Day 20 - Backslider?

I was just working on Day 20, even though I should be well and done with the 42 days by now. My pain has increased again and has my breathing all in a knot, jaw tight, and I feel like I want to run for the advil. The Mind-dump (spider web thingy) helped me with some of the current stressors i'm facing today. So here's an update... I appreciate the space to air it and share it.

I decided to make an apt with a Chiro. I know - why?? Because a guy I know gave me a huge testimony on how this guy fixed his chronic sciatica in two visits. He works w/ the guy who treats several of our state sports teams - Redskins, the Nationals, DC United. I can't shake this feeling that has come on to me that while I believe it's emotional, I also believe something physical could be contributing. The guy I spoke to was working with scar tissue break up which healed him. I don't think it's my bulging disc. I don't buy into that anymore, and I know I don't need surgery. There is still that small part of me that is afraid, and I can feel the adrenaline coursing through my body when the pain spiked this morning, and it said, "fix me". I know that's not the solution either. I have to keep journaling and emotionally digging. I have fear of retaliation and being booted off the TMSWiki Island for making an apt w/ a Chrio. Like i'm going against the rules. And part of me is wondering if I brought this on myself. So i'm putting it out there. I know this process isn't meant to heal overnight. And I also know I haven't been as diligent about writing daily and doing the Wiki daily. I do need to recommit.

Sigh. This is such a process. Discouraging at times. I actually don't like reading about the miracle heals - the people who just read the book and walked away feeling marvelous. It makes me angry. I know we're not supposed to be counting days, and I haven't really been, but I also feel like the book Healing Back Pain translated in my head like 'fairly quick and easy process - little back sliding - maybe some transference of pain'. I don't want to live the rest of my life in pain. :'( (and see - the "Why Me's" have entered as well). I just get really sad when this happens. SO. That's where i'm at right now. Feeling a bit sad. Acknowledging that I do have a lot of stress in my life - a lot of people wanting my time and my ear. Also noting that i'm taking on a lot in my life right now, and taking a lot on while feeling rather aimless about it. Directionless w/o a guide is what it feels like. So I need to look at that some more, and decide if now is the time for that.

Thanks for reading.

-Heather

 

Dear Heather,
Your statement is a very clear indicator that you have the TMS personality trait of being a goodist. You are concerned about following the rules and being a "good" TMSWiki user. Put that worry aside, dear one. This forum is a place to be honest and air your doubts and concerns. I can't speak for everyone, but I've had doubts along the way and the concern that I will be one of those rare people for whom this type of therapy won't work. I get annoyed and irritated by the miracle "book cure" people at times, too.

Healing from TMS is not a linear process for most of us, where we just jump on the bandwagon and it's clear sailing to healing from there. It's up and down and sideways and stalling for awhile. There's certainty and there's doubt, and sometimes the need to check in with a health care professional or Dr. Google just to make sure. It's all OK and part of the process. Just don't give up on exploring a healing path here. I've been at this for almost a year, and I'm certain at this point that I'm on the right path. I'm not 100% healed from TMS yet, but my progress is undeniable. I had tried every other type of healing therapy out there and pursued it for longer periods of time and didn't get anywhere. This is the real deal. But it is hard work and can be discouraging and even emotionally painful at times. But that is why we have the Forum. We all need some support, empathy, and compassion from others at times to keep going.

So go visit the chiropractor if you feel like you need to. But keep journaling and working the SEP too. Do it at the pace that feels right for you. Keep posting and letting us know how you're doing and how we can help support you. Keep being honest about how you feel. That is an important part of healing. And go easier on yourself.

Take care....

 

That was a great reply from Ellen. Only thing id add is dont worry about falling behind in the SEP as most people do and it doesnt matter. Im on day 34 and I should be done by now. Also some people wont accept the tms diagnosis until after they have tried everything. Obviously if you get a really good recommendation then its only natural you want to try it. I can relate to alot of your thoughts and worries. YOUR NOT ALONE!

 

Heather,

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying also. I read your story and we sound quite similar. Dealing with the back pain is so tough sometimes - just last night I feel I had a really bad flare up and was having a real difficult time with it! I resisted my narcotic meds and just had some bog standard pain killers, but they didn't touch it. I then tried rolling my hips on my tennis ball (something I've not tried to do since finding out about TMS). Both have made me feel like I'm weak and cheating. But in the moment you really will try anything to avoid the growing feeling of despair with your pain.

Its disheartening to think that you need to be believing TMS 100% for the treatment to work, but feeling like dealing with physical symptoms in the short term is going to re-enforce the physical belief of structural problems. Its a real catch 22, and the thing I am finding by far the hardest. Do you grin and bare the painful physical symptoms, try and ignore them and fully 100% commit to backing the TMS psychological angle? Or is it ok to "treat yourself" to minor symptom relief attempts in the interim? I think it sounds like we are both struggling with this.

I wish you the best of luck - lets try and keep each other posted on progress and encourage each other. If you can do it then so can I. If I can do it then so can you

Best wishes,

Adam

 

Hey Adam its great to see another Englishman on the forum.
I used to prod and poke my back all the time before I found out about tms. So far ive managed to resist but on the odd occasion ive instinctively started rubbing my back and had to stop myself. If im having a flare up I try and read the 12 daily reminders over and over and move around as much as I can and try and best I can to not think about it and ignore it. Its not easy is it? doing the running has helped me and as I do it I try to get myself worked up and angry as if to say come on! bring it on! your not gonna get the better of me. I talk to my brain as im running to I laugh at it and say look im running and your not gonna stop me.

Have you both done the Alan Gordon program on here? He recommends doing a list of evidence of why you have tms. I read this also when I have doubts.

 

I am doing the structured education plan at the moment. I am definitely in this for the long haul, so will do the 42 days and then if I am improving but not better, I am going to do Alan Gordon's program also. I am trying to do the SEP quite comprehensively and take my time with the journaling etc, so don't want to do both at the same time.

I am also waiting for Steve Ozanich's book, the great pain deception, to be delivered from Amazon. Quite looking forward to reading that.

Funny reading your story - I haven't ticked off quite as much from the 'tried' list as you, but I have many. I also bought the Pain Free Egocsue book. When I asked my chiropractor about this he hadn't even heard of it! It makes me feel like I am a back pain expert now. Its very frustrating not getting anywhere after putting in so much effort to heal over the years. I have now stopped the chiro - throwing myself into this completely. Still know that subconsciously I am having trouble getting to the 100% belief though...

Good to see a Englishman too How are your pain levels now...?

Cheers,

Adam

 

My pain levels are improving. Very slowly but It doesnt seem to bother me as much anymore and it definitely helps to try to not care about the pain as much.
Its amazing how much doctors dont know about back pain. I was even at the pain clinic at one point and that was a waste of time. When I was seeing people whether it would be a chiropractor, my gp or at the pain clinic. I found too many had limited knowledge or a particularly biased view. Some were good though but few and far between. The thing I didnt like about chiropractors is they want to see you week after week and they fail to grap the fact that muscles move bones and not the other way round. There are some good ones out there though. Are bones really misaligned? In most cases i think not.

 

If symptoms are minor it may be easier for some of us to ignore them. There are others who find it a real challenge to ignore them. They may constantly checking in with and worry about these symptoms. This is a sure fire way to keep them going. Do what you have to do to soothe yourself while reminding your brain that you know what you are doing is not a cure, just something to take the strain off for the moment. You can't force a 100% commitment. It will come with time, however long that may be. I hold my hands up like hne913 and admit I booked some sessions with a physiotherapist last year. This made my pain so much worse, I cannot begin to describe it but it put me off physio for sciatic pain forever so I ultimately had a positive outcome. I later booked some sessions with an osteopath who I had gone to off and on over the years. I knew full well he would not be able to cure me. I just wanted comfort, encouraging words and a good laugh - all of which this particular guy could provide. It's sad in a way but there is no one else in my life who could have provided me with these things. I also dragged out an old heating pad, again for emotional rather than physical comfort. It was like a warm soothing hand. Drugs too featured but I made a point of stopping them as soon as I could. Learning mindfulness meditation helped immensely with this task.

 

Perhaps I should look into this as well then. I have noticed myself taking a minute or two here and there to just try breathing deeply in and out. When doing this I am trying to visualise the area that is hurting 'relieving' - whether it be though blood reaching the area or what. I guess this is the beginnings of meditation, although I don't really know!

Rich -

I agree - most don't seem to know too much. When I have asked my chiropractor, he is very good at giving my anatomical explanations, but not really linking the pain I am feeling with the explanation. I have a degenerated L5-S1 disc - can see it black on an MRI compared to the other discs looking white. But the pain I get is a mixture of strange and expected. I have a constant dull ache by that disc - if I arch my back in a certain way and almost consciously 'compress' the disc, I feel it really hurt. This for me is the biggest challenge in not thinking it's structural - this pain has never moved and it seems logical to assume it is the disc. But then I have hip pain, buttock pain that moves from side to side (even though my disc bulges to the left), and more recently, upper back and neck pain! Shoulder pain at the front, and forearm ache. Really strange, and not possibly related to the L5-S1 disc. So on the flip side, this is making me think more and more its TMS.

The experts have never been able to fully explain my pain - not one. This is what has led me here so far. I so so so hope that this is the answer!

Thanks,

Adam

 

Adam I read somewhere that it mentions in Steve Ozanich's book that after the age of 20 most people have a degenerated L5-S1 disc. Have you come across that before?

 

Yeah it says something similar in Sarno's Healing back pain too. I know my orthopaedic surgeon also said something like getting your discs like that is like getting grey hairs - just normal with ageing. I hope when i get grey hairs they aren't as painful...!