Day 10

[Hen]

Yesterday I went for a walk (maybe 15 0r 20 minutes) prior to going to my parents home for the Christmas Holiday. I was really dreading it. The walk HURT! All the way through and it hurt worse than any walk I've done since I have diagnosed myself with TMS. My left hip and leg and even the left side of my low back were throbbing by the time I got back to my house. I tried very hard to not focus on the pain but it was pretty intense. The pain sort of settled down once I stopped walking but I felt the remnants of it the rest of the day and even today.

It made me very discouraged. It seems when my gets worse after exercises or doesn't improve I get very anxious and scared and angry. Gee...sure sounds like TMS traits huh? I am thinking that the anticipation of being around my mother and father increased my anxiety and fear and the pain just came on as a way to add to it. Or maybe it was as distraction? Don't think about the emotional stuff because here is the intense throbbing pain.

It makes me feel hopeless. I read several forum posts last night in an effort to reassure myself that I do have TMS. It seems like its never enough for me. Then I remind myself that my chiropractor discharged me from her care as she said I was doing great and that the ortho doctor suggested/cleared me for PT but he even said "you shouldn't really have this pain because the MRI states the bulge isn't in contact with a nerve". Why am I feeling to scared? Why can't I just believe in this? I know its the truth.

This is sort of how I am in general. I don't have a lot of faith in good things. Dang! I have my work cut out for me huh?

Thanks for reading or listening.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Hen. I think you had bad pain because of anxiety regarding visiting your parents for Christmas. Your medical checkups indicate no structural damage so it just has to be TMS emotions. You just have to believe more that your pain is from TMS. Yes, you have your work cut out for you in believing in TMS but you will get there. I withheld about 10 percent doubting TMS but when I finally decided my severe back pain was from TMS, I healed. I too had issues with my parents which went back to their divorce when I was seven. Journaling helped me to forgive them and my pain went away.

Keep positive. You are going to be free of pain soon. Keep doing the SEProgram.

 

[Hen]

Thanks Walt. Bulging discs were indicated in MRI but that's not what is going on. Plenty of people Have Way Crazier MRIs and they have TMS.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Hen,

I understand the doubts about your diagnosis. They are natural and persistent for most people. Don't let that get you down. Or put more pressure on yourself.

The pain and the fear about symptoms are old habits. Try to see them with understanding and compassion, and that they will drop away in their own time, as the days and weeks go by, engaging the SEP.

Andy B.

 

[Hen]

Thank you Andy! This is encouraging indeed! Feeling better today. TMS sometimes gets overwhelming to me. I'm going to get there. Need to be patient and compassionate with myself. Not something I'm particularly good at. Add another goal to my list!

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Add another goal to my list!

I hope, with respect, you can write this tongue in cheek. It is the endless "self-improvement" project that leads to TMS! How does the Inner Child feel? Good luck in all this, and nice to hear you're feeling better today.

 

[Hen]

Maybe engaging the SEP is a better way to put it. My inner child is still wondering what the hell is going on!

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

hi, Hen and Andy. I believe in self-improvement, and learning about TMS has helped me in that, but I don't even want to be perfect. I am more compassionate with myself but If tried to be as perfect as my dog is, she would probably not recognize me. Or I myself.

But I know what you both mean. It's very important to be patient with and accepting of ourselves.

 

[Laughalot]

Hen - good on you for walking even with the pain! That's the way, uh huh uh huh, I like it

I hope, with respect, you can write this tongue in cheek. It is the endless "self-improvement" project that leads to TMS! How does the Inner Child feel? Good luck in all this, and nice to hear you're feeling better today.

Andy - thank you so much for this! You really rang a bunch of bells for me with this!! I am a notorious list-maker and goal-setter. I'll make myself 20 goals to do, and be convinced that checking them all off is the key to success/happiness. Goal-setting and completion are great and all, but satisfaction rarely joins the party.

Obsessive Goal-setting: a great way to guarantee oneself a ride through Suffering Town.

Compassion isn't a goal we need to have because it's something we can be doing anytime. It's something we can commit to being right now.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

If tried to be as perfect as my dog is, she would probably not recognize me. Or I myself.

I love your sense of humor Walt. I once had a teacher that said: "Thank goodness we have all the same old tiresome personality habits and troubles. Can you imagine waking up with someone else's personalitiy?!" Or the famous quote from where? "No, you won't like Heaven, because it is a place for Saints. With all your habits, it will be quite uncomfortable for you up in Perfect Land!" But I never heard anyone say that if they got really perfect their dog would not recognize them.

I think as we get older, we don't really care as much about perfection, and that is helpful. We understand just being alive is a precious gift, and I often get that perception from you. Here is a Buddhist saint's reflection:

“Since everything is but an apparition, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter.” Longchenpa

Thanks for your sense of humor!!

Andy B.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Goal-setting and completion are great and all, but satisfaction rarely joins the party.

Hi Laughalot,
I think this is a great quote. I think that so much of my "being behind, fixing, getting better, doing more" is based on persistent anxiety about survival. Yet without satisfaction, there is no compelling reason to live. When I am not satisfied, in the moment, that is a reminder to inquire into what kind of old patterns I am acting out in myself! If I can wake up for a moment, I might then orient to what brings me pleasure and satisfaction. I think satisfaction is closer than we think, yet it is far away from "perfectionism."
Andy B.

 

[Laughalot]

Great words, Andy! For some reason I'm reminded of the Dude from the Big Lebowski.

Ultimately I find that my struggle for perfection comes from wanting to be "good enough" to be worthy of satisfaction. My concern then is with being enough for love. But love is always abounding and ready, it doesn't need anything to be filled up first.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

My concern then is with being enough for love. But love is always abounding and ready, it doesn't need anything to be filled up first.

Yes, I think that at the bottom of all the compulsions and fears we do it for survival and love, that is why the Jesus quote about the "lilies of the field" was needed, and remembered. To help remind us that all is OK and taken care of. Because we typically don't feel that way!

Even though we might have had an experience at another time, to actually be in that state of trust and love, and therefore safety, is what is missing for most of us moment-to-moment. So if we are not in contact with this Goodness, we are always unsure and trying to get "it." I wish you and me the best in resting in Love... as you suggest, it doesn't need anything!

 

[Hen]

Hen - good on you for walking even with the pain! That's the way, uh huh uh huh, I like it



Andy - thank you so much for this! You really rang a bunch of bells for me with this!! I am a notorious list-maker and goal-setter. I'll make myself 20 goals to do, and be convinced that checking them all off is the key to success/happiness. Goal-setting and completion are great and all, but satisfaction rarely joins the party.

Obsessive Goal-setting: a great way to guarantee oneself a ride through Suffering Town.

Compassion isn't a goal we need to have because it's something we can be doing anytime. It's something we can commit to being right now.

Just saw your reply! Thanks for the KC reference. Humor helps!