Margot!!
Peer Supporter
I took some time to think back on when all the pain started, what was going on in my life, what stressors were present.
I was going through a big transition, moving from my 1st job in the mental health field. In the days leading up to my departure I felt as though my contribution did not make a lasting impact, I was left out of some celebration activities and the feeling of being forgotten or ignored was visceral. I had dedicated 5 years to that organization; my heart and soul went into making the lives of children better. I know I contributed to some aspects of the program that are still in existence today, but in those last few days I felt forgotten and excluded. I felt like I belonged there, I met so many other humans who were kindred spirts, they became like family. I had alot of resentment about the choices made by leadership to go in a new direction. I felt abandoned. I was also ending a 3-year relationship, and my daughter was struggling with suicidal thoughts. I had injured my knee about 6 mos before, tear in the meniscus. The pain continued and intensified as I moved forward with this transition. At the time, I did not process these feelings or acknowledge the stress I was under, I fell into survival mode. Put your head down and get through. I was acclimating to the new job while the pain continued to get worse, and then I reinjured my knee. The injury kept me from being able to perform the full duties of the position and my daughter's mental health continued to decline. I went on pain management in a desperate attempt hold it all together, but that only worked for so long. 6 mos in the new role and I was fired for absences. I was so ashamed and felt like I was a failure. I was a single mom receiving no child support and I ended up having to go back on welfare, which meant participating in volunteer and work activities within the welfare system. The welfare/job coach staff had no idea what to do with me, I had a master's degree and I could have taught the classes on excel and word, but here I was back to square one. Struggling all those years to obtain an advanced degree as a single mom only to end up back on welfare. So embarrassed and ashamed. In hindsight, leaving that job was a blessing in disguise and started me on a much better path. However, That was one of my lowest points. Year after year the knee pain continued and morphed into low back and hip pain. No structural issues. My doctor told me to lose weight. So, I lost weight and still knee, hip back pain persisted. My doctor said quit smoking, so I quit, still the pain continued. I made the decision to stop pain management and started to look at my lifestyle instead. Changed how I eat, I increased my activity, yoga 5 days a week and I ended up making the decision to leave direct care because of stress and compassion fatigue. I started focusing on system level work. The pain was reduced, but I still had pain. 2019 I was dx w fibromyalgia, 2023 I had my first "flareup" and it scared the hell out of me. I think that's when the fear of pain started. I had a couple other really awful work experiences as the symptoms increased. I can see how this experience is related to my core issues from childhood trauma, Anger and resentment, people pleasing, ignoring my emotions in favor of other people, betraying myself to keep relationships, all while listening to the traumatic experiences of the kiddos I worked with. With in the TMS context, It makes sense now.
Think of a person in your life from whom you hide your emotions. What is preventing you from telling this person how you feel? This is my partner. We have been together for 12 years. Early in our relationship, I was the strong one and he was the one who was emotional often oversharing. He struggled with alcoholism and self esteem issues from his childhood trauma. The first time he saw me emotional, he didn't know what to do. He was a deer in the headlights. It was clear he couldn't handle it, much like my mother couldn't handle my emotions. So, I withheld for a long time, only sharing when I couldn't hold it in anymore. That never went great btw. Over time we did our individual work, he quit drinking and as a couple we identified this dynamic. He understands that while I need to tell him what's going on internally, he needs to be able to tolerate my emotionality. We are working on breaking the patterns from childhood that set up this dynamic in each of us. We have really come a long way. He is able to sit with my emotions when I express them now. I have been working to be more open about my feelings and alot of that has to do with the work I have been doing here. Much like the fear of pain, I still carry a fear of abandonment related to sharing how I feel with him, My INNER little girl still feels like her emotions are too big somedays. All a work in progress. Its really hard to tell him things sometimes, not because of who he is, but what he represents. He triggers my mom issues! The fear of abandonment again. Working to reprogram that too, and it takes time. I know alot of the trauma I lived through was relational, so it is so good to have someone who can work through it with me. Grateful to have a dedicated partner willing to look at his own stuff. Some of my triggers- Fear of Judgment, fear of abandonment and fear of embarrassment. Writing an unsent letter to my body later today .
I was going through a big transition, moving from my 1st job in the mental health field. In the days leading up to my departure I felt as though my contribution did not make a lasting impact, I was left out of some celebration activities and the feeling of being forgotten or ignored was visceral. I had dedicated 5 years to that organization; my heart and soul went into making the lives of children better. I know I contributed to some aspects of the program that are still in existence today, but in those last few days I felt forgotten and excluded. I felt like I belonged there, I met so many other humans who were kindred spirts, they became like family. I had alot of resentment about the choices made by leadership to go in a new direction. I felt abandoned. I was also ending a 3-year relationship, and my daughter was struggling with suicidal thoughts. I had injured my knee about 6 mos before, tear in the meniscus. The pain continued and intensified as I moved forward with this transition. At the time, I did not process these feelings or acknowledge the stress I was under, I fell into survival mode. Put your head down and get through. I was acclimating to the new job while the pain continued to get worse, and then I reinjured my knee. The injury kept me from being able to perform the full duties of the position and my daughter's mental health continued to decline. I went on pain management in a desperate attempt hold it all together, but that only worked for so long. 6 mos in the new role and I was fired for absences. I was so ashamed and felt like I was a failure. I was a single mom receiving no child support and I ended up having to go back on welfare, which meant participating in volunteer and work activities within the welfare system. The welfare/job coach staff had no idea what to do with me, I had a master's degree and I could have taught the classes on excel and word, but here I was back to square one. Struggling all those years to obtain an advanced degree as a single mom only to end up back on welfare. So embarrassed and ashamed. In hindsight, leaving that job was a blessing in disguise and started me on a much better path. However, That was one of my lowest points. Year after year the knee pain continued and morphed into low back and hip pain. No structural issues. My doctor told me to lose weight. So, I lost weight and still knee, hip back pain persisted. My doctor said quit smoking, so I quit, still the pain continued. I made the decision to stop pain management and started to look at my lifestyle instead. Changed how I eat, I increased my activity, yoga 5 days a week and I ended up making the decision to leave direct care because of stress and compassion fatigue. I started focusing on system level work. The pain was reduced, but I still had pain. 2019 I was dx w fibromyalgia, 2023 I had my first "flareup" and it scared the hell out of me. I think that's when the fear of pain started. I had a couple other really awful work experiences as the symptoms increased. I can see how this experience is related to my core issues from childhood trauma, Anger and resentment, people pleasing, ignoring my emotions in favor of other people, betraying myself to keep relationships, all while listening to the traumatic experiences of the kiddos I worked with. With in the TMS context, It makes sense now.
Think of a person in your life from whom you hide your emotions. What is preventing you from telling this person how you feel? This is my partner. We have been together for 12 years. Early in our relationship, I was the strong one and he was the one who was emotional often oversharing. He struggled with alcoholism and self esteem issues from his childhood trauma. The first time he saw me emotional, he didn't know what to do. He was a deer in the headlights. It was clear he couldn't handle it, much like my mother couldn't handle my emotions. So, I withheld for a long time, only sharing when I couldn't hold it in anymore. That never went great btw. Over time we did our individual work, he quit drinking and as a couple we identified this dynamic. He understands that while I need to tell him what's going on internally, he needs to be able to tolerate my emotionality. We are working on breaking the patterns from childhood that set up this dynamic in each of us. We have really come a long way. He is able to sit with my emotions when I express them now. I have been working to be more open about my feelings and alot of that has to do with the work I have been doing here. Much like the fear of pain, I still carry a fear of abandonment related to sharing how I feel with him, My INNER little girl still feels like her emotions are too big somedays. All a work in progress. Its really hard to tell him things sometimes, not because of who he is, but what he represents. He triggers my mom issues! The fear of abandonment again. Working to reprogram that too, and it takes time. I know alot of the trauma I lived through was relational, so it is so good to have someone who can work through it with me. Grateful to have a dedicated partner willing to look at his own stuff. Some of my triggers- Fear of Judgment, fear of abandonment and fear of embarrassment. Writing an unsent letter to my body later today .
