Day 12

[Zade]

Well I guess I need a break from this because I feel very reactive. All I need is that Holmes And Rahe stress scale and add points up to be further worried about a risk of illness. Just one event in my life gets me a third of the way there. I have read ad nauseum about how our thoughts affect our bodies and I have tried to find what traumas there were in my childhood and I have searched these things for years but feel unsuccessful and then there's the catch 22 situation that you need to search out what's wrong but then you need to think positively.And though I'm quite sure my brain is sending the pain, I am not a perfectionist nor do I overly care what people think, etc. I am though a striver and I am sure I must have repressed anger as I child when I tried to be good.....but who hasn't. It works to say okay, I don't care about the pain for a while and that does work for a time, but then there comes a time when it is just too much. Yours in frustration.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Zade,

I appreciate hearing you express your reactivity so clearly. UUUGGHH!

I get that there is a deep need to relieve the pain, followed by a lot of effort, and no clear results or path. You feel frustration that "I'm supposed to do this and that and the other (perfectly) or it won't work." Too much seems to be asked of you, and no amount of effort is solving it for you.

Part of the nightmarish mindf**k that I know is my core belief that I need to do things, or think things, or figure out things in a certain way to be safe. It is probably a nightmare belief (from a helpful survival strategy) from the past as a child when I had so little control. And when reality echos the irreconcilable childhood demands (like investigate "what's wrong" and then think positive (!)), we can really get caught! We probably can't help it, this frustrating little hell vortex.

Perhaps just allowing the awareness of the fear and anger in this moment is fine, and points to "what does not want to be felt == TMS." And there is nothing that needs to be done about it, because Dr. Sarno said that it was the awareness that is enough. And you're aware of certain specific hells right now.

And I think being yourself helps treat TMS. Which you are in this post.

This existence is a bear!! I hear you and send you good wishes.

Andy B.

 

[Zade]

Hi Zade,

I appreciate hearing you express your reactivity so clearly. UUUGGHH!

I get that there is a deep need to relieve the pain, followed by a lot of effort, and no clear results or path. You feel frustration that "I'm supposed to do this and that and the other (perfectly) or it won't work." Too much seems to be asked of you, and no amount of effort is solving it for you.

Part of the nightmarish mindf**k that I know is my core belief that I need to do things, or think things, or figure out things in a certain way to be safe. It is probably a nightmare belief (from a helpful survival strategy) from the past as a child when I had so little control. And when reality echos the irreconcilable childhood demands (like investigate "what's wrong" and then think positive (!)), we can really get caught! We probably can't help it, this frustrating little hell vortex.

Perhaps just allowing the awareness of the fear and anger in this moment is fine, and points to "what does not want to be felt == TMS." And there is nothing that needs to be done about it, because Dr. Sarno said that it was the awareness that is enough. And you're aware of certain specific hells right now.

And I think being yourself helps treat TMS. Which you are in this post.

This existence is a bear!! I hear you and send you good wishes.
Andy hello and thank you for your thoughtful response. Part of my reaction is a confusion over the path to healing. I have started to feel uncomfortable with the label TMS and the victimhood that that implies. My goal would be to get rid of it entirely and not think of myself as someone who has TMS. Rooting through past negative experiences seems to me to amplify the negative. I'm fairly sure I understand the mechanisms from childhood that have caused me to suppress emotions and I do believe the pain originates in the brain. So it is very frustrating to be given an exercise of writing about a childhood trauma for example. I very much like Abigail's (can't remember her last name but she had a blog on one of the past few days exercises) advice of connecting to the bodily feelings of emotion.
It resonates with me a lot to not label.I'm also reading Joe Dispen

Andy B.

 

[Zade]

Andy hello and thanks for your post. I 've been writing a response for the last ten minutes at least, and it just disappeared! Perhaps I'll write again tomorrow.