Japanchick
New Member
The question to ponder today is about who I might be hiding my emotions from and why. The answer is simple, mostly I hide my emotions from my parents because I really don't believe they care. They are both textbook narcissistic personality disorder and selfish. I was never allowed to express my emotions or anger as a child and that has stayed with me. If anyone fought at home it was always my fault because I said something or did something and I was told to apologize for it and take the blame and responsibility. That's too much for a young child, not even into teenage years to deal with or carry. It was very unfair really. Now I have serious issues with both my parents. It's hard to let go of the hatred I feel towards them for the extreme emotional abuse they inflicted upon me as a child, and still, but I need to move on, I want to move on..Maybe a part of me doesn't though. A part of me, I think, wants to hold on to the grudge and be a victim, but I don't want to let that part of me get control. It's a constant battle. I'm tired.... And I'm getting run down because I'm constantly mentally fatigued. I get colds a lot and I think that's the reason. I have another now...
I think this is a big part of my rage and my TMS. However, I'm also a people pleaser. That probably comes from my childhood too, and of course it's part of my personality, but isn't personality formed? Isn't it learned and conditioned to a certain extent? If I kept my parents, mostly Mother, happy but doing what I'm told, not complaining ever and trying to be overly nice all the time, I denied my own feelings and emotions. I hid them away, they were dangerous to my survival. If I didn't act as I was supposed to (I was there only to serve her), she withheld love and affection. She denied that was even my home by telling me, as young as 5 years old, "This isn't your house, you're only a lodger here". And just imagine telling a very young child repeatedly that they are an "ungrateful little bitch". I still cry sometimes. My father told me that nobody would ever want me the way I was. I remember that as if it was yesterday. Those things left deep scars.. I want to heal them, but I don't know how. I can't ask for love or support from parents, I never could. It's hard to give that to myself, but I'm trying.
Now this niceness affects my everyday life a lot. I know i'm doing it sometimes, sometimes I realise I've done it when it's already done and then I beat myself up over it. I still feel that I should be perfect and then people will love me, on some level. I have to work very hard not to give in to that all the time.
My main TMS allergy symptoms have improved, but my skin is reacting all the time. I get hives, acne, eczema all over, itchy hands and feet, pelvic pain is new and only comes from time to time. It moves around and I can't seem to find the root for this.. It's hard to find.. There is something in there causing this and I can't find it... I can't remember a lot of incidents from childhood though..
I don't remember if my grandfather tried to molest me either. I know he did something to my sister. My mother didn't really keep us away from him even after that though. But he died when I was young, maybe 6 years old. Maybe he never got a chance. I remember him telling me that when I stayed there I would sleep in his bed with him..I was obsessed with sneaking into his and grandmother's room and looking at stuff and being afraid of being caught, just snippets. But I don't remember ever staying there, I remember my siblings having sleep-overs there, but not me. I don't remember any more, and even that much is fuzzy... I don't think I ever slept there.
I think I've hidden a lot of emotions from myself...
I think this is a big part of my rage and my TMS. However, I'm also a people pleaser. That probably comes from my childhood too, and of course it's part of my personality, but isn't personality formed? Isn't it learned and conditioned to a certain extent? If I kept my parents, mostly Mother, happy but doing what I'm told, not complaining ever and trying to be overly nice all the time, I denied my own feelings and emotions. I hid them away, they were dangerous to my survival. If I didn't act as I was supposed to (I was there only to serve her), she withheld love and affection. She denied that was even my home by telling me, as young as 5 years old, "This isn't your house, you're only a lodger here". And just imagine telling a very young child repeatedly that they are an "ungrateful little bitch". I still cry sometimes. My father told me that nobody would ever want me the way I was. I remember that as if it was yesterday. Those things left deep scars.. I want to heal them, but I don't know how. I can't ask for love or support from parents, I never could. It's hard to give that to myself, but I'm trying.
Now this niceness affects my everyday life a lot. I know i'm doing it sometimes, sometimes I realise I've done it when it's already done and then I beat myself up over it. I still feel that I should be perfect and then people will love me, on some level. I have to work very hard not to give in to that all the time.
My main TMS allergy symptoms have improved, but my skin is reacting all the time. I get hives, acne, eczema all over, itchy hands and feet, pelvic pain is new and only comes from time to time. It moves around and I can't seem to find the root for this.. It's hard to find.. There is something in there causing this and I can't find it... I can't remember a lot of incidents from childhood though..
I don't remember if my grandfather tried to molest me either. I know he did something to my sister. My mother didn't really keep us away from him even after that though. But he died when I was young, maybe 6 years old. Maybe he never got a chance. I remember him telling me that when I stayed there I would sleep in his bed with him..I was obsessed with sneaking into his and grandmother's room and looking at stuff and being afraid of being caught, just snippets. But I don't remember ever staying there, I remember my siblings having sleep-overs there, but not me. I don't remember any more, and even that much is fuzzy... I don't think I ever slept there.
I think I've hidden a lot of emotions from myself...
