Day 1+. Starting Over. Scared. (4 Years Hip Pain - 48M)

[Cactusflower]

“Maybe a little. I guess Ive been hard on myself for neglecting my body and resulting in my current situation. And Im always hard on myself for not being as successful as i would like. But mostly I just feel bad for what Ive done to my body.”

This is being really hard on yourself.

“Im struggling. Today was hard.“

This is vulnerability and compassion.

 

[TheJoker3131]

I wish I knew how to do what youre saying. Im trying my best here but I dont know what I am not getting. Or is it that my hips are genuinely so messed up that even the tms aspect of it isnt the main issue? I dont know. Today after walking at famers market for only 15 minutes my legs both shut down to the point of severe pain i almost couldnt get in and out of a picnic bench. this is so bad i feel like crying. im barely functional. no one knows how bad my pain is. i LITERALLY CANT WALK. I dont know what else to do here other than get the MRI done. How can walking for 15 minutes cause your entire legs and hips to shut down??? In what world does that make any sense?

Have you been overly critical of yourself lately? How and why have you done this?
I dont know. Maybe a little. I guess Ive been hard on myself for neglecting my body and resulting in my current situation. And Im always hard on myself for not being as successful as i would like. But mostly I just feel bad for what Ive done to my body. How can I not? Im in severe pain. I cant walk. I cant sleep. I cant exercise. I cant have sex. I cant do anything and Im just dealing with it. Sigh. Im struggling. Today was hard.

What you could do, is get the MRI, and just see a TMS informed doctor to interpret the results. It would probably be worth it before getting surgery if you're considering that which would be its own expense. That would help with the doubt as well, and if it is strictly physical then you'd know that you can trust the tms doctor readings ( which is rare) but things are still possible. Another thought is reading shubiners new book and it talks about how to diagnose yourself with FIT criteria.

 

[BloodMoon]

I looked back at some of your previous posts, @sdiddy, and noticed that you experienced quite a lot of respite from your pain for a couple of months when, among other things, you'd been meditating a little. I appreciate that meditation might not have been the reason for that improvement, but perhaps it's worth revisiting? Five minutes a day is doable, and it might be helpful over time.

Another thing from my mind-body toolkit that made a huge difference to me when I was at my bedridden worst was self-soothing. I'm sharing the video below, which offers 12 different self-soothing techniques you could choose from. (Instead of the yoga suggestion, my own suggestion would be to just keep things small and simple atm, like the self hugging etc.)

I practise self-soothing throughout the day in little ways, such as crossing my hands over each other in my lap or on my chest and gently stroking my wrists with my fingers. I also stroke my face, forehead and cheeks while watching TV. And in the mornings, before I get out of bed, I gently stroke my hips and thighs, my arms, shoulders, upper chest, neck and face.

These little gestures have helped me enormously, particularly when I was struggling with pain and distress. They helped me cope when things felt pretty unbearable, and I don't think we should underestimate the value of such simple acts of kindness towards ourselves.

Self-soothing can be a gentle way of helping ourselves feel calmer and safer, whether our symptoms are entirely mind-body or only partly so. It doesn't have to take much time, and there's no pressure to do it perfectly.

In his book The Mindbody Prescription, Dr Sarno writes:

"Suppose, however, there is another element in the equation; that it is not simply the quantity of rage that brings on symptoms, but the presence or absence of counterbalancing soothing factors … the occurrence of symptoms reflects too much rage and not enough counteracting soothing elements in one’s life."

I'd just like to add that it's often the small things that we and others have been suggesting to you that are worth trying, even if they seem too small to make a difference at first.

In a mind-body/TMS context, pain and discomfort can feel as though they require a sledgehammer approach to overcome. But what I've found, and what others have described too, is that gentleness with ourselves, self-compassion, as @Cactusflower and @Margot!! have already mentioned, and little moments of soothing can be really valuable.

Here's the video, if you'd like to give it a try:

 

[Cactusflower]

Dr. Les Aria has other ways to describe self-soothing and compassion. He's one of my favorite proponents of the mind/body connection blending self compassion, emotional presence and Pain Reprocessing. @BloodMoon mentions doing this in small bites, and Les offers a lot of different techniques to try. My favorite is Leaves Floating On The Stream here's his Youtube channel loaded with freebies!
https://www.youtube.com/@myndfulness/videos

 

[Margot!!]

I need to self sooth often. I have a routine now. When the pain comes, I start with self-soothing, followed by telling myself I am safe,- Havening touch is the method I prefer. Its easy and inconspicuous, so I can do it anywhere. It's simple but effective for me. Simply rub the palms of your hands together, slowly, pay attention to the way your palms feel against each other.
Havening touch helps me calm my nervous system, so I can investigate the pain psychologically. Self-soothing helps me stay out of the pain fear loop. If you google havening touch, you will find an explanation of why and how it works, pretty cool brain science.

I wanted to share that I also had the experience of my legs refusing to work while out on walks. I was shocked to learn that someone else had a similar experience.

Every time I went for a walk, with in 10 to 15 minutes, my quads, hips and groin tightened. It felt like I couldn't control my legs. The muscles just got tighter the more emotional I became and every time it progressed to a place where my legs felt like they were on fire. Horrible searing pain that left me in tears (which I would fight back in public, hate crying in front of people) and I would have to hobble to a place to sit down. The pain didn't stop when I sat down, just continued. I got stuck in the pain fear loop every time. It was awful, horribly painful and so embarrassing. I was very mean to myself when this would happen. Now I know that being mean to myself increases my pain.

When I started this program, I experienced that type of pain daily, multiple times a day. I was at the end of my rope. The solutions my doctor gave me were not acceptable. It was not acceptable to be 52 and crippled by pain. It was a very dark time for me.

I will never be able to understand your pain, or your experience, all I can do is relate. I have to say the way you described it was spot on for me.
If I'm honest, I still fear pain. If my inner thigh starts to tighten, I get anxious that the pain is returning, which makes it worse. Before this program I had no idea that was even possible. I learned to be with the pain instead of in the pain and I learned that when I allowed myself to really cry (ugly cry) pain decreases for me. I rarely cried before, usally held it. When I first started SEP- I cried every day. I had a lot to release.
Last thing I want to say.... I am so sorry for all the emotional pain you lived with in your childhood. I can't imagine the damage a narcissistic psychiatrist can do to a child I gasped when I read that.
Keep going<3

 

[sdiddy]

Dear Ex Wife

I feel so hurt and angry by what you did to me. I gave you 17 years. Pure love and devotion. I was a good man and great husband. Not perfect. I was too soft now I realize. I let you steamroll and bully me and didnt stand up for myself. thats on me. But I was still kind and noble. I never raised my voice at you in 17 years. Never cheated. Never neglected you. Worked hard, two jobs and even cooked dinner every night. Social planning. House cleaning. Grocery shopping. I did it all. and when we had our baby girl, I did everything I could for her too. Diapers and midnight feedings. I was so full of love for you for so many years. All i wanted was to be loved back. When you got rich and "famous" in hollywood you literally became a different person. None of thes words would matter if you read them. you became an emotionless sociopath that liked to hurt people. it made you feel good. its a sickness and sad. But I hate you for what you did, how you treated me, and how you continue to make my life as a single father as difficult as possible. you cant answer a single email without being hostile. NOT FUCKING ONE. I can literally ask you a simple question and all you know is how to be hostile to everyone. worse thing is you justify it. youre the vistim in your life and yet youre the bully. you have costme over $500,000 in legal fees alone. do you know how sad that makes me. how hard i worked to make that money and flushed it down the fucking toilet because of your litigious bullshit. and ALL I want is more time with my lovely daughter. The thing that pisses me off so much is that you didnt even see what a wonderful dad I am. every single one of my friends with children has said at one point to me "youre the dad i want to be". and youre blind to it. I take care of her, protect her. love her endlessly and unconditionally, im patient and gentle with her, put the blanket on her 5x a night when she kicks it off, i cook all her meals with love i make her laugh i listen to her i hear her. and you see none of it. All i want is more time with MY OWN FUCKING DAUGHTER. im so sick of how our society is. some dumb fuck judge is going to determine how much I see my own child????? I fucking hate this world sometimes. you have all the money you can ever awnt so you keep me tied up in court knowing that i cant afford it. every request ive made, all reasonable (like can i have my daughter every other saturday) you say no to and then take me to court if i try to push back. i hate you. i didnt deserve to be treated like this by anyone the least by you.

Think of a person in your life from whom you hide your emotions. What is preventing you from telling this person how you feel?
Probably my Ex. it wouldnt matter. she would actually get joy from hearing my pain. shes sick and sadistic. but a part of me has always just wanted an apology. god what that would do for me. and im sorry for the hurt and pain. im sorry for making you the collateral damage to my own unhealed wounds. but i know that will never come. it never came from my dad to this day and wont from her either. narcissists never see their wrongs.

 

[sdiddy]

I need to self sooth often. I have a routine now. When the pain comes, I start with self-soothing, followed by telling myself I am safe,- Havening touch is the method I prefer. Its easy and inconspicuous, so I can do it anywhere. It's simple but effective for me. Simply rub the palms of your hands together, slowly, pay attention to the way your palms feel against each other.
Havening touch helps me calm my nervous system, so I can investigate the pain psychologically. Self-soothing helps me stay out of the pain fear loop. If you google havening touch, you will find an explanation of why and how it works, pretty cool brain science.

I wanted to share that I also had the experience of my legs refusing to work while out on walks. I was shocked to learn that someone else had a similar experience.

Every time I went for a walk, with in 10 to 15 minutes, my quads, hips and groin tightened. It felt like I couldn't control my legs. The muscles just got tighter the more emotional I became and every time it progressed to a place where my legs felt like they were on fire. Horrible searing pain that left me in tears (which I would fight back in public, hate crying in front of people) and I would have to hobble to a place to sit down. The pain didn't stop when I sat down, just continued. I got stuck in the pain fear loop every time. It was awful, horribly painful and so embarrassing. I was very mean to myself when this would happen. Now I know that being mean to myself increases my pain.

When I started this program, I experienced that type of pain daily, multiple times a day. I was at the end of my rope. The solutions my doctor gave me were not acceptable. It was not acceptable to be 52 and crippled by pain. It was a very dark time for me.

I will never be able to understand your pain, or your experience, all I can do is relate. I have to say the way you described it was spot on for me.
If I'm honest, I still fear pain. If my inner thigh starts to tighten, I get anxious that the pain is returning, which makes it worse. Before this program I had no idea that was even possible. I learned to be with the pain instead of in the pain and I learned that when I allowed myself to really cry (ugly cry) pain decreases for me. I rarely cried before, usally held it. When I first started SEP- I cried every day. I had a lot to release.
Last thing I want to say.... I am so sorry for all the emotional pain you lived with in your childhood. I can't imagine the damage a narcissistic psychiatrist can do to a child I gasped when I read that.
Keep going<3

thank you for the sympathy. and yes my childhood was torture in some ways but in other ways i found joy, like with friends, movies, books, basketball. the best gift I can give to the world is never repeating my dads mistakes on my little girl. shes so joyful and free and safe around me. its my biggest accomplishment.

can you tell me what you did to get your legs back to 100 again? I am really struggling right now and scared for how I will do in japan in december with my daughter when i cant even walk 15 minutes, let alone 20k steps a day.

 

[Margot!!]

thank you for the sympathy. and yes my childhood was torture in some ways but in other ways i found joy, like with friends, movies, books, basketball. the best gift I can give to the world is never repeating my dads mistakes on my little girl. shes so joyful and free and safe around me. its my biggest accomplishment.

can you tell me what you did to get your legs back to 100 again? I am really struggling right now and scared for how I will do in japan in december with my daughter when i cant even walk 15 minutes, let alone 20k steps a day.

I hear you. Truthfully, I am not at 100% yet, still working on the fear and anxiety around the pain. I started small, if my legs revolted at 10 minutes I would shoot for 12 minutes of walking. Be with the pain tell your body you are safe and process the feelings that come up. Maybe thats somewhere to start. Give yourself grace, lots of grace and go slow. I can walk for about 25 minutes with no pain but after that the pain is reduced by atleast 50%.
It feels like there is alot of energy and anxiety around this trip to Japan, maybe some fear, which honestly maybe making the issue with your legs worse. Maybe looking at what it means for you emotionally if you cant walk the 20k steps.

Japan is definitely on my list of places I want to go. Keep going, you are doing great.

 

[sdiddy]

When I was 35 years old my sister passed away. I FEEL this way about it:
Kind of numb. Like I put that time in my life, those feelngs, memories, anger, resentment, etc in a box and shut it forever. I moved on with my life. I had to. What else could I do? My whole world came crashing down around that time in my life. marriage was failing, crying every night, father was abusing me psychologically, and we had just had a baby. This is really painful to talk about because honestly I dont want to unearth the memories. Life feels so unfair sometimes. I remember flying back to ohio. my sister was in a sort of induced coma. i was so fuckign confused about what was happening. we had family at the hospital from all over. my daughter was barely one, waddling around and entertaining all of our family in the waiting rooms. the uncles and aunties were havign serious discussions and crying. i felt so fucking alone. my own wife seemed so completely disengaged. She lacked empathy. classic narcissist. I felt alone, scared, confused. Why the fuck is this happening to me? I had anger to my father for what he did to my sister. and yet i felt bad for my parents too. to lose a child. i cant imagine the pain. it breaks my heart to even think about. but yet my dad is in large part to blame in my mind. he started her on psychoactive drugs from a way too young age. and it snowballed over the years into dependency and other drugs from her. she didnt deserve this. she was a kind soul. just lost and needing some guidance and love. i had anger to her as well. i was mad at her for the drugs, obesity, laziness, horrible life choices. but now that i think about it, she cant be solely to blame. she didnt have the support she needed. i was busy with my life, school in boston, moving to LA. and she probably had no one because my dad sure as fuck wasnt there for her. My life has been so fucking hard. so much pain. sometimes i jsut want to scream. why do bad things happen to good people? And yet if you met me today you wouldnt feel any of this pain. youd see a smiling hilarious father to a wonderful best friend daughter. I write comedy movies and childrens books. maybe in large part because they bring me and others the joy that i felt was missing from my life. but inside, deep down, sure theres pain. a lot of it. and in my body, my hips and back, there is pain. a lot of it. I wish I had more support. I wish I had a partner, a wife again. I feel stupid for breaking up with my last gf. she wasnt perfect but she was a good woman. she cared for me. that feels rare these days. anyways, i guess of course i miss my sister. i wish she was around to see me and my daughter and experience us. she loved my daughter before she passed, she got such joy from her. and she loved that i started writing books. she was a big reader. id like to think life would have brought us closer together as we got older and I matured. its not fair that she was taken from me. watching them flip the switch on the cremation machine with all of us standing around and then my dad finally started to show some sorrow and panic was one of the most painful things ive ever witnessed. no one should have to go through that for a sibling or child. fuck.

When was the last time you exercised? Do you have any apprehension about exercising or engaging in physical activity?
Ive been lifting (upper body mostly) a few days a week and little hot yoga as wel. But actually exercised my lower body...its been about 4 months. at that time I was doing orange theory, so powerwalking on incline treadmill and some weights, squats etc. but after only 2 months of orange theory i began to have a knee pain (the back of the knee mostly) that was so bad i had to pause my account and quit. since then walking has become so painful I can barely even do it for 10 minutes. I dont knwo what happened. the doctors say probably stenosis. but i dont know. because how was I ok enough to start orange theory 6 months ago? I was doing really good around then but i cant figure out why. is it really possible something physically happened to me since then? i guess theoretically sure. maybe doing certain things like deadlifts caused some issues with my already partially herniated L3 and L4? I dont know. maybe its just tms. but that doesnt seem plausible either. I have a lot of apprehension about physical activity because it hurts. it hurts a lot. im limping around in pain.

 

[Margot!!]

I used to be very active, hip hop dance classes, yoga, hitt workouts, hours at the gym. About 3 years ago, after an intense work out I experienced a level of muscle soreness that was beyond anything I had experienced before. It was awful and scared the crap out of me. Took a week to recover. I thought it was a Flook, so I carried on and again the muscle soreness was beyond. It only got worse from there, but it was out of nowhere. I stopped working out. The leg pain came next, then walking was almost impossible. Its awful.

Have you tried less intense exercises? I know you said you did hot Yoga, but that is pretty intense for a nervous system. How about Taichi, chair exercises, yin yoga, or gentle yoga?
I also wonder if it might be helpful for you to look into a TMS/MBS doctor for consult. Seems there is alot of doubt around what the cause of the pain and it's hard to know what to do if you can't be sure its TMS or an actual structural issue. Just a thought!
So glad you came back, keep going

 

[sdiddy]

I used to be very active, hip hop dance classes, yoga, hitt workouts, hours at the gym. About 3 years ago, after an intense work out I experienced a level of muscle soreness that was beyond anything I had experienced before. It was awful and scared the crap out of me. Took a week to recover. I thought it was a Flook, so I carried on and again the muscle soreness was beyond. It only got worse from there, but it was out of nowhere. I stopped working out. The leg pain came next, then walking was almost impossible. Its awful.

Have you tried less intense exercises? I know you said you did hot Yoga, but that is pretty intense for a nervous system. How about Taichi, chair exercises, yin yoga, or gentle yoga?
I also wonder if it might be helpful for you to look into a TMS/MBS doctor for consult. Seems there is alot of doubt around what the cause of the pain and it's hard to know what to do if you can't be sure its TMS or an actual structural issue. Just a thought!
So glad you came back, keep going

I dont know of any in LA other than dr schecter and my experience with him has only been so so. you have to pay out of pocket like $200 and get 15 minutes of time and it just doesnt seem that comprehensive. Id love to meet someone else. Any recommendations on how to find one?

as for exercises the hot yoga i do is yin, its extremely gentle its basically just stretching. and i lift weights for upper body in the gym a few times a week. other than that i cant even walk right now for more than 15 minutes without pain. I need help. Not sure what to do.

 

[sdiddy]

I am a perfectionist, and have extreme anxiety and fear, and it affects me in a lot of ways. I try to do everything perfect. I feel like I am being judged on the things I create, make, earn, my home, my body, my hair, my appearance, etc. I feel constantly burdened by worrying about external perception of me. I feel insecure all the time. Im better than I used to be, Ive done a lot of work on this. But its still a factor in my life. even the girl I date has to be beautiful or I feel judged. I feel as if I dont have all my shit together then people will think im a failure or not see the special person that I am. So i try so incredibly hard to prove myself to everyone in every way. Part of me doesnt even hate this about myself. Part of me appreciates that I am ambitious and work hard and achieve great things because of the motivation. Another part of me is so tired of having to always over achieve. Its a struggle at times. But I also wouldnt want to be mediocre or a failure. I want to be a winner. I want to be the best dad, friend, partner, creator, and more. I want to know that my life was used well and I squeezed all my potential out during my time here.

I live in constant fear. Fear of my health, death, fear of my ex wife, fear of anythin bad happening to my sweet little girl, fear of losing my mom, fear of being alone, fear of being broke, fear of the future. I always imagine worse case scenarios. I dont know how to stop. I want to stop. But my life has been hard and so picturing these things feels liek it helps me to prepare for them. BUt it also causes a lot of anxiety. My ex wife is literally a narcissistic abuser. I cant tell you the things she has put me through, the pain, the torture. And she waits everyday looking for a new opportunity to do more, like voldemort. So of course I live in fear. She knows that she has access to the single most important thing in my entire life, the thing I would fight to the death for, my daughter. And she exploits that. She is a truly evil sick demented human being. Wouldnt you live in fear too??? She has milions of dollars and takes me to court anytime she doesnt get what she wants. Like last year she tried to force our daughter to have weekly allergy injections when she clearly didnt need them, I said absolutely not, the doctor didnt even recommend them but she twisted the doctors words, coerced his office to even put it in writing that shots is an option and when i said no she took me to court. $30,000 later, GONE from my bank account, I won the court case. No shots. You think my ex cares? NO. Shes happy that I spent 30k. she still won. I dont have money to blow like that. Imagine what this stress can do to you. I fucking HATE HER. And I dont hate almost anyone. I wish someone could help me, tell me how to work on this.

Stress scale

Divorce

73

Dismissal from work

47

Sexual difficulties

39

Change to different line of work

36

Total 195
But this doesnt also include other things like a breakup from a girlfriend, injuries, and more.

What is one of your best memories from your childhood?
Probably my time with friends. Ordering pizza hut, getting a movie from blockbuster, getting sour candy, and just hanging in the basement and watching and talking and laughing. It was definteily my reprieve from my dad and all the stress. I miss that feeling of carefree. The only time I get that these days is when im with my daughter, and its amazing but its often tainted by my pain and inability to walk and do anything with her that I want. I want so bad to play golf, basketball, pickleball with her. But Im scared. Im in pain.

 

[Margot!!]

I dont know of any in LA other than dr schecter and my experience with him has only been so so. you have to pay out of pocket like $200 and get 15 minutes of time and it just doesnt seem that comprehensive. Id love to meet someone else. Any recommendations on how to find one?

as for exercises the hot yoga i do is yin, its extremely gentle its basically just stretching. and i lift weights for upper body in the gym a few times a week. other than that i cant even walk right now for more than 15 minutes without pain. I need help. Not sure what to do.

I am not sure how to find other TMS/MBS doctors, maybe a beloved grand eagle may have some suggestions.
great work, keep going <3

 

[Margot!!]

I dont know of any in LA other than dr schecter and my experience with him has only been so so. you have to pay out of pocket like $200 and get 15 minutes of time and it just doesnt seem that comprehensive. Id love to meet someone else. Any recommendations on how to find one?

as for exercises the hot yoga i do is yin, its extremely gentle its basically just stretching. and i lift weights for upper body in the gym a few times a week. other than that i cant even walk right now for more than 15 minutes without pain. I need help. Not sure what to do.

Find a TMS Doctor or Therapist

www.tmswiki.org

 

[Cactusflower]

Here is a current list of providers that are associated with the Neuroplastic Pain association: https://neuroplastic.org/practitioner-directory/?_location=california&_ptype=licensed-practitioner (Directory of Neuroplastic Symptom Treatment Practitioners)

There are a few TMS doc's who do telehealth. I believe Dr. Brad Fantisil is in Colorado and is a medical Doctor and TMS specialist, Dr. Stracks with Comendi Health. Dr. Les Aria and Dr. Handscom are both in the Pacific North West and I think both do consultations. I believe that Dr. Schecter is the only TMS specialized doctor in Los Angeles though. The list above lists one or two others in CA.

 

[sdiddy]

thanks all I will check it out and see if I can find some help

Day 13.

Dear God I feel the following I stopped believing in you. When my sister passed away. And my best friend lost his dad that year. And my wife had turned into a full blown abusive narcissist. And my dad was turning on me. All at once. I didnt deserve these things. I was a good son, good husband, good friend. My sister didnt deserve that. Neither did I. so i stopped believing in you. i stopped praying. there is no god because what god would allow this? and when my marriage got worse and worse i had no one and nothing left i prayed again because i was desperate. i cried and prayed every night. and what happeed? nothing. no one came. nothing changed. no one helped. i was left alone to figure it out. and it was AWFUL. I lost people. my own dad turned on me. my ex even manipulated my mom. i had no one. and had to find the strength to do it on my own. moved out. started a new life. constantly in court because of that psychopath. where were you? where were you my whole life. when my dad abused us. when my ex wife abused me. when my sister needed you. when my mom needed you. where are you now? i want so bad to believe in you. i want so bad to know im being looked after. i want SO BAD to know ill be ok. but no one has ever showed up for me. so how can i??? i had to do it all on my own. ive been such a good person my whole life. and such a loving and kind father to this little girl now. I just want to scream "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HELP ME? FOR FUCKS SAKE I NEED SOME SUPPORT. SOME HELP. AT THE VERY LEAST HELP WITH MY PAIN. HELP ME GET A JOB. HELP ME WITH MY PSYCHOTIC EX WIFE. HELP MY MOM. HELP MY DAUGHTER. FOR FUCKS SAKE PLEASE HELP IF YOURE THERE." But you dont answer. So i dont know what to think. or if theres any point to beliving or praying. i want to. i just dont know if i can.