Day 23

[cookieheals]

What part of this treatment plan am I avoiding: returning to physical activity. I mean, I worked out the other day, but I still have a fear of the pain. I don't believe there is anything structurally wrong with me, but I'm afraid of the pain. I tried telling myself that the pain is as a result of my expectation of it; and not my body- my body is not a costume I wear; I am the one who wears my body. The pain has also shifted to the arch of my foot which was 'the original pain' the 'mother pain', the one that started 6 years ago and was my first manifestation of TMS pain. My knee is fine now; actually it became like my side leg, but that's getting better. Now that I'm dealing with the 'mother pain' I'm struggling with believing that it is TMS. I have been told for yeaaarrrrsss that it was my flat feet. And that's hard for me to un-learn.

The left leg is now completely fine. Praise God. So there's progress.... except for this damn right arch.

What am I still repressing? I heard today for the first time the term 'narcissistic rage' and that resonated with me. Self inflicted anger- not anger at anyone else. And also fear. Waves of fear that are extremely overwhelming, I choose not to deal with them. And possibly a lot of sadness and grief. I'm not sure where that comes from but just writing the word grief brings tears to my eyes.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi cookieheals,

I see that you're making great progress, symptoms resolving, "moving around." It is not uncommon that as you work your TMS process, the symptoms will move to that which may hook you more.

TMS is trying to "do its job" of being believable, important, distracting. Or you could say the deeper emotions want to be known, and they keep "showing up" in what really can grab us. Or you could say that the "danger alarm signal" (on the emotional level) needs to express itself. I hope you can frame all this in whatever way which helps you feel confident.

And the continuation of the emotional exploration ----your sincere quest is a huge, genuine support for the process. When we ask what our deeper parts feel, the answers come. With more understanding and intimacy, there is less need for the emotions to come out "sideways" in symptoms.

I tried telling myself that the pain is as a result of my expectation of it; and not my body- my body is not a costume I wear; I am the one who wears my body.

This is great! This feels like you're getting in touch with your own locus of control, your own center. This is not easy when in pain, and it is probably core work, supports you so that you're less apt to be bowled over by symptoms.

Andy