Day 1+. Starting Over. Scared. (4 Years Hip Pain - 48M)

[Cactusflower]

“Maybe a little. I guess Ive been hard on myself for neglecting my body and resulting in my current situation. And Im always hard on myself for not being as successful as i would like. But mostly I just feel bad for what Ive done to my body.”

This is being really hard on yourself.

“Im struggling. Today was hard.“

This is vulnerability and compassion.

 

[TheJoker3131]

I wish I knew how to do what youre saying. Im trying my best here but I dont know what I am not getting. Or is it that my hips are genuinely so messed up that even the tms aspect of it isnt the main issue? I dont know. Today after walking at famers market for only 15 minutes my legs both shut down to the point of severe pain i almost couldnt get in and out of a picnic bench. this is so bad i feel like crying. im barely functional. no one knows how bad my pain is. i LITERALLY CANT WALK. I dont know what else to do here other than get the MRI done. How can walking for 15 minutes cause your entire legs and hips to shut down??? In what world does that make any sense?

Have you been overly critical of yourself lately? How and why have you done this?
I dont know. Maybe a little. I guess Ive been hard on myself for neglecting my body and resulting in my current situation. And Im always hard on myself for not being as successful as i would like. But mostly I just feel bad for what Ive done to my body. How can I not? Im in severe pain. I cant walk. I cant sleep. I cant exercise. I cant have sex. I cant do anything and Im just dealing with it. Sigh. Im struggling. Today was hard.

What you could do, is get the MRI, and just see a TMS informed doctor to interpret the results. It would probably be worth it before getting surgery if you're considering that which would be its own expense. That would help with the doubt as well, and if it is strictly physical then you'd know that you can trust the tms doctor readings ( which is rare) but things are still possible. Another thought is reading shubiners new book and it talks about how to diagnose yourself with FIT criteria.

 

[BloodMoon]

I looked back at some of your previous posts, @sdiddy, and noticed that you experienced quite a lot of respite from your pain for a couple of months when, among other things, you'd been meditating a little. I appreciate that meditation might not have been the reason for that improvement, but perhaps it's worth revisiting? Five minutes a day is doable, and it might be helpful over time.

Another thing from my mind-body toolkit that made a huge difference to me when I was at my bedridden worst was self-soothing. I'm sharing the video below, which offers 12 different self-soothing techniques you could choose from. (Instead of the yoga suggestion, my own suggestion would be to just keep things small and simple atm, like the self hugging etc.)

I practise self-soothing throughout the day in little ways, such as crossing my hands over each other in my lap or on my chest and gently stroking my wrists with my fingers. I also stroke my face, forehead and cheeks while watching TV. And in the mornings, before I get out of bed, I gently stroke my hips and thighs, my arms, shoulders, upper chest, neck and face.

These little gestures have helped me enormously, particularly when I was struggling with pain and distress. They helped me cope when things felt pretty unbearable, and I don't think we should underestimate the value of such simple acts of kindness towards ourselves.

Self-soothing can be a gentle way of helping ourselves feel calmer and safer, whether our symptoms are entirely mind-body or only partly so. It doesn't have to take much time, and there's no pressure to do it perfectly.

In his book The Mindbody Prescription, Dr Sarno writes:

"Suppose, however, there is another element in the equation; that it is not simply the quantity of rage that brings on symptoms, but the presence or absence of counterbalancing soothing factors … the occurrence of symptoms reflects too much rage and not enough counteracting soothing elements in one’s life."

I'd just like to add that it's often the small things that we and others have been suggesting to you that are worth trying, even if they seem too small to make a difference at first.

In a mind-body/TMS context, pain and discomfort can feel as though they require a sledgehammer approach to overcome. But what I've found, and what others have described too, is that gentleness with ourselves, self-compassion, as @Cactusflower and @Margot!! have already mentioned, and little moments of soothing can be really valuable.

Here's the video, if you'd like to give it a try:

 

[Cactusflower]

Dr. Les Aria has other ways to describe self-soothing and compassion. He's one of my favorite proponents of the mind/body connection blending self compassion, emotional presence and Pain Reprocessing. @BloodMoon mentions doing this in small bites, and Les offers a lot of different techniques to try. My favorite is Leaves Floating On The Stream here's his Youtube channel loaded with freebies!
https://www.youtube.com/@myndfulness/videos

 

[Margot!!]

I need to self sooth often. I have a routine now. When the pain comes, I start with self-soothing, followed by telling myself I am safe,- Havening touch is the method I prefer. Its easy and inconspicuous, so I can do it anywhere. It's simple but effective for me. Simply rub the palms of your hands together, slowly, pay attention to the way your palms feel against each other.
Havening touch helps me calm my nervous system, so I can investigate the pain psychologically. Self-soothing helps me stay out of the pain fear loop. If you google havening touch, you will find an explanation of why and how it works, pretty cool brain science.

I wanted to share that I also had the experience of my legs refusing to work while out on walks. I was shocked to learn that someone else had a similar experience.

Every time I went for a walk, with in 10 to 15 minutes, my quads, hips and groin tightened. It felt like I couldn't control my legs. The muscles just got tighter the more emotional I became and every time it progressed to a place where my legs felt like they were on fire. Horrible searing pain that left me in tears (which I would fight back in public, hate crying in front of people) and I would have to hobble to a place to sit down. The pain didn't stop when I sat down, just continued. I got stuck in the pain fear loop every time. It was awful, horribly painful and so embarrassing. I was very mean to myself when this would happen. Now I know that being mean to myself increases my pain.

When I started this program, I experienced that type of pain daily, multiple times a day. I was at the end of my rope. The solutions my doctor gave me were not acceptable. It was not acceptable to be 52 and crippled by pain. It was a very dark time for me.

I will never be able to understand your pain, or your experience, all I can do is relate. I have to say the way you described it was spot on for me.
If I'm honest, I still fear pain. If my inner thigh starts to tighten, I get anxious that the pain is returning, which makes it worse. Before this program I had no idea that was even possible. I learned to be with the pain instead of in the pain and I learned that when I allowed myself to really cry (ugly cry) pain decreases for me. I rarely cried before, usally held it. When I first started SEP- I cried every day. I had a lot to release.
Last thing I want to say.... I am so sorry for all the emotional pain you lived with in your childhood. I can't imagine the damage a narcissistic psychiatrist can do to a child I gasped when I read that.
Keep going<3

 

[sdiddy]

Dear Ex Wife

I feel so hurt and angry by what you did to me. I gave you 17 years. Pure love and devotion. I was a good man and great husband. Not perfect. I was too soft now I realize. I let you steamroll and bully me and didnt stand up for myself. thats on me. But I was still kind and noble. I never raised my voice at you in 17 years. Never cheated. Never neglected you. Worked hard, two jobs and even cooked dinner every night. Social planning. House cleaning. Grocery shopping. I did it all. and when we had our baby girl, I did everything I could for her too. Diapers and midnight feedings. I was so full of love for you for so many years. All i wanted was to be loved back. When you got rich and "famous" in hollywood you literally became a different person. None of thes words would matter if you read them. you became an emotionless sociopath that liked to hurt people. it made you feel good. its a sickness and sad. But I hate you for what you did, how you treated me, and how you continue to make my life as a single father as difficult as possible. you cant answer a single email without being hostile. NOT FUCKING ONE. I can literally ask you a simple question and all you know is how to be hostile to everyone. worse thing is you justify it. youre the vistim in your life and yet youre the bully. you have costme over $500,000 in legal fees alone. do you know how sad that makes me. how hard i worked to make that money and flushed it down the fucking toilet because of your litigious bullshit. and ALL I want is more time with my lovely daughter. The thing that pisses me off so much is that you didnt even see what a wonderful dad I am. every single one of my friends with children has said at one point to me "youre the dad i want to be". and youre blind to it. I take care of her, protect her. love her endlessly and unconditionally, im patient and gentle with her, put the blanket on her 5x a night when she kicks it off, i cook all her meals with love i make her laugh i listen to her i hear her. and you see none of it. All i want is more time with MY OWN FUCKING DAUGHTER. im so sick of how our society is. some dumb fuck judge is going to determine how much I see my own child????? I fucking hate this world sometimes. you have all the money you can ever awnt so you keep me tied up in court knowing that i cant afford it. every request ive made, all reasonable (like can i have my daughter every other saturday) you say no to and then take me to court if i try to push back. i hate you. i didnt deserve to be treated like this by anyone the least by you.

Think of a person in your life from whom you hide your emotions. What is preventing you from telling this person how you feel?
Probably my Ex. it wouldnt matter. she would actually get joy from hearing my pain. shes sick and sadistic. but a part of me has always just wanted an apology. god what that would do for me. and im sorry for the hurt and pain. im sorry for making you the collateral damage to my own unhealed wounds. but i know that will never come. it never came from my dad to this day and wont from her either. narcissists never see their wrongs.

 

[sdiddy]

I need to self sooth often. I have a routine now. When the pain comes, I start with self-soothing, followed by telling myself I am safe,- Havening touch is the method I prefer. Its easy and inconspicuous, so I can do it anywhere. It's simple but effective for me. Simply rub the palms of your hands together, slowly, pay attention to the way your palms feel against each other.
Havening touch helps me calm my nervous system, so I can investigate the pain psychologically. Self-soothing helps me stay out of the pain fear loop. If you google havening touch, you will find an explanation of why and how it works, pretty cool brain science.

I wanted to share that I also had the experience of my legs refusing to work while out on walks. I was shocked to learn that someone else had a similar experience.

Every time I went for a walk, with in 10 to 15 minutes, my quads, hips and groin tightened. It felt like I couldn't control my legs. The muscles just got tighter the more emotional I became and every time it progressed to a place where my legs felt like they were on fire. Horrible searing pain that left me in tears (which I would fight back in public, hate crying in front of people) and I would have to hobble to a place to sit down. The pain didn't stop when I sat down, just continued. I got stuck in the pain fear loop every time. It was awful, horribly painful and so embarrassing. I was very mean to myself when this would happen. Now I know that being mean to myself increases my pain.

When I started this program, I experienced that type of pain daily, multiple times a day. I was at the end of my rope. The solutions my doctor gave me were not acceptable. It was not acceptable to be 52 and crippled by pain. It was a very dark time for me.

I will never be able to understand your pain, or your experience, all I can do is relate. I have to say the way you described it was spot on for me.
If I'm honest, I still fear pain. If my inner thigh starts to tighten, I get anxious that the pain is returning, which makes it worse. Before this program I had no idea that was even possible. I learned to be with the pain instead of in the pain and I learned that when I allowed myself to really cry (ugly cry) pain decreases for me. I rarely cried before, usally held it. When I first started SEP- I cried every day. I had a lot to release.
Last thing I want to say.... I am so sorry for all the emotional pain you lived with in your childhood. I can't imagine the damage a narcissistic psychiatrist can do to a child I gasped when I read that.
Keep going<3

thank you for the sympathy. and yes my childhood was torture in some ways but in other ways i found joy, like with friends, movies, books, basketball. the best gift I can give to the world is never repeating my dads mistakes on my little girl. shes so joyful and free and safe around me. its my biggest accomplishment.

can you tell me what you did to get your legs back to 100 again? I am really struggling right now and scared for how I will do in japan in december with my daughter when i cant even walk 15 minutes, let alone 20k steps a day.

 

[Margot!!]

thank you for the sympathy. and yes my childhood was torture in some ways but in other ways i found joy, like with friends, movies, books, basketball. the best gift I can give to the world is never repeating my dads mistakes on my little girl. shes so joyful and free and safe around me. its my biggest accomplishment.

can you tell me what you did to get your legs back to 100 again? I am really struggling right now and scared for how I will do in japan in december with my daughter when i cant even walk 15 minutes, let alone 20k steps a day.

I hear you. Truthfully, I am not at 100% yet, still working on the fear and anxiety around the pain. I started small, if my legs revolted at 10 minutes I would shoot for 12 minutes of walking. Be with the pain tell your body you are safe and process the feelings that come up. Maybe thats somewhere to start. Give yourself grace, lots of grace and go slow. I can walk for about 25 minutes with no pain but after that the pain is reduced by atleast 50%.
It feels like there is alot of energy and anxiety around this trip to Japan, maybe some fear, which honestly maybe making the issue with your legs worse. Maybe looking at what it means for you emotionally if you cant walk the 20k steps.

Japan is definitely on my list of places I want to go. Keep going, you are doing great.