Day 25 trying to stay positive but struggling.

[Alyssa5]

I have good days and bad days; some days I feel less pain while sitting down and then the other, the pain starts as soon as I sit down. When I am around other people, the pain does not seem to be my focus but when I am alone (at work, home) it is. My biggest struggle is having fear of the pain, I think about it all the time. I have tried putting my attention to non painful areas but my brain goes back to the pelvis.

When I feel more pain (I feel as though I have pain everywhere at this point), pelvic pain and arms burning, I feel like giving up! I don't have the energy and will to keep on fighting TMS, I say I give up.. I can't do this anymore, I am tired you win! Hoping that it will have a little mercy on me and go away but it doesn't. I just can't believe that I am working the program and yet the pain continues; why aren't I so lucky like the ones who had those miraculous cures! I get angry and start to lose it because I start thinking about my future with this fucken pain (I am 36 so I have a long life ahead of me, with pain I am not interested in living a long life and wish that someone would just take me out of this misery!) Sorry but I am just being honest.. Nerve pain is very painful! When you feel that your skin is literally on fire when you sit or add pressure to it, its very depressing.

I started off this program feeling so positive but I am losing hope that this program will help me. I question if I am doing something wrong here, am I not expressing my emotions when I write. I am trying to stay positive but my negative thoughts always pop in very rapidly and I feel that they overpower the positive ones. I know that I have TMS but i don't know what else I can do it beat it; i feel as though it has won. Some days I feel as though I am stuck in a deep whole and don't know how to dig myself out. I am the type of person that always finds solutions to problems and I am completely lost here.

 

[KevinB]

Hi Alyssa,

Uggg, I feel you ... it can be VERY difficult to stay on course - but in all honesty, I think that is one of our main personality traits that contributes to TMS - we are perfectionists and problem solvers, we are doing the work, we want results NOW. Unfortunately, it's been my experience that it doesn't work that way. Last time I overcame the pain, it was at the end of the program. Today I was feeling so positive, and I went out for a walk, and I was in a lot of pain. I was trying to ignore it, talk to it, sooth it, blah blah blah, but the fact of the matter is I was engaged with it, my focus was ON THE PAIN, and that's what TMS wants. It was discouraging. In fact, I came home and cried a bit - not out of pain, but out of frustration regarding my pain. I just want to be able to walk pain free. You want to be able to sit pain free. I also fear that the program won't work for me again this time, but that is future tripping. Trying to keep in just today helps. So I have to go back out today, actually going to see a new therapist, so I'll go about it, just focusing on the task at hand.

Anyhow, I feel you, thousands before us have gone through exactly what we are and have come out the other side. Hope you feel better.

Kev

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Alyssa and Kevin. Most of us do have good days and bad, regarding healing from our TMS symptoms. When I have a bad day and some pain returns to my back, I just take time out for myself and do some deep breathing and watch a Youtube video on relaxation. Kev, good luck at the new therapist.

 

[KevinB]

Thanks Walt... yea, I guess today is just something of a "bad" day.... I went to take the bus to the therapy session, it never came, so I had to cancel it.... I came home soo angry, I just burst into tears.... I don't know what's going on, but I guess just a mixture of past/present shit. A close friend died of a drug overdose about a month ago; my wife is 6+ months pregnant with our first baby; my job is annoying (as they all are); all the BS happening around the world with shootings and crap; this relapse of pain; and my bike was stolen on Wednesday.... I can look at these and say to myself, these are "luxury" problems, and indeed they are - but they still kick up many emotions regardless. I have this habit that every time I've had a back issue over the past 4-5 years, the damn walking is the primary issue (trigger I suppose), but I can ride a bike entirely pain free.... so when I got off the subway Wednesday night to find that my bike had been stolen, I was in a panic.... "how am i going to get around?" I thought... then I had thoughts like "maybe this is a good thing, it'll force me to walk", but I'm still in so much pain when I walk, I get VERY frustrated!!!! This morning I took my old bike and walked it down to a bike shop about half a mile from home, and it was closed, like out of business closed... so that sort of triggered some more anger/fear.... anyways, venting, I'm just letting it out. I'm so grateful that my wife si so supportive in all this, and this online community. I think I'll just relax with my cats for a bit, then maybe take the old bike down to another bike shop.

Kevin

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Kevin. You have had a s--tpile of disappointments and anxieties lately, but it's good that you are taking it so well. There's an old saying...
"It never rains but it pours!" (The Morton salt commercial). I can understand the stolen bike problem... When I was about ten, my folks bought a new bike for my older brother and sister and me. My brother rode it first, to the drug store for some candy. When he came out, the bike was gone! Dad said he couldn't afford to buy a new one, so my siblings and I grew up without a bike. We got around on roller skates until they got worn out.

I hope the gods are better to you now. Keep reminding yourself... The best is yet to come!

I too am troubled by the gun violence lately. I try not to watch the news about it, but can't resist out of curiosity. I need to stop that.

Get your bike fixed and enjoy the riding.