Day 17 - A Step Backwards?

[AngK]

Everything seems to be going well. The TMS symptoms have been moving around but nothing I couldn't handle... until 3 days ago. Trigger points causing pain in between my shoulder blades & neck are affecting my movement & sleep. They're relentless and I can't even find them to release them. I think I will have to break down & go to a massage therapist. I know there's nothing wrong with me... just knotty muscles deprived of oxygen b/c of my subconscious. There's nothing really more stressful about the past couple of days than any other days. I don't think anything is really "wrong"... could it just be the subconscious acting on its own... whether I need it to or not? (Kind of like allergies)?
Anyway, off to the gym to see what I can do... I went Monday and found that it was very painful but it didn't make it worse (or better, unfortunately).
Any suggestions or insight would be helpful!

 

[AngK]

I'm just now sort of getting used to journaling. It'd hard for it to flow unless I'm having a really obviously bad day.
And I haven't tried meditation yet. I've never done it before and quite frankly I've always been a real revved up type of person. I've tried yoga classes a couple of times & my thought is always "ok, let's hurry it up" I can definitely see where it would be good for me, I just don't know if I could see myself doing it... especially in this chaotic house (with two small, loud, crazy boys). I don't even know if I know what to do!

 

[AndrewMillerMFT]

AngK,

I found your use of the phrase, "break down" to be interesting. It may speak to the amount of pressure you're putting on yourself to treat your symptoms as PPD. You're probably right in doing it but it could also be helpful to become aware of how you feel when the PPD is acting up and how you treat yourself at those times. A more compassionate view may be to realize that people have good and bad PPD days, that their journey to symptom reduction is up and down and your experience is not uncommon. If you're able to hold that notion, what becomes the most compassionate act for yourself? Continue to challenge the symptoms? Accept them? Get a massage? All seem like fine choices to me.

 

[myg]

A more compassionate view may be to realize that people have good and bad PPD days, that their journey to symptom reduction is up and down and your experience is not uncommon. If you're able to hold that notion, what becomes the most compassionate act for yourself? Continue to challenge the symptoms? Accept them? Get a massage? All seem like fine choices to me.

That is reassuring to know. I put a huge amount of pressure on myself as well and it is good to know that I don't always have to be making forward progress.

Now when I try to get my groove on my 12 year old daughter just looks at me in disdain and says "mom, no, just no." They crack me up.

Haha, that's a great story. Teenagers think they know everything.

 

[AngK]

AngK,

I found your use of the phrase, "break down" to be interesting. It may speak to the amount of pressure you're putting on yourself to treat your symptoms as PPD. You're probably right in doing it but it could also be helpful to become aware of how you feel when the PPD is acting up and how you treat yourself at those times. A more compassionate view may be to realize that people have good and bad PPD days, that their journey to symptom reduction is up and down and your experience is not uncommon. If you're able to hold that notion, what becomes the most compassionate act for yourself? Continue to challenge the symptoms? Accept them? Get a massage? All seem like fine choices to me.

I read your post last night, informed my husband that today I would be having a massage so he'd be on kid duty (he said okey-dokey) but when I woke up this morning the symptoms were gone. *rubs temples* This is all a little confusing. I suppose with time I'll get the hang of it!

 

[AngK]

Dear AngK,

I am sure there are lots of people in this forum that could give you advice on meditation. It really is helpful in developing your internal awareness and in calming down your system. I have had several respected teachers tell me that it is more important to get in the habit of sitting quietly for even 5 minutes on a consistent basis then it exactly what you are doing when you are sitting. There is no right or wrong. One simple method is to just sit and focus on your breathing for a few minutes. Sometimes I will take a few moments before I get out of my car. Try to just observe your thoughts and let them go, float past, rather than run away with them. There are also guided imagery CD's(or MP3's I don't know what you call them these days) that are very helpful in relaxing and getting into a meditative state. So many of the doctors, therapists and advisors on TMS recommend some form of meditation that I think it is really important to try and incorporate it into our recovery program. Also journaling seems to also get mentioned a lot as a key component for people who have successfully recovered. And it also seems like journaling is something that people who have recovered continue to do as a sort of maintenance. I have journaled since I was very young but I have been reading so much about TMS that I suddenly put a lot of pressure on myself to try and do all the the written exercises - dialogs, letters, journaling. I think I have been trying too hard as usual. Its like I want to learn to love and accept myself and change everything down to every little moment of how I think and feel all at the same time. Somehow I have to learn how to just be, pain or no pain. Anyway, you don't have to meditate for long periods of time for it to be enormously beneficial. The more you do it, the more relaxing and comforting it is. I know what its like with small children. When mine were little I decided to take up dancing in my livingroom for exercise. They immediately sensed I was trying to do something fun for myself so they would grab my legs and try to make me stop. I tried everything to encourage them to dance with me but they wouldn't have it. So I would give them to my husband and close the door. They would escape and pound on the door, screaming for me to stop. And I would yell back "No, mama is going to dance!" Now when I try to get my groove on my 12 year old daughter just looks at me in disdain and says "mom, no, just no." They crack me up.

Anne, thanks so much for your reply. I will try your suggestions. I think meditation is difficult because I always have 100 thoughts racing through my head! It's hard to slow down. I'm the type that is always shaking my foot, tapping my pen on the table, shoulders hiked up. I even wake up at night with my fists clenched. This is why I typically turn to high intensity cardio workouts to sweat off some of the extra energy. But I am thinking now that I may need to balance that with other outlets -- like meditation (in addition to what Andrew Miller suggests re: expectations of myself)
And I can relate to the kids... I was stretching the other day and my 9 year old informed me that his friend was coming over and "please don't stretch your buttocks in front of him"

 

[gailnyc]

I'm just now sort of getting used to journaling. It'd hard for it to flow unless I'm having a really obviously bad day.
And I haven't tried meditation yet. I've never done it before and quite frankly I've always been a real revved up type of person. I've tried yoga classes a couple of times & my thought is always "ok, let's hurry it up"

AngK, I've been reading your posts with great interest because you really seem to have "gotten" TMS and the healing process, and I feel that I can learn from you.

But I wonder if you have connected being "a real revved up type of person" with TMS? Is it possible that being "revved up" has strained your nervous system, and that the pain is your nervous system's way of telling you to slow down?

Something I started doing a few months ago was taking 5-10 minutes during my busy day to just sort of chill. I would make some tea (decaffeinated! caffeine stimulates the nervous system) and sit near a window and do nothing. I'd let my thoughts wander, or just think of nothing. It seems like we are always racing around and our bodies need a break from stress sometimes, especially those of us who put a lot of pressure on ourselves. I came to the realization that I had become addicted to my own adrenaline and have been taking steps to slow down and deactivate. (hence the switch from coffee to tea, and then from regular tea to decaf)

Just something you might consider...

 

[AngK]

Oh, yes... that's an ongoing battle!
In one of my posts (I've had several the past few days & can't keep them straight!) I wrote something that resonated with me: the pain keeps me from living in the moment for some reason. (And for the word "pain" you could insert "being busy", "revved up", etc.) I got 5 minutes to myself the other day while folding laundry (I find reflection easier when doing mundane mindless tasks) and realized that I'm afraid of being too happy. I really do have a great life: wonderful husband, the smartest, funniest kids you've ever met, money is not a problem, we're healthy. Due to childhood issues I don't trust being happy. It vanishes in a blink of an eye and leaves you feeling blindsided & stupid. I think I make myself less happy (via TMS) and thereby think I'm going to reduce the shock when that catastrophic event happens or maybe if I'm not 100% happy then the catastrophic event will bypass me entirely as if "it" only targets the really happy people (yeah, stupid I know).
And I can tell this is a real issue b/c usually once I acknowledge an issue I feel a great sense of relief. But this one is weighing heavily on me. Every time I think about something happening to my family or this happiness, or just giving myself over to the happiness & believing in it (letting go of the cynicism), I tear up & often my chest tightens up. All the TMS experts say that fear is the most potent emotion and I believe it. I can't seem to intellectualize the fear completely away. It's not a quick fix (to my surprise). It will take time. Unfortunately I'm not known for my patience

 

[gailnyc]

Oh, yes... that's an ongoing battle!
Due to childhood issues I don't trust being happy. It vanishes in a blink of an eye and leaves you feeling blindsided & stupid. I think I make myself less happy (via TMS) and thereby think I'm going to reduce the shock when that catastrophic event happens or maybe if I'm not 100% happy then the catastrophic event will bypass me entirely as if "it" only targets the really happy people (yeah, stupid I know).

Yup yup I have a similar problem. I've always attributed it to my Jewish upbringing--we are a Pessimistic People, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Better to be miserable all the time thank risk allowing happiness to happen and then be taken away.

I don't actually have a solution for this, although just being aware of it is a start.