Day 1

[Akasia]

Hi, My name is Akasia. I'm 34 years old and I'm been suffering from pain for the past 13 years. When I was 21 I first noticed this nagging tension pain on the left side of my thoracic spine. I would have to crack it literally once every 15 minutes throughout the day to get some relief. That pain is still there but now my main issues are my sacroiliac joints and my sacrum. When I was 22 it started as an annoying but tolerable jabbing pain located to one specific area in my right sacroiliac joint. Over the course of a few years it was constant and inflammed....it was a constant throbbing, hot, aching pain. So I had a work up and it was determined that I had sacroilitis with degeneration seen on an X-ray in my right sacroiliac joint. After that diagnosis the pain started to get worse. My right and left sacroiliac joints would "go out of place", most often the right side of my pelvis rotates forward and the left side of my pelvis rotates backwards which causes a torsion or twisting in my sacrum and up my lumbar spine. The muscles surrounding my pelvis, groin and low back go into such tremendous spasm that they literally pull my hip joints partially out of the socket and I can be bedridden for up to 1 month until the spasms finally subside. I have ligament laxity so any sort of muscle spasm pulls my joints out of place very easily. For example, once the spasms were so severe in my hip flexors and hip adductors that it literally pulled my hip joint out of the socket and I had to go to the emergency room to have it put back in place. These episodes of intense spasms which cause my pelvis to "go out of place" are becoming more frequent. In the past they would happen maybe 2-3 times a year. In the past 2 years I've had the pain more often than not. I have tried all kinds of massage therapy, physical therapy, energy healing, craniosacral therapy, meditation, going gluten and dairy free, taking all sorts of supplements, homeotherapy, natropathic medicine, acupuncture, chiropractic, prolotherapy which involves approximately 15-20 injections deep down where the ligaments meet the bones in an effort to strengthen the ligaments so that my pelvis and low back won't slip out of place so easily.

There is a part of me that knows that I have TMS but there is a larger part of me that is in strong resistance to this diagnosis. I have many of the personality characteristics, I had a traumatic childhood and several traumatic/stressful events occur over my lifetime, I had an MRI while my pelvic pain was so severe it felt as though my hip was about to dislocate again and the MRI revealed no abnormalities. There have been 3 specific stressful events that precipitated a major exacerbation of my symptoms. Sometimes when I meditate the pain reduces or the spasms reduce somewhat. I constantly think about the pain, is it going to get worse? what if it never goes away and I can't ever walk again? what if I am not able to ever ride my bike, hike, backpack, travel, rock climb, work out ever again? What if I can't go to work this week, how will I pay my bills? What if I become an invalid. What if my husband stops loving me because I'm always in pain and I can't do anything for our relationship or myself. The worry surrounding the pain engulfs me and I'm completely exhausted. I do not feel 34....I feel 84 except I see people in their 80s all of the time that look like they have more energy than me!

I am going to work my way through this program, if I miss a day I'm going to try not to stress over it. When I picture myself living a life without TMS I see myself getting out of bed in the morning feeling energized and excited for what the day has to bring. I see myself traveling again. I see myself working a full work week and not even wondering if I'm going to be able to make it through. I see myself making more friends, getting out more, going to the gym and participating in group exercise classes. I see myself not having to rely on muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatories to get through my day. I see myself going hiking, biking and skiing with my husband. I also see myself getting back into rock climbing and learning how to scuba dive. I see myself being able to sleep throughout the night. I envision a social, relaxed, happier, healthier and more content version of myself. I get sad thinking about all of the opportunities and experiences that I've missed out on over the past 13 years because of this pain.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi. Alasia. I'm glad to meet you, and am sorry for your pains.
You've tried all the usual therapies and nothing has helped, so I believe your symptoms are from TMS,
repressed emotions that may well go back to your childhood. That's where mine were and once I journaled
about them, my severe back pain went away. It did take a few months, until I finally believed 100 percent
that my pain was caused by TMS. I had withheld about 10 percent, but that then went away.

Your strong positive mental health will help you a lot to heal. Keep following the SEP program. It will show you ways to heal.

 

[Akasia]

Thank you Walt! Hearing someone else say that my symptoms are likely from TMS helps me in the process of accepting the diagnosis. I am having a major flare-up right now where the muscles are so spastic that it's pulling my right hip joint out of place....I can't put any weight on my right leg at all. I've been trying very hard not to focus on it but i'm afraid it's defeating me at the present moment. I'm going to do some journaling and meditation and try not to worry how long this will last.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

You're doing the right things by journaling and meditating on your TMS repressed emotions, personality traits,
and the difficult things going on in your life. I hope you can find ways to stop worrying and what we call
"catastophizing," thinking the worst. That means you are living in the future, but we really don't know what the future will bring.
Most often, nothing turns out as bad as we think.

Try to be as cheerful as you can be, for your own mental good health, and to show your husband you are confident you are going to heal.

Medical exams including an MRI haven't found anything structurally wrong with you, so you can be thankful for that.
But they can be worrisome and you need to believe 100 percent that your pain is from TMS repressed emotions and
your personality traits (they're okay and mean you're a good and nice person, you just have to go easier on yourself).

Stick with the Structured Education Program. It will guide you to the steps to take to heal, which you will. Just believe.

 

[blake]

Hi Akasia,
Welcome to the forum. You'll find plenty of helpful, compassionate people here. I know I have.
A few short months ago, I was pretty much in your shoes. Over 5 years of chronic neck pain with absolutely no relief from physical therapy, osteo, medication, yoga, and the list goes on. I had to cut my work hours, stopped doing karate and going to the gym, I thought and worried about the pain every day and I had become very isolated.

I did the SEP program. Took my time with it. I journaled a lot and find it so helpful. I couldn't believe how much emotional stuff was buried down there! Although I finished the program, I still do journaling and exercises to identify and connect with repressed emotions. I find that really helpful. Although I still experience some pain, the great news is that I'm working full time again, I go to the gym three times a week to do spin class and the pain is no longer the driving force of my existence. Plus, let's just say that the TMS pretty much forced me to work on myself, so now I'm feeling happier and generally better about myself. Another one of my goals I'm working on is making more friends. That's only at the beginning stages, but I'm feeling hopeful.

Like Walt says, keep up with the Structured program. I has worked for so many of us!
All the best!