Day 1 Day 1

Hi. I have been on here before, have posted a few times, and have read MANY personal stories of pain, fear, and wonderful stories of hope and healing! I have decided to start the SEP program, mainly because I know that true healing can be found here, and so many of Alan Gordon's posts seem to hit home for me. I am working through Dr. Schubiner's Unlearn Your Pain book slowly. I have also read Dr. Sarno's book The Mindbody Prescription several months ago. At the time, I thought TMS was a possible diagnosis for me, but I was not ready to accept. Am I ready now? I'm probably not at the 100% yet...more like 95%. I have all of the people pleasing, goodist qualities that are often found in people with TMS. Since moving to northern VA almost 6 years ago, my stress has gradually increased. Last year it seems like the "perfect storm" brought everything to a head. I had just come off an extremely successful school year with my son--working with him many late hours to help him understand/complete his homework. I had worked my first year as a teacher's assistant (though I have no education in teaching)... I found this very stressful since my main responsibility was to help children who needed remediation help. I felt personally responsible for their success or failures. My husband was traveling a lot with work. The husband of a friend of mine passed away from cancer...really hit me hard. They also had two fairly young sons. Finally, I was diagnosed with basal cell cancer on my forehead...not good for someone who has always had major health anxiety.

My TMS started with this "perfect storm" of anxiety, which caused severe TMJ pain. I saw three different doctors. They couldn't explain what the swollen knots were in my neck. We thought for weeks they were swollen lymph nodes. Finally, a PT said they were large knots from my TMJ. I started having period of dizziness, light tingling in my hands/feet, blurry vision. All of my research online (BAD...I should have never researched online!!), lead me to fear MS. We have a friend with MS who is severely handicap and is often in pain. I was petrified. I went back to the doctor, was told I have anxiety and if I had MS, I would "only have pain in my right side." Well, guess what...within a week or two...I had pain in my right arm and leg! Within this time, I had also had a brain MRI after going to the ER from a reaction to the anxiety meds. With all of my symptoms and now an MRI that showed lesions...I was told I probably had MS. My anxiety went off the richter scale. In the weeks and months ahead, I had several tests and saw two different neurologists. All of the tests came back negative for MS, and one neuro said that I do not have MS. The other said...I might. All I had to hear was "might" and I was consumed with fear. MS is very difficult to diagnose, and unfortunately brain lesions are a main indicator.

I lived in constant fear until Feb/March of this year when I finally started taking a couple of anxiety meds that I didn't have a reaction to. I started to feel a little of my old self back. At this point all of my symptoms were gone except pain in my upper right calf. Ironically, I had knee surgery as a teen on my right knee...this kind of goes along with how Dr. Sarno says the body knows where to create the pain (a familiar place).

As of today, I still have this pain on a daily basis. I say I believe 95% in this diagnosis, but I know deep down, I am hoping and praying that my appt at the end of Sept with a MS specialist will put my fears of MS to rest. I feel so strongly about this TMS, that I don't want to wait another day to put off healing. I would love nothing more than to go to that appt in Sept and say I am symptom free!

 

SSG sounds to me like you are going to be fine, I'm sure you have heard that many times by now and you are still going to worry but you had a Dr. say that the test have already came back negative, that should be your indicator to think alls well, you are keeping the pain in your leg from your stress and worries about your fear of a future diagnosis of MS. If you fear then the body will keep you in pain, it's your bodies way of saying stop fearing, that part is up to you.
Do you have a higher power that you can hand these worries over too? Let me know, bless you.

 

Thank you Eric (or do you prefer Herbie?). Yes, I am a Christian. I try regularly to give this over to God. I know he is there, and can work this for my good...it's been tough though. I grew up with a strict Christian upbringing. Several years ago through a tough time in my marriage, I experienced how personal God is, how forgiving, and how he just wants me to know him. I learned that my relationship with him was not contingent on what I did. I find that I have struggled with that this year. I have wanted healing so badly that I have tried "checking all my boxes"...disregarding his grace. It sounds like you have a strong faith?

As far as my fear goes...yes, I am afraid. My one doctor said he thought I have a 10% chance of having this disease. It is very difficult to diagnose-some people it can take years. In our litigious society, many doctors are afraid to say no for certain. It makes it difficult for me to move on. I am learning about my fear, and how my outcome dependence is so strong...so I'm working on it.

Thanks for your response!

 

SSG, shame on that doctor for worrying you, planting the 10 percent chance of having any cancer.
Some doctors ought to lose their licences for scaring people. It did no good, just harm to you.

I hope you can disregard that negative doctor and spend the time and energy more with God.

I've been finding it spiritually beneficial saying the rosary every day. It's like meditation,
meditating on the Jesus mysteries. I also have been asking Our Lady for financial help and
she has answered!

You've been under a lot of pressure and stress. It's great to believe 95 percent that your symptoms
are from TMS, and you can and will heal mostly that way. But for complete relief, work on that
remaining 5 percent. Dr. Sarno says that's what it takes.

I'd believe him rather than that nay-saying doctor.

Good luck keep us all posted.

You may now know it, but Herbie (Eric Watson) and I wrote a book together,
GOD DOES NOT WANT YOU TO BE IN PAIN.
It was published a few months ago and is available in paperback
at wwwamazon.com and also in a Kindle edition.

Lots TMS healing techniques in it, and we both emphasize asking God's hep in healing.

 

Thank you, Walt. Yes, it was definitely a blow to my anxiety levels when he said that...followed by the fact that he could never say without doubt that I don't have it. It sent my mind reeling with fear.

My pain has been pretty high today...bummer.

I try to thank and acknowledge God each day for all of my blessings. I know that I'm blessed way passed what most people go through. Unfortunately, this pain and anxiety bring with it a lot of self pity. I'm basically on a roller coaster ride of emotions.

Thanks again for your well wishes. It sounds like you are Catholic? I go to a non-denominational Christian church. I have heard of the rosary, but have never read it. I will have to look in to that book that you and Herbie wrote. I feel comforted knowing that people of Christian faith are on this sight. Not to take away from others...just that we have that in common!

I wish you well! God bless!

 

SSG, I know it's hard but at this point giving it over to God and trusting that you will be fine by faith is going to a very powerful element for you.
Once you just hand it to him and let go of the fear, He ( Jesus will take care of that last 5 or 10 percent )
In this matter trusting Jesus to take that fear and help you maintain your courage is so vital. You will win this battle, you are a child of God.
Although a thousand fall at your side and ten thousand at your left side, remember, it will not come near you. Put on the armor and believe your are protected by the shield of faith, you will be fine in Jesus name. Bless you

 

Thank you Herbie. I really appreciate it. I have lately felt a distance from God. Sometimes feeling like he is silent. At first, I threw myself into reading the Bible, praying, praising, etc. Then I felt guilt because I knew that deep down I was doing it for results. Now, I'm trying to humbly come back to him. I'm trying to trust...it has really been a challenge. I know he is good, but I keep finding myself asking why bad things happen to good people. It has been a journey...that's for sure!

 

Remember God is not going to help you by your Righteousness, he is going to help you by your faith. The Bible says if you have faith the size of a mustard seed then you can move mountains, so a little doubt won't hurt. Just trust him, not based on anything we have done right, but by what Jesus has done right ok. The price has been paid, it's all well, bless you