day 1

[karinabrown]

So here it is. I was on the forum for 2 weeks but today i have begunwith the SEP program.
do i believe that i have tsm? that is my big question. I kind of do.. that' not nearly enough
but i decided to start anyway; i am a "i must see a sign first " person...wich is
not so handy with this. What i do know : i recognize a lot and at the same time the thought "this could be me !" scares me too" maybe that makes me a tms-er for sure.

Suffering from footpain 3,5 years and si joint pain and but pain. the but pain and si joint are
gotten a whole lot better. So did the footpain but in a different way : i went from nervepain (was a true hell ) to tendonpain.
Did the orthopedic surgeon, neurologist, psychical therapist, etc etc. ofcourse orthodics
most people here have some thing found on the mri : i did not : nothing on MRI nothing on X-ray
nothing on ultrasound. Some comments on leg length difference : even that was something
they can not agree on.
To be short : i was a mess 3 years ago : terrible pain : now much better..but still not cured
what did i do the last 3 years? : started breathing exercizes, started to study. .wich made me a lot better instead of dealing with my pain and feel depressed all that about that .
When i do feel angry (and i do ! i really feel my emotions) is mainly at the pain : it is robbing me from a whole lot of things that made me happy and i miss them.
did make progress but still are disabled to be true : cannot take a walk, (only minor..not walk my dog normal) cannot drive the car. I get by : but want to do so much more!

4 months ago started to have shoulderpain an sometimes elbow. Back to psysical therapy
for the shoulder ;again progress now..
So it seems i am making progress but never recover fully . do have IBS for 20 years and
had shoulderpain every now and then wich i suspected to be stress related : but was always
manageable.
Until the foot and back problems started (ps : according to doctors : in my case : the never found a relation between back and footpain : that has been my problem : no hernia etc ..did all the test) this has made my life turn 180 degrees. lost my job (wich i loved) so extra pain from that .. lost social life..because i withdraw myself from everything. Can really say that if it wasn't for my great loving husband i would not have made it so far.

Have had anxiety problems in the past and also in the present (from al this disability and pain) and am a worrier by nature. Also peri menopause wich is not helpful but extra stressfull.
so i do fit the profile pretty good. I think if i am capable to confince myself , i maybe have a shot of getting better. the question i ask myself today is : why would my mind try to distract me from my feelings ? does my mind think i cannot handle them ? and why? and then again : i can cry..be angry etc..
seems like i get both? feelings and pain ?

understand that day one is far too soon to get it all ! must learn..so will

hope my English is not too bad (i am from the Netherlands)

thanks
karina

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Karina. Welcome to the TMSWiki community. You have come to the right place to heal. You did great earlier in handling your pain, and tests show nothing structural, so now you have to be confident that your new and old pains are from TMS emotions. The SEProgram will help you to discover what those are. Dr. Sarno says the reason the subconscious sends us pain is as a friend, not an enemy. It sends pain because it wants to help us by learning what emotions we are repressing. He says over the years the anger that creates becomes inner rage. The good thing is, Sarno says we do not have to resolve any issues causing our anger, we just have to discover them. Try not worry. You will heal through TMS knowledge. Keep being as physically active as possible and do deep breathing. Keep positive about healing. And keep posting about your progress.

You live in a beautiful country and your English is fine. I visited Amsterdam years ago in springtime and loved the canals and flower boats, windmills tulip displays.

 

[karinabrown]

thank you Walt..wish i could see your beautiful country maybe one day!
will keep posting and hopefully discover what i need..greetings Karina

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Karina, and Welcome!

Your patterns sure sound like so many other TMS sufferers. Multiple symptoms, changing over time, no medical reasons...

I had terrible foot pain, and here is my story, FWI http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/foot-pain-remarkable-recovery.1988/

Now I might have occasional pain, but it is minor, and I know how to work with it. It does not frighten me any more. So I want you to know this system will work for you. You have suffered a great deal, and you're now embracing the practice that will actually work deeply.

so i do fit the profile pretty good. I think if i am capable to confince myself , i maybe have a shot of getting better. the question i ask myself today is : why would my mind try to distract me from my feelings ? does my mind think i cannot handle them ? and why? and then again : i can cry..be angry etc..
seems like i get both? feelings and pain ?

These are good questions, and this inquiry is important. Try to have a deep confidence that you have TMS, and as you ask yourself these questions, do it with an attitude that you simply want to understand more. No need to root out exact causes, or "figure things out." The inquiry itself, which you are doing, begins to open the mind to the connection between the inner life you discover, and the symptoms.

why would my mind try to distract me from my feelings ? does my mind think i cannot handle them ? and why? and then again : i can cry..be angry etc..
seems like i get both? feelings and pain ?

There is no reason to doubt your TMS diagnosis for these reasons. This is the way we are built. The deep rage, sadness, etc is threatening to our identity, who we take ourselves to be. As well, it seems overwhelming to the nervous system to "directly experience" these deep difficult emotions. So there are "defense mechanisms" or walls that get put up in our awareness, and one of them is pain.

Also, many people have "pain and feelings." Don't let this deter your understanding that you have TMS. Build an evidence sheet to make a careful list of reasons you have TMS.

Good luck in your journey!

Andy B

 

[karinabrown]

Dearr Andy,

Thanks for your reply!
Read your story on your footpain and remembered I already read it two weeks ago :and actually cried.
In fact on my first visit on this wikipage I looked up all the "footstories"
The thing that strikes me the most is when you say " I've got my life back"
that really makes be emotional because last year I sort of decided I had to give up on " getting my life back"
mostly due to therapist who keep pointing the fact to me " you must stop fighting tot get better and start accepting"
At the end I thougth they must be right.

I cannot really image how that would be :to get my life back. really back.
And other thing is : when i read your story : I felt anger (wich is remarkable: mostly feel axiety or sadness about this)
I became angry about the diagnoses part: how can you be diagnosed with tarsal tunnel + plantar v+ etc
is it even possible to have all that at the same time ? when I started with the nervepain in my foot (and I never doubted this was nerve pain)
I first was diagnosed with Mortons Neuroma : just because of the kind of pain. Got a crazy sort of orhodic for that :
wich as I look it now (still have it) is no wonder I could not walk on : let alone without pain. But i did trie for 1,5 year! desperado..in the mean time i kept going doctors for answers what was wrong
The test that must confirm that I had mortons neuroma basically is pushing the toes together to bring up the same pain : it did not show that! then mri : nothing!
then the test for tarsal tunnel at the neurologist : 'No" etc etc> Then they thought CRPS: wich was scarry but did not make sense : I did not have the correct symtoms
The only thing I never had strangly is a EMG. Next came rehabilitation specialist : he wanted to put me in a special shoe
for one year. At that point i already lost faith in medical sience because it seems they could not tell me what was wrong
just were guessing. Another year of hubbling around in boot scared me to death. Wich was strange because still could not walk and still desperate.
The doctor made it sound like it was a good answer for me : it would calm the tendons down etc.
I did not do it because I felt like it was wrong ( really don't know why..just my feeling)
In stead of that i tried to wean myself of the orthodics all together ;was not so succesfull : but did make a change
sort of downsizing on the orhodics slowly. When I read your story i think it is so great that you found the strength to not
go for that operation but instead go "your own way" i am doing that right now but i am so scared that i do have
a nerve problem in my foot or somesort of that : but they never found it till today . you said : 14 doctors : well i did not.
i say 4 specialist and 2 doctors and a bunch of psysical therapist : but then again : how much doctors do i need?
My worry is now " all my painproblems come and go..wich makes tms easier to believe but my foot stays there ; less pain sometimes but never gone .if there have been days i could have walked morer it would make more sense.

feels like there is a lot to work on : mostly in terms of getting over fear to move and make decision to
try completely without orhodics and keep going and believing..

Have a question for you : when i had the footpain at first : my foot would hurt always : even when i did not move all day : now that is gone. so pain now when walk + 10 minutes.. that is enormous progress but where to go from here?

thanks so far!
Karina