Day 10 Day 10. Hiding emotions from...

The question to ponder today is about who I might be hiding my emotions from and why. The answer is simple, mostly I hide my emotions from my parents because I really don't believe they care. They are both textbook narcissistic personality disorder and selfish. I was never allowed to express my emotions or anger as a child and that has stayed with me. If anyone fought at home it was always my fault because I said something or did something and I was told to apologize for it and take the blame and responsibility. That's too much for a young child, not even into teenage years to deal with or carry. It was very unfair really. Now I have serious issues with both my parents. It's hard to let go of the hatred I feel towards them for the extreme emotional abuse they inflicted upon me as a child, and still, but I need to move on, I want to move on..Maybe a part of me doesn't though. A part of me, I think, wants to hold on to the grudge and be a victim, but I don't want to let that part of me get control. It's a constant battle. I'm tired.... And I'm getting run down because I'm constantly mentally fatigued. I get colds a lot and I think that's the reason. I have another now...

I think this is a big part of my rage and my TMS. However, I'm also a people pleaser. That probably comes from my childhood too, and of course it's part of my personality, but isn't personality formed? Isn't it learned and conditioned to a certain extent? If I kept my parents, mostly Mother, happy but doing what I'm told, not complaining ever and trying to be overly nice all the time, I denied my own feelings and emotions. I hid them away, they were dangerous to my survival. If I didn't act as I was supposed to (I was there only to serve her), she withheld love and affection. She denied that was even my home by telling me, as young as 5 years old, "This isn't your house, you're only a lodger here". And just imagine telling a very young child repeatedly that they are an "ungrateful little bitch". I still cry sometimes. My father told me that nobody would ever want me the way I was. I remember that as if it was yesterday. Those things left deep scars.. I want to heal them, but I don't know how. I can't ask for love or support from parents, I never could. It's hard to give that to myself, but I'm trying.

Now this niceness affects my everyday life a lot. I know i'm doing it sometimes, sometimes I realise I've done it when it's already done and then I beat myself up over it. I still feel that I should be perfect and then people will love me, on some level. I have to work very hard not to give in to that all the time.

My main TMS allergy symptoms have improved, but my skin is reacting all the time. I get hives, acne, eczema all over, itchy hands and feet, pelvic pain is new and only comes from time to time. It moves around and I can't seem to find the root for this.. It's hard to find.. There is something in there causing this and I can't find it... I can't remember a lot of incidents from childhood though..

I don't remember if my grandfather tried to molest me either. I know he did something to my sister. My mother didn't really keep us away from him even after that though. But he died when I was young, maybe 6 years old. Maybe he never got a chance. I remember him telling me that when I stayed there I would sleep in his bed with him..I was obsessed with sneaking into his and grandmother's room and looking at stuff and being afraid of being caught, just snippets. But I don't remember ever staying there, I remember my siblings having sleep-overs there, but not me. I don't remember any more, and even that much is fuzzy... I don't think I ever slept there.

I think I've hidden a lot of emotions from myself...

 

(((((((((Japanchick))))))))) I'm so sorry for all you've experienced.

I think we're both working on Day 10. There's lots of hard stuff to look at, but we'll get there.

 

I think the eczema/itching is literally 'things getting under our skin'. I was pickled in eczema as a child and it has come back in small spots in my 30 -40s. I also get itching in various places, but Dr can't find any reason for it. I feel that it might be some of our emotions or annoyances, rising up because of the work we're doing and literally getting under our skin. All we can do is try and identify the triggers, and deal with them. Maybe it is also worth trying to 'soothe' the itching. If we identify a trigger - maybe a thought/feeling from childhood that sets us off - or corresponds with a part of the body (ie - feeling slapped in the face by a situation - now getting itchy/rash on face??) We can call out that thought/feeling but maybe put some 'emotional' balm on too. Perhaps try and recognise how awful it was for you as that child and extend the feelings/reaction that would of been better at the time - compassion, reassurance, love - . Could this be a way to go?

 

Dear Japanchick,

Like Forest, I'm really sorry you've been through so much. I don't think you'd find anyone, either on this forum or anywhere else, who would argue that your parents were right to treat you the way they did. (Personally, I'd like to round them up and shoot them.) Of course you're trying to be nice all the time - you are a decent, civilized, sensitive person. And well done for turning out that way with zero parental guidance. You've had to be nice to survive, but if if you're like me, it's a genuine part of your value system too. It's so hard trying to work out boundary issues (I suspect my own skin problems are anger and boundary-related) - when we're "allowed" to stick up for ourselves and when to tread carefully around other people's feelings. I worry about this all the time, and beat myself up a lot for things I've said or done that the other person often hasn't even noticed.

I'm sure that as we learn more about who we are in our own core and how we deserve to be treated ourselves, the balancing act will become easier. Unless you're Jesus or the Dalai Lama, you probably can't be nice to all people at all times, but you can always be nice to yourself. (I should take my own advice!)

Wishing you the best,

Q.