone is trying to control me. Sometimes I just feel like an animal in a cage.

The worst part is I blame myself. I worked so hard to get away from my mom, and now here I am! Living with someone who is emotionally closed off and treats me like a child. He's not an awful person, in fact he is a very good person, he doesn't talk down to me (normally) and he's taken on a lot of work around the house since I developed chronic migraines. I still do a lot of the housework, but he's pretty much taken on meals and meal planning.

I wish I could just step outside of myself and watch a video of our life over the past two years, to get a real perspective of what's going on in our marriage. What have I done wrong? Was he right to start an account behind my back? Am I overreacting to things? Did I make him emotionally closed off? (He said he doesn't like to bring problems up because I get defensive) I feel like I'm just a scapegoat blamed for everything.

I do put a lot of pressure on myself, you are right. I'm trying to figure out how to work, how to be a good mom and keep this marriage together. I've worked SO HARD for all of this and I really don't want to let go of that "Happy Image" of the perfect married family with kids go. I'm beating myself up for thinking about a divorce too, but in so many ways I just want to be left alone. I'm tired of being hurt.

Thanks for listening Mala. I'm tired of crying so I'm going to go do some abdominal breathing now. I do feel much calmer now though. It feels good to get that off my chest.

 

Lizzy when did yr headaches start & can to link it to anything that might be worth journalling about?

There r obviously a few things going on here that need addressing but I am not qualified enough to help. Would it be possible for u to work with someone who might be able to counsel u better?

Your relationship with your husband especially when u talk abt love vs caring deeply , yr role in the marriage, yr expectations from yr marriage, finances & yr role in decision making all seem like key issues.

As for yr mother- well confronting a narcissist is often counterproductive & if u were living or raised by a parent who is a narcissist then u need to set limits & boundaries so that u r not hurt. As hurtful as that may be for u & yr kids, its the right thing. So I think u are wise to keep yr distance from her.

Do u think the emotional effects of yr relationship with yr mother may also be affecting parts of yr relationship with yr husband? If so that may be another aspect u may want to journal about.

Try to reconnect with yr husband & maybe talk to him abt things that make u both happy. Men & women r different beasts & perceive & feel things differently. Tell him that u want to talk things through & try to lay some ground rules like being honest but not being accusatory or belittling. Talk abt yr expectations from each other without labelling or being contemptuous. And above all be honest to yrself.


Thx for sharing & good luck

Mala

 

Hi Mala,
We went to marriage counseling 7 years ago when we were having similar problems. We went through several different counselors, but we never found one who could help us. My husband and I decided that to fix our marriage we were on our own, and we both put much effort into communicating better and "dating" again.

We had a good talk last night and we basically came to that conclusion again. We're both upset with each other but we both want our marriage to last. I guess it's a work in process.

You're right about the key issues. It's hard to talk about them without sounding accusatory, but it certainly helps when we talk when we're not angry. Was it in Dr. Sarno's book? I can't remember but I read once that anger is a second emotion. Our first emotion is usually hurt. When we talk and reveal our emotional pain we listen to each other better. It's difficult because you expose your heart when you do that and risk getting hurt more, which I think we've both been doing.

I definitely think the relationship I had with my mom negatively affects my relationship with my husband. Sometimes the things he says or does makes me feel like I am in an abusive relationship again, and my knee jerk reaction is to fight.

Thanks again for your help and advice Mala. I'm feeling much better physically and emotionally today (funny how that works ; ) Take care

 

I'm going to try the hatha yoga you recommended. I printed out your success story and am reading it each day to get myself on the right track. I appreciate all of your help Ellen : )