Day 20: Stuck

[shirleypm]

Hi Friends;
I started with program with gusto, and then I started to slow down. First a day missed here, then there, now days have gone by. I've also had bad writer's block, unable to write to my blog since Valentine's Day. Ironically, I thought labeling my blog entry "Stuck" would get me going, but I'm struggling.

Yes, I'm facing buried fears and buried rage. And each time I start my journalling, that evening ends with travelling shoulder pain. The first time my right shoulder blade flared up after I wrote, I knew this was TMS.

I had a discussion with a therapist about feeling emotionally "stuck," which she described as my anxiety, and a habitual thought pattern in avoidance. I don't know how to "get off the couch" and back into this. I don't want to focus on the pain, I want to focus on the psychological, and I'm finding this difficult to do so. The words "should" are in my vocabulary, which was pointed out to me - an unhealthy concept for a recovering perfectionist.

Any words of wisdom? I want to go on, but am facing that inner demon which keeps whispering "you should be over this by now" and "this is ridiculous, why do you have to bring this xxxx up again?"

Thoughts and support welcome.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Any words of wisdom? I want to go on, but am facing that inner demon which keeps whispering "you should be over this by now" and "this is ridiculous, why do you have to bring this xxxx up again?"

You entered this with a lot of gusto and sincerity Shirley. That touches me, and I want to reflect that back to you. This is probably the main fuel that will get you through over time. Regardless of any momentary setbacks. The awakening to more awareness, and our life force to live more free are very fundamental urges, deep down inside. You seem to have tapped into this, in your inner work: the desire to live outside of the restrictions that took you over in mind-body.

In my experience any time we break free from our old thinking and enter in to new experiences, like you are with the TMS contemplation, and the SEP program and journaling, there is what some call the "rubber band" response. We are stretched, and we naturally come back to a pre-stretch condition. My teacher Radha Conrad put it differently, but beautifully. When you are more in touch with your Being (awareness and life force in your case perhaps), all the obscurations to living that way arise. They arise to be seen and worked with.

So what is it that needs to be worked with right now for you? Is it patterns of pushing yourself? Comparative judgement to other's experience? Inner Critic attacks? Feelings of not getting anywhere? Beliefs that you "should" be___________ or do _____________.

Sometimes these old status patterns really emerge as a natural defense to understanding more about ourselves. Sometimes they were always operating, but they seem more activated because of our growing awareness. Part of your inquiry can be how you have pushed the boundaries of who you took yourself to be in the last months or weeks. You have expanded. Now there is a reaction. It happens to everyone. No one is on a perfect "moonshot."

I write this because I hope you might see this ebb and flow of "progress" or will power, or zest as a natural rhythm, something we all go through. If you can, observe your feelings of stuckness and have compassion for yourself. See the suffering we tend to lay on ourselves, and that we may not be able to help it. It is the condition we're in, this belief that we are not enough down deep, or that we are behind. Hold yourself at this time, be with yourself, and the rhythm will pull you to something more pleasing, with a little time. In the meantime, your self acceptance has grown...

I am sending you my love and support!

Andy B.

 

[DebraW]

Hi Shirley
I am very new to this at day 34 or so, and one of the biggest challenges I faced was putting pressure on myself in terms of wanting to be healed instantly. I've discovered there's no timeline, and everybody is not cured immediately. When I stopped measuring my pain and asking myself why it wasn't happening faster, things were worse.
So now when those thoughts come into my head, I dismiss them and relax about the whole journey. I'm in pain but I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Reading Steve Ozanich's book really helped too. His story is incredible and very inspirational.
Hang in there, you can do it!
Debra

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Shirley. I agree with the other replies that it can take time to heal from TMS, but for most everyone, it does come.
I hope you don't think about or worry about your pain and how to heal from it too late into the evening.
It's best to do things you enjoy and have yourself in a peaceful state of mind at least a few hours before bed.
Listen to soft music, watch Youtube videos on relaxation, etc.
Turn off the "time clock" for healing. Healing from pain will come when you're discovered your repressed emotions
and also learned to take things slower and not pressure yourself to heal. You'll get there.

 

[shirleypm]

Thank you, friends.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

You are welcome shirleypm.
Andy B.