Hello Everyone,
I am just getting started with working on this TMS recovery program. I have experienced pain in my lower back since I was in high school (I am now 32) and has steadily gotten worse to the point that I am almost currently crippled. I now have pain in my upper back as well that spreads down into my hands, including numbness and terrible, shocking nerve pain. My lower back pain travels all the way down to my feet and is so bad that I can hardly walk at times. I also suffer from migraines periodically. In addition to all of this, I have obsessive-compulsive disorder which is currently very under control, although I believe that some of the personality tendencies that lead to my development of OCD (perfectionistic, very self-critical nature) have lead to the development of TMS. I can see completely logically that my pain is a distraction from the stresses that I have in my life but I know I have some lingering doubts that are preventing me from being able to wholeheartedly accept the diagnosis. OCD is a disease that can be described as an acute problem in dealing with uncertainty and since it is almost impossible to gain complete certainty in anything, I think my OCD has lead me to not be able to completely accept my pain as caused by emotions. It feels so real. I can feel my nerves sending pain into my hands. It feels like the bones in my back are pinching things and grinding against each other. I can feel tendons grinding, so this acceptance has been a real challenge.
I love had work (I work with my body every day and just push though the pain) and feel like I don't even know what my life would look like if I could not do physical work. I think I might just want it to be over. I also worry about the terrible emotional things that might be unearthed if I embark on really focusing on my emotions--Do I secretly hate my family? Do I not love my wife and two little kids? Will going through therapy cause me to leave them? Was I abused as a child and I just cannot remember it? I am truly terrified of the ramifications of the pain, and of confronting what my pain might be disguising.
If anyone has suggestions as I begin, particularly with regard to acceptance of TMS and of my fears for the future, I would be deeply appreciative.
I am just getting started with working on this TMS recovery program. I have experienced pain in my lower back since I was in high school (I am now 32) and has steadily gotten worse to the point that I am almost currently crippled. I now have pain in my upper back as well that spreads down into my hands, including numbness and terrible, shocking nerve pain. My lower back pain travels all the way down to my feet and is so bad that I can hardly walk at times. I also suffer from migraines periodically. In addition to all of this, I have obsessive-compulsive disorder which is currently very under control, although I believe that some of the personality tendencies that lead to my development of OCD (perfectionistic, very self-critical nature) have lead to the development of TMS. I can see completely logically that my pain is a distraction from the stresses that I have in my life but I know I have some lingering doubts that are preventing me from being able to wholeheartedly accept the diagnosis. OCD is a disease that can be described as an acute problem in dealing with uncertainty and since it is almost impossible to gain complete certainty in anything, I think my OCD has lead me to not be able to completely accept my pain as caused by emotions. It feels so real. I can feel my nerves sending pain into my hands. It feels like the bones in my back are pinching things and grinding against each other. I can feel tendons grinding, so this acceptance has been a real challenge.
I love had work (I work with my body every day and just push though the pain) and feel like I don't even know what my life would look like if I could not do physical work. I think I might just want it to be over. I also worry about the terrible emotional things that might be unearthed if I embark on really focusing on my emotions--Do I secretly hate my family? Do I not love my wife and two little kids? Will going through therapy cause me to leave them? Was I abused as a child and I just cannot remember it? I am truly terrified of the ramifications of the pain, and of confronting what my pain might be disguising.
If anyone has suggestions as I begin, particularly with regard to acceptance of TMS and of my fears for the future, I would be deeply appreciative.
