New Program Day 11: Pain Reprocessing

[jdb49]

And knowledge grows those nails back, those teeth back, that tongue back. I am now 9 days out from reading "Healing Back Pain" and I will proudly announce two things: (1) I am doing more than I have since "the great back spasm" of 19 months ago that landed me in the hospital; (2) I'm still in agonizing pain throughout the day but it is undeniably diminishing, and it's actually freaking me out (in a good way).

I read someone else in the forum questioning whether they had TMS because the doctor's reports showed a problem and they couldn't get past the fear of "what if I don't have TMS? What if the reports show the real cause of the pain?" I don't belittle their fear when I say: re-read the book, and ask yourself: if that herniation/bulge/tear/degeneration etc. is causing your pain, how is it that someone else shows a WORSE herniation or tear or bulge or has MORE of them than you do and yet experiences NO pain? Please, I say this as a living witness: the records (MRIs, X-rays, SPECT scans, etc) mean NOTHING if they don't detect cancer, a tumor, or some other serious and obviously non-TMS condition. The report is not SHOWING your pain, it's CAUSING your pain!!! Read that again. Then mentally (or even physically if you have them), throw those damn reports away.

As I sat up for the first time to do my work this week (I work from home) for the first time in 19 months, my back pain almost brought me to tears, it was so bad. But I was NOT afraid. I knew if it got to the point where it could spasm, I would grab the ice or heat pad, take a valium, and wait for the throbbing to subside to breathable levels again. But I only had to do this once on Monday night after sitting on a hard chair for more than half an hour, but the very next night just to spite the pain (KNOWING IT WAS NOT DANGEROUS), I sat on the SAME chair and for a LONGER period to force my brain into learning that it was NOT a dangerous activity. Did it hurt? Sure! It hurt like hell. But A LITTLE LESS! And I have been hurting a little less each day this week (FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 19 MONTHS). Coincidence? Hell no. FEAR is the fuel.

What was missing for me was knowing that it's OKAY to reach for the meds or the pads in times of crisis, but try with all of your might NOT to with the conviction that YOU ARE NOT DOING ANY DAMAGE TO YOUR TISSUES by pushing your body. This is the key. The WORST thing that can happen is you have a temporary crisis (i.e., you have no choice but to lie down or take your meds or whatever alleviates your pain). I feel so connected to this group. Our pain unites us, but unites us in the common mission to BEAT the pain, not simply SHARE the pain. Misery loves company, so be careful not to settle for the pain! Know that the FULL acceptance of TMS (and only the full acceptance) is the key to getting the conscious decision to sink into the unconscious, which is annoyingly slow, but it gets there.

Again, I say this 9 days after reading the book. I don't expect 90% recovery. I expect 101% recovery! And I don't CHOOSE to believe it, I simply BELIEVE IT. That one's worth reading again too.

If you're a God believer, may God bless you. If you're not, may the stars shine upon you. But either way, when it comes to TMS.... BELIEVE!!!!!

 

[jdb49]

Great post joe! Just the reminders I need as I continue, determined to win out over TMS! As you say, BELIEVE! Much thanks and blessings.

 

[Fabi]

Alan
I looooved the exercise. I downloaded it and use it at least twice a day. I need to learn to focus on 1 thing at a time. Pain/anxiety etc vs neutral feelings. Great practice!!! Thank you

 

[joe12stories]

Thanks, jdb49. These are not just empty words. It's easy to say "believe" and try to force yourself. You can't do that (at least, I can't). If it wasn't for the absolute desperation I felt after umpteen doctors, tests, exercises, etc, all to no avail, I probably would not have been so predisposed to believing wholeheartedly in the diagnosis. And sometimes I can't help but wondering - are these people reading the same book I just read? Again, not to belittle anyone's agony. Do not forget - I am agonizing too!

Why do I believe so strongly? Because 1st of all the good doctor absolutely NAILED what no other doctor could nail: a real, believable diagnosis. And if you question that diagnosis because you're still in pain, then you haven't believed in it yet, or the pain wouldn't intimidate you any more. Of course it will torture you! Of course it will agonize you! That's why it's called pain! But scare you or make you despair? HELL NO. NOT ANY MORE.

No more envying others that lead their normal lives (been there done that!). No more waiting for the pain to just magically go away (been there done that too). Know what you're brain is up to (step 1), get busy (step 2), divert your attention to your biggest fears and angers (this for me is the hardest, most counterintuitive and difficult part, especially when it causes anxiety, which in turn ramps up the pain... for now), and (step 3) have faith that the symptoms will melt away by themselves in time.

If you're envious, anxious, despairing, and think it's just not working because you're still in pain, to quote the funny old lady in the commercial about "unfriending" the other old lady: "That's now how it works. That's not how any of this works." ;-)

 

[bman]

I believe Steve Ozanich in the Great Pain Deception talks about how inconsistent symptoms get big time. I feel the same way this week. Did great for 2 days and then I cried yesterday. Funny how we have to take day by day and not commit to anything. I have lower back, hips and feet pain that can severely limit my mobility. But the one thing I am learning to do is spit in the face of fear and move on. Yes I hurt and when it becomes severe enough I will take a pain med, but I will continue to stay active. I am 63 and never knew until this year that I had TMS. I suffered severely from it at age 32 and then again at 42. I struggled and ignored the pain after finding out all tests were normal. The symptoms eventually melted away until 3 years ago when it started again. Working thru this now and understanding what is happening actually gave me psychological relief. Hang in there because it can and will go away....I am living proof.

I have also had TMS for years. Most of the time I have been able to work my way out of it. These symptoms have been with me for 6 months and while my back and neck are much better, my neuropathy keeps hanging on. The biggest problem is that I am rarely pain free with my feet. I manage to deal with it - today I walked 3 miles, worked in the yard for 45 minutes and fixed my gas grill - another 45 minutes. I had pain throughout but I tried to just observe it. It is not easy but I have no choice. My biggest concern is that the rest of the world is barreling ahead - my wife wants to go on vacation, my kids want to get together, I want to be with my granddaughter, and other "fun" things - but the pain is always a constant companion which gets tiring. I was able to "get rid of" the neuropathy twice before in the last 15 years, without using TMS tools; but this time it seems tougher. Nevertheless, I am hopeful "That this too shall pass!"

 

[Kerrj74]

Hello Kerrj74... I was reading your profile and noticed your medical history looks very similar to mine. I had lumbar surgery 22 yrs ago and did well up until a yr ago (though I had several major personal losses and enormous stress running parallel with my onset of pain...)
I also had a physical injury that seemed to trigger the chronic pain I currently have. (hamstring strain.)
It amazes me how many people have been going down the same road as I am. This TMS has such far-reaching consequences... It isolates you unless you are fortunate enough to know someone who's been there themselves. I find this is the only place. My friends (I don't have relatives) don't get it. They just think it's hypochondria or I'm exaggerating what I feel... Then, of course I feel alone and afraid.
I wonder if others feel that way too?I used to be VERY active, worked with kids at the Y, played basketball with them in the gym, ran around on the playground with them, walked endlessly.. My friends nicknamed me "rocket butt" because I never slowed down. That was not quite 3 years ago. What happened?? I didn't think a person could age 10-15 years in less than 3 year's time.

Wow lunarlass66! It is amazing how this all works. I feel like if I had known how decades of my emotions and personality traits would somehow lead to being in chronic pain, I would have been much more conscious of this growing up.

 

[Alan Gordon LCSW]

But most of the time I would say I don't feel fear of my pain. There are defiantly times I do (certain events etc) but most of the time my emotional reaction to my pain is more of an irritable (can I swear?!) "for F's sakes, pain there again", OR if I feel worn down I'll just feel flat: "I'm sick of this". But I don't really identify with feeling fear most of the time.

Even though I don't identify in a major way with fear, is it my irritable or despairing reaction that keeps it going anyway? Is the answer still I must react in a neutral and empowering way to re-wire my brain?

Yes, despairing reactions and frustration and irritation are actually subtle forms of fear.

Let me be a little more specific. Fear is the emotion that comes up when our brains interpret something as dangerous. Fear makes us want to get away from something. Feelings of frustration, irritation, and despair, drive us to want to escape from our current situation.

Although, it may not give you that feeling of panic, any form of resistance or desire to escape from your current situation is form of fear, subtle as it may be.

This is why outcome independence is so helpful - it's really just the ultimate form of non-resistance, accepting what is, and determining your own mood independent of your pain. Outcome independence can free us from fear in both its obvious and subtle forms.

 

[Penny2007]

So, what message do we want to give ourselves instead? That the pain, even if it hurts, even if you don't like it, even if it's frustrating...is safe. It's not confusing. We know exactly what it is. It is our brain misinterpreting something as dangerous. But we know now that you are not actually in danger. The pain cannot harm you. It may hurt, but it cannot harm you. The sensation you are feeling is safe. You are okay. You are safe.

I have a hard time understanding this. I do not think that I fear structural damage. I simply fear being in pain. I don't think the pain can cause me physical harm but it causes me grief and it causes me to suffer because it hurts! So I see the pain as causing harm but not the kind of harm you are referring to

 

[Kerrj74]

I have a hard time understanding this. I do not think that I fear structural damage. I simply fear being in pain. I don't think the pain can cause me physical harm but it causes me grief and it causes me to suffer because it hurts! So I see the pain as causing harm but not the kind of harm you are referring to

Penny2007... that's exactly my biggest struggle with all of this. I feel the same exact way.

 

[nicole3]

Yes, despairing reactions and frustration and irritation are actually subtle forms of fear.

Let me be a little more specific. Fear is the emotion that comes up when our brains interpret something as dangerous. Fear makes us want to get away from something. Feelings of frustration, irritation, and despair, drive us to want to escape from our current situation.

Although, it may not give you that feeling of panic, any form of resistance or desire to escape from your current situation is form of fear, subtle as it may be.

This is why outcome independence is so helpful - it's really just the ultimate form of non-resistance, accepting what is, and determining your own mood independent of your pain. Outcome independence can free us from fear in both its obvious and subtle forms.

Thanks so much Alan. That makes a lot of sense to me now.

I'm sure I stand with others in expressing my heartfelt thanks and appreciation for what you are freely giving on this forum to so many people. Forever grateful

 

[Penny2007]

This is one of the best lessons so far. There is so much great information here that it has put me into a panic that I won't learn it all or I'll miss something. I don't know why I put this pressure on myself which is making me feel overwhelmed. Before this lesson I was feeling quite good and now it is causing me anxiety.

Thoughts?

 

[Kat]

Penny2007... that's exactly my biggest struggle with all of this. I feel the same exact way.

Me too!

 

[nicole3]

I'm not Alan, not a TMS expert, but a "just read the book" guy and would like to take a stab at this question: I think you answered your own question. Your "irritable or despairing reaction" is the same thing as fear because of the word "despair". If you would have said "irritable reaction" I would say, good! Be irritated by it! Scream at it! Be mad at it! But don't despair! Yes, we need neutral and empowering rewiring of the brain, and that begins with believing with no room for doubt that this is TMS and that fibromyalgia is its manifestation, not its cause. (i.e., the TMS led to the fibromyalgia, NOT the other way around). Knowing this and believing it down to your aching bones is what makes the difference.

So, hell yes, be mad at your pain. Talk to it. But don't despair of it. Easier said than done? Tell me about it! I've been in AGONY all week, but a little less each day, and no one on the planet is going to convince me that it's a coincidence.

I sure hope that wasn't a completely useless answer! I just felt compelled to give my 2 cents with this new found energy I have for the first time in 19 months! Apologies if I'm off base and know that at the very least, I'm suffering with you!

Hi Joe12stories-

Thanks SO much for your response. DEFINATLY NOT a completely useless answer!!

I know it's tough right? I saw your post earlier on about your 19 year struggle. I truely hope you, and everyone else here can turn their situation around. Pain is an awful thing to live with day in day. And with the modern medical system failing us it is easy to despair. But I hope no more!

Good luck with your journey Joe12- I wish you pain free days!!

 

[Penny2007]

Me too!

I'm trying to take Christie's advice on how to work on myself (see page 3 of the comments) and am feeling calmer. I started today with the mindfulness meditation she posted from Alan. That really helped slow down my thoughts. I've been working on mindfulness in general and it is very helpful. The key for me is noticing my thoughts without trying to change anything. That really takes the pressure off and is calming. Also labeling your thoughts is useful, again, without judgement, just with a sense of curiosity. i.e. "fear thought", "pressure thought" etc.

 

[Click#7]

I have also had TMS for years. Most of the time I have been able to work my way out of it. These symptoms have been with me for 6 months and while my back and neck are much better, my neuropathy keeps hanging on. The biggest problem is that I am rarely pain free with my feet. I manage to deal with it - today I walked 3 miles, worked in the yard for 45 minutes and fixed my gas grill - another 45 minutes. I had pain throughout but I tried to just observe it. It is not easy but I have no choice. My biggest concern is that the rest of the world is barreling ahead - my wife wants to go on vacation, my kids want to get together, I want to be with my granddaughter, and other "fun" things - but the pain is always a constant companion which gets tiring. I was able to "get rid of" the neuropathy twice before in the last 15 years, without using TMS tools; but this time it seems tougher. Nevertheless, I am hopeful "That this too shall pass!"

I have pain in my feet too...just keep moving. Sooner or later it will melt away. Having a relapse twice with pain in the hips, back and feet for some strange reason the feet pain was the last to leave. I think I would rather have the foot pain. Find yourself some shoes that are soft and feel better while out and about.

 

[bman]

I have pain in my feet too...just keep moving. Sooner or later it will melt away. Having a relapse twice with pain in the hips, back and feet for some strange reason the feet pain was the last to leave. I think I would rather have the foot pain. Find yourself some shoes that are soft and feel better while out and about.

Have had a number of back pains but never hips thank god. I don't like the foot pain because most things I like require me to be on my feet. So far today was a good day - walked for 40 minutes and then walked again locally - had lunch with my wife and kids at a restaurant - there were significant time with little or no pain. I kept repeating to myself that I am safe and loved. I had an emotional discussion with my wife this morning but I tried to actually get in touch with my emotions - had some flareup in symptoms but felt better as the morning progressed. Keep the faith.

 

[NicoleB34]

Hi NicoleB34, I just wanted to say that I have had PN and IC along with low back and neck pain, migraines, and larbral hip tear pain along with IBS, coccyx and sciatica. When my worst PN and IC pain came about 9 years ago, it was hell finding a doctor who knew anything about it. But I finally found someone and she referred me to a physical therapist that did internal work- you probably already know all this, but I would feel terrible if you didnt and I didnt share- The best part was she had a biofeedback machine to use internally and I could actually watch on this monitor when my muscles were relaxing. Initially, I had no clue that all my internal muscles were clenched, just like I bascially never felt my leg or back or neck or butt muscles tighten- but I found out thats because I have them tightened all the time and it was really hard to tune in to try to feel muscles inside your pelvis, but it got a little easier as time went on and I was able to do it a little bit and I really feel that the internal PT and biofeedback machine was very helpful although I hated all of it and was happy when it ended lol- but I believe that was my first experience trying to feel into my body.-

yes, i do see a PT who seems pretty knowledgeable (she believes in TMS too). So far, she hasnt made me much better, however, she's definitly keeping me from getting worse. I find that my pelvic muscles form knots (new ones every week!) and wind tighter and tighter every day until i see her. She releases it all, but it's so temporary and keeps coming back. My IC shifted into my pudendal nerve (it was like my bladder shut off, and the PN turned on) during a medical procedure. My brain couldnt feel/handle both sensations so it only focused on one. THat's what i started to get the hint that maybe this something more than pure physical. Like you, i feel like i'm always in a "kegal". I catch myself doing it constantly and make an effort to relax it. Ten min later, i'm doing it again. It's like the tight guarding has become my "default" over so many years. I do have issue with my obturator though, and apparently that's a muscle you cant voluntarily control.

 

[itmsw]

yes, i do see a PT who seems pretty knowledgeable (she believes in TMS too). So far, she hasnt made me much better, however, she's definitly keeping me from getting worse. I find that my pelvic muscles form knots (new ones every week!) and wind tighter and tighter every day until i see her. She releases it all, but it's so temporary and keeps coming back. My IC shifted into my pudendal nerve (it was like my bladder shut off, and the PN turned on) during a medical procedure. My brain couldnt feel/handle both sensations so it only focused on one. THat's what i started to get the hint that maybe this something more than pure physical. Like you, i feel like i'm always in a "kegal". I catch myself doing it constantly and make an effort to relax it. Ten min later, i'm doing it again. It's like the tight guarding has become my "default" over so many years. I do have issue with my obturator though, and apparently that's a muscle you cant voluntarily control.

Hi NicoleB34- Yes that is exactly what I have as well is are very tight obturator muscles and nerves. It is horrible- so Im so sorry, but Im glad you have a PT. I too experience good things while there and then when leave everything tightens up again. Well Im glad we both found this website and I hope we can get relief!!

 

[BOP]

I wish my iPhone would actually let me download and save this audio vs needing to return to this page each time. It's really great and worth repeating!

 

[Ellen]

I wish my iPhone would actually let me download and save this audio vs needing to return to this page each time. It's really great and worth repeating!

I was able to download the audio on my laptop. I'm not an iPhone user, but I'm able to then transfer audio file to my Android.

That's about the extent of my IT knowledge Someone more knowledgeable may be able to tell you how to do it for iPhone.