Day 20 Dang Heartbeat

[Stracksstory]

I’ve made great progress with my TMS. Nearly every symptom has largely gone away. When they do show up, I know what they are, and their presence is brief. I am so thankful for that. In fact, while I’m writing this, I am reminding myself that I need to continue to be thankful for that, and not forget it.

it’s just that the one symptom that sticks around is the one that just keeps poking me. It’s my sometimes constant hypervigilance about my heartbeat. I don’t have palpitations or anything like that. I just feel my heart beating. I notice it in my stomach I noticed it in my head, I noticed it in my arms. It’s just there. It’s most noticeable when I’m sitting or lying in bed. When I’m moving around, I have no problem at all.

But when I am sitting still, I always feel a compulsion to rub my toes or feel my fingers or bounce my leg. That way, I don’t notice my heartbeat.

I wish it would just go away! I confess it then leads me down thought patterns of ‘what’s wrong with me?’ ‘This can be normal!’ I’ve started to think maybe I really should take my blood pressure. But I’m afraid of doing that. If I find out it’s high then that will send me into all sorts of concerns about doctors and medical bills and so forth. On the other hand, if I find out it’s slow, then I can tell myself: see! What you’re feeling is normal. You’re just feeling it. I have read elsewhere that checking your blood pressure can become obsessive, especially since blood pressure changes all the time.

And as I’ve mentioned before, I have plenty of reasons to believe my heart is fine from several emergency room visits, several cardiologist tests, and my family doctor, not to mention having met with Dr. Stracks, who also agreed that I’m fine.

I’m embarrassed to admit all of this. I’ve mentioned these symptoms and all my thoughts about them before on this forum elsewhere, so I feel goofy saying it again, but it just keeps bothering me. This is sort of a confession. It’s just that this symptom nags at me.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

This is sort of a confession. It’s just that this symptom nags at me.

I get sort of periods (luckily they don't happen often - it used to happen a lot more before I recovered) of becoming obsessed with my heartbeat (as well as other things - sometimes for example I won't be able to get to sleep because I'll just become aware that I'm sleeping on my rib - I sleep on my side - and then it becomes really tender and can even start to hurt - will probably happen tonight now that I'm talking about it haha - but it's clearly TMS as there's nothing wrong with my ribs and the bed doesn't change). I think it's just another challenge psychologically.

When it happens to me, I'll try (I appreciate that it's not easy sometimes) to check in with what's really bothering me (usually I'm putting something off and this is acting as a sort of subconscious excuse/distraction - as most TMS is) - it's like another compulsion to me and is similar to when all of a sudden I have to clean the whole house - a period of increased pressure on myself (caused by stress) in which I need to achieve and be perfect - the heartbeat can just become another thing I need to fix or to ensure is perfect (when in most cases, after it's checked, it already is)

 

[Stracksstory]

Thanks for that. Those are good reminders. I have a tendency to fall down in hopelessness. One thing going through this whole TMS process has taught me is that I have to stand up and fight. I have to fight for belief in what is true, I have to fight for joy, and I have to fight my natural slide in the other direction.

attitude makes such a difference for me. But it’s hard to keep up when you feel like a symptom has returned or is sticking around long. I have to remember that I’m still pretty early on this journey.

I just listened to a great podcast by Thought by Thought Healing where they talked about not hating yourself or your body. I have to work on that. Being ticked off or hopeless, doesn’t get me anywhere except backwards.

I think since the heartbeat thing was one of my earliest symptoms I can fall into this belief that somehow all the other symptoms went away because they were TMS, but the heartbeat thing is structural. I have so many reasons to know this is not the case, but it’s there.

On the other hand, it’s possible my brain knows that this symptom is the one that works to distract me from stresses in my life.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

I think since the heartbeat thing was one of my earliest symptoms I can fall into this belief that somehow all the other symptoms went away because they were TMS, but the heartbeat thing is structural. I have so many reasons to know this is not the case, but it’s there.

I get that - but like you said you have reasons to know it isn't and really you have the ultimate reason, being all of those tests. Whilst TMS can shake our trust in doctors, the heart is literally studied to death and no one is taking any chances with it (the amount of research that goes into it given the prevalence of heart disease is massive).

I could make a case to say I'd probably be most confident (and this isn't entirely hypothetical because I had an echocardiogram that gave me so much reassurance) in tests of the heart compared to tests in other parts of the body - that might just be me (and my biases) but I just feel like medicine is really advanced in that area.

On the other hand, it’s possible my brain knows that this symptom is the one that works to distract me from stresses in my life.

Given that all the tests are clear (and the weight of that evidence as it relates to TMS), I'd say this is more than a possibility.