Day 1+. Starting Over. Scared. (4 Years Hip Pain - 48M)

sdiddy

sdiddy

Peer Supporter
I did an MRI 4 years ago and it showed osteoarthritis in both hips, bursitis in both, and labrum tears. Ive just dealt with the constant pain for 4 years the best I can. PT, cortisone, psychotherapy, sauna, cold plunge, a bit of journaling. More recently the back of my legs to my knees has started to shut down only after walking for 20 minutes or standing for 30 or so. Its frightening. Everything is locking up. So i saw a couple docs this week and they said could be spinal stenosis, a nerve being pushed, disc bulding, necrosis in the hips and more. They have ordered another MRI.

Im scared. I dont want surgery. Maybe Ill need it i dont know but before I do any invasive procedures I want to try to rule out TMS. I am committing to the 42 day plan. I know that TMS has been a part of my life since I "herniated" my back in 2001. I had any years of severe chronic pain then and when I found Healing Back Pain I was cured. But since then its always been something. Chest and arm pain, frozen shoulder, knee, and on and on. Im not saying 100% of these were TMS but I am saying that I have lived with TMS almost constantly for 25 years.

Now here I am but why is this worse? Well, the pain is worse, there are multiple things going on (SEVERE lack of mobility, popping and grinding, hips locking up when I sit, I cant cross my legs or sit indian style, everything hurts, the TFL, labrum, joints, ilias or whatver its called and now the back of my hamstrings and back of my knees shut down when I walk or stand for a bit. It's really bad. The doctors are all saying the MRI is very clearly showing serious issues. We are ordering another one soon. Ive tried everything but here I am willing to try this again. Maybe with the help of you all and doing the practice, something may change.

What would a life without TMS mean to you?
Everything. I could get up and go for a jog. Which means I can exercise and lose weight (im 20 lbs overweight though I dont look it, skinnyfat). I can go for walks anytime, shoot hoops or play pickleball with friends. I can throw a football with my daughter or ride bikes with her. I can have sex without pain or fear. I can deadlift or squat without fear of something "bad" happening. I can SLEEP for once. I can recover. I can lower my cholesterol and blood sugar and be active again. I can travel, walk 20k steps in Japan again. Life without TMS would be a life that feels limitless to me. I can achieve everything I ever wanted. That is a lot. I want that so bad. Recently I said to my therapist "I have everything I ever wanted in my life. I want for not a single thing except to live pain free." Imagine that. A beautiful daughter, a mom, friends, a nice little 1 bedroom apartment, and I get to chase my lifelong ambitions in my career. Im lucky. But the pain. The sleeplessness for years on end. It's destroying me.
 
sdiddy said:
Maybe Ill need it i dont know but before I do any invasive procedures I want to try to rule out TMS.
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I completely understand where you’re coming from. It makes total sense not to want to go through invasive procedures unless they’re clearly necessary, so framing this as “let’s rule out TMS first” feels like the safe, logical approach.

I want to gently highlight one subtle but important point, though. It’s not just about wording; it’s about how that framing can nudge your brain. For a lot of people, this is where things get stuck with TMS. If the aim is to “rule out TMS”, it can keep you searching for evidence that the symptoms must be physical, and unintentionally close the door on considering that TMS might be all or part of what’s going on.

Really glad to see you’re doing the SEP (and, from what you mentioned in another thread, that you’re planning to read Schubiner’s book).
 
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Im not sure If Im supposed to keep posting my EPD in this one thread or make seperate threads? But Ill do one here for now:

Day 2.
I went for a walk with my daughter today and around the 10 minute mark my back of my legs and knees began shutting down again. I dont know what the fuck is going on. It was so much pain that within 15 minutes we had to get home so i could sit down. I went to the bathroom and got down on the floor and stayed on all fours for relief for 15 minutes. I felt like crying. My daughter is outside in the living room and no idea Im on the bathroom floor in pain and anguish from all this. Im holding back tears even now. I wish someone could help me.

Three things that make me feel angry are:
1. Feeling handicapped, weak, useless, inadequate, and unable to do the things I used to. I was an athlete. competitive. fierce. Capable. I was a great basketball player in my youth, fast, great shooter, and when I was older I played golf and was solid as well, shooting in the 70s quite often. I could run and play and was agile. Now a 15 minute walk is almost unbearable.

2. Feeling unseen by the world. Ive always felt a little invisible. Misunderstood. On the outside I may look brooding or even slightly intimidating as a brown skinned and bearded man, but Im one of the kindest most loving humans you have ever met. Only those close to me know that. But the rest of the world constantly misjudges me. Like on dating apps. It sucks. It constantly hurts my ego.

3. The inequality and unfairness of the world. The shitty people get rich and step on everyone to get there. The good people die poor. Shitty people get the hot girl. Good kind men are forgotten. Attractive people get to act horribly and the world reinforces them. And on and on. I hate the way the world is. It makes me angry. I believe in Karma and yet I constantly see good innocent people treated poorly, myself included. My ex wife was a narcissitic abusive psychopath. Literally two faced, pathological liar, who treated a good man horribly for many years until I finally had to leave. My entire childhood was abuse from my dad too and he never stopped. I cut him out of my life 7 years ago. My whole life has been a constant test of my willpower and inner strength to keep going through every form of pain. I lost my only sibling tragically at 33. My younger sister. That same year I got divorced and my ex put me through years of hell. That same year my dad showed his true colors again. And yet I stayed the course. Did therapy. started a new life. Dated 4 beautiful girls sequentially over the span of 6 years, all 4 wanted to marry me. (im not tooting my own horn im only stating this as evidence that im a good man and was always a wonderful doting caring husband). Im a wonderful father to my little girl, my best friend. I made many new friends and started a new career and somehow landed a job working for one of the biggest actors in hollywood, as a second career! this was a dream. But none of it came easy. It was always through pain, anxiety, constant worry and sleeplessness. I dont think of myself as a victim. But Ive had a tougher path than most people I personally know. And yet, I see someone thats truly handicapped and I think to myself "youre so blessed. Some people do have it worse". So im eternally grateful.

Three things that make me feel sad are:
1. Knowing my daughter has to deal with her psychotic mom. And shes so sweet she doesnt even know what manipulation is. Or how my ex lies. Guilts her, and more. I feel so bad for the little girl. Shes well adjusted and sweet and wonderful and doing great but I also know what life with a narcissist parent is like. It does a lot of damage even if we arent aware of it.
2. Thinking I wont be able to do things with my daughter if this pain continues. Take trips. Dance with her at her wedding one day. And so on. It breaks my heart. Id give anything and I mean anything if I knew someone could help me. Id pay $10K right now if someone could guarantee they could "fix" me.
3. The thought of being alone as I get older. As I mentioned I dated a lot after divorce. But I wasnt ready for another life commitment after my ex wife. So I broke up with each of those women. Only one of them was truly a good woman if Im being honest. The others were all too young and troubled to understand true partnership. The last one, we were together about 3.5 years. She was a good woman. She wanted more. I wasnt ready. I let her go. After I let her go I regretted it and tried to get her back but she was already in love with another man. I found myself in a terrible love triangle. It was hell. This was around the time my hip pain started to get much worse btw. After 9 months of this hell I broke it all off and walked away. She wasnt going to leave him. But she didnt want to lose me either. And that triangle was destroying me. It was really hard for months but eventually I moved on and now I feel closure about it all and to be honest wonder why I was so frantic about it at that time. Im not even sure I could build a whole life with her or she was the right one. But at that time it felt like I had to have her to have any chance at happiness. Now, I dont feel that way. I dont miss her. I do miss her dog. But Im ok now.
 
@sdiddy, this is so beautifully vulnerable. You have unpacked so much. I see so many layers, and so many connections from your past to present.
I read so much self-pressure in so many ways, so many heavy emotions.
 
Your vulnerability is beautiful, I feel honored to have read your post. I agree with Cactus flower, so many heavy, heavy emotions, so much emotional pain. You skillfully unpacked so much.
I want to validate the male experience, which isn't done much in our society. There are so many pressures on men to be physically able, stoic, "strong", and "manly". Then we ask men to be emotionally available and gentle. If you can't hit the bar and be all those things at once, you aren't a man? That is not fair.
PLEASE allow yourself to cry. Emotions live in our bodies, crying helps to release not to mention all the wonderful chemicals that are released when we cry. It's our bodies best defense against strong emotions and stress. Crying is supposed to be our pressure release valve.
Im glad you are here.
 
Thank you all for the continued support. Im going to just keep posting my dailies here, just to get in the habit of it. I missed some days this weekend, just forgot to be honest so ill try and play catchup and do 3 days worth now. And to the people posting here, you are so appreciated. Ive had a tough life in some ways and Ive had a truly blessed life in some ways. I dont feel like a victim at all. I wish my body could know that and let go of whatever it is that its holding on to. The last few days have been tough. The back of my legs and knees are shutting down/cramping/i dont even know how to describe it after only 15-30 minutes of standing or walking. Its so painful that I cant even bend my leg at the knee without significant pain, as if its totally locked up. Today I took my daughter to a convention and knew it would be tough. I had to take an advil just to get through a couple hours of it. I rarely do that.

When was the last time you exercised or did another physical activity? What was this activity? How did it make you feel physically and emotionally? If it has been a while since you last exercised, why?

I lift weights regularly but the last time I was truly physical was about 4 months ago when I did 2 months of orange theory. My hips hurt but I was still managing it pretty well. But after some time the back of my knee and hamstrings started to seize up terribly and I had to stop. It made me feel good to walk, jog, even run one or two times. Made me feel young and useful. Not like a fucking old decrepit loser. Since then i havent been able to even walk because of the severe pain.

What was the most disheartening thing a doctor has told you about your symptoms? In what ways have you kept that in your mind? 4 years ago I had an MRI on my hips that shook me up. osteoarthritis in both hips, bursitis in both, labrum tears. it scared me to no end. And now they want another MRI and I know it will be worse. The new rheumatologist said i have necrosis in the hips and will need a hip replacement. I hate western medicine and how they treat you. I know they are trying to help but they all seem so limited in their knowleage. Most dont ven know who dr sarno is. But I cant help but feel like maybe hes right. I cant keep ignoring the pain.

When I was 37 years old I got divorced. I FEEL this way about it: Look Ive done a lot of therapy. Weekly for 10 years. And I never quit on anything easily. My wife at the time had put me through a living hell for about the last 5 years of our marriage. It was surreal. Like the twighlite zone. We went from a wonderful loving relationship to madness within 6 months of her accepting a job as a hollywood agent. Her new partner/mentor was a psychotic typical hollywood type. No morals. Insane. And I knew he would destroy our marriage because of how impressionable she is. I couldnt stop it. She went from sweet and kind to narcissitc and insane within half a year. It got worse with every day. The money, power, and pseudo fame got to her head and she started to get off on hurting people. yelling at and firing people at her office just for fun. Screaming at and abusing me daily. You could see it in her eyes she liked it. It gave her strength and power. Something she maybe never had as a child. (Absentee parents).

I was loving and kind. Worked two jobs came home and made dinner for her every night. I did EVERYTHING in our lives. Bills, house things, cleaning, cooking, shopping, social planning. everything. I thought I was being a hero. But actually I was enabling her, conditioning her to keep treating me poorly. But I dont look at myself like a bad person for that. It was noble. I wanted to be her hero. I now know it was foolish to do everything and want for nothing. Those 5 years were hell. I cried every night. I prayed every night. I wanted to the nightmare to end. I was losing everything. I remember the worst feeling in the world was driving two seperate cars to go to marriage counseling, getting there and not even recognizing my own wife, sitting in a room where she would literally lie about everything, slander me with lies, never take a single accountability on everything, never attempt to change a single thing about her abusive behavior, charm the counselor into getting on her side, and I would leave in tears. I would cry on the drive home every day. It was hell. I felt so alone in the world, Ive never felt worse in my life. Being in a home where someone treats you invisible is more lonely than being in a home by yourself. I felt sadder than ever. I lost patches of hair. I didnt sleep. I had a permanent wrench in my gut that wouldnt go away. And yet I still showed up everyday. At work, with friends, and eventually for my newborn baby.

But at a certain point I couldnt do it anymore. I realized there was NOTHING that would get to her put any effort in or care. She was addicted to this new life, money and power, and even me was just an obstacle in her way. When i realized that I knew this couldnt be fixed. So we split. It was the hardest thing in the world but also in a way, relieving. I couldnt take the pain anymore. I needed out. we agreed on the split and I got a new apartment. My daughter was 3. I started a new life, bravely. New career, new friends, new apartment, new me. at 37. I feel bad for my mom who had to watch all this. Watch her sons heart break. Watch him cry. Watch him scream in agony and pain and anxiety. For year after because of how much post split hell she put e through, over money, finances, custody and more. I fucking hate my ex. She is a truly evil person. Everyone that knows her will confirm that. She has no heart, no emotions, no morality. I can tell you stories that would floor you. She is largely responsible for the permanent destruction of my relationship with my dad. She is evil.

Im much better now. My relationship with my daughter is so wonderful. Shes 12 now. Shes laying in my bed as im writing this and reading a book next to me. We just went to see a movie, forgotton island, and she cuddled in my movie seat with me. We spent half the day at a convention downtown, walking, talking, laughing (despite my pain). Ive taken her to japan 4x in teh last 4 years just me and her. Its heaven. Shes my everything. my best friend. My muse. my inspiration. My hero. The love of my life. My greatest creation.

I had a birthday a couple weeks ago. 30 people came. 28 of them were friends I made AFTER my divorce. When I realized that I smiled, thinking how incredible that is. To start an entirely new life all over again. How much bravery that takes. Im proud of who I am and the life Ive built. But sure there is still pain in me. But this is the part that I dont get about TMS because ive DONE the work. Ive unpacked it all, done the therapy ,had closure. Im not depressed, Im grateful and joyful. Im not angry, Im healed and appreciative that my tribulations in life made me better, kinder, stronger. So then what is the TMS????

Think of some activities you really enjoy doing. If you could do one of these activities without feeling stressed out, without having anxiety, and without worrying about your family, kids, job, etc. how would that feel? Why do you not do this activity more often? What steps could you take to do this activity stress free and without worrying about other things?

Maybe golf. I played for the first time in many months about 4 weeks ago. My hips were hurting bad by hole 4 just from walking and carrying my bag and then suddenly my shoulder strained on a shot. We had to leave by hole 6 because of my pain. The shoudler strain is still there which is preventing me from lifting weights at the gym now too. Golf isnt even an option. But I love the game. I miss it. And I was QUITE good. Even on the round a month ago I was firing approach shots within 5 feet of the pin on every hole! I was shocked/ And then it all came crashing down and now Im paying the price in other ways. Maybe this isnt the right answer. Maybe the answer should be something simple like just go to the beach and sit down by myself. I like that too but I dont do it because Im lazy about things like that and insecure. Im lazy in that Id rather stay on my couch in the comfort of my home with my tv and phone and blanket. I dont want to drive to the beach and deal with all of it, the parking and sand and chair and etc. But when i do, I always am grateful and feel like I can finally breathe and slow down. Im insecure too. What if people see me and think Im wierd or lonely. I think things like that all the time. Maybe I should do it then.
 
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Apparently Im also to make these lists:
Past Traumatic Events and Experiences
My whole childhood was tough. Every night my dad would psychologically torture me. Lectures that sometimes last for 3 hours. Constant criticism and yelling. I was stresesd if he was ever home. In the morning he would wake me up by literally slamming my door open hard andyelling my name at the top of his lungs. It was like PTSD, waking up out of deep sleep to a bomb being dropped on your fucking head. What kind of a retarded maniac wakes a child like that? What a fucking idiot. Its probably half the reason Ive been a lifelong insomniac. Im too afraid to sleep because im too afriad of how I was woken up.

Current Events and Stresses
So many to list. My body pains: Both hips, right IT Band, left shoulder, both hamstrings, back of knees, right knuckles, right bicep, sometimes lower back, sometimes upper back. My high cholesterol that gives me anxiety (on statins now which may even be contributing to my pains, causing more anxiety). My continued legal matters with my psychotic ex wife, both stressful because she scares me and I live in constant fear, and I worry about our daughter constantly and how things will only get worse as she gets older and my ex is even more manipulative and controlling with her, and also just the financial anxiety of the lawsuits. Im not really making money right now, so Im bleeding my savings dry to pay for attorneys to protect me and my daughter. My career. Im working so hard, writing and doing everything, but still not making money. I feel like an outsider and it enrages me. Why wont they fucking see my talent and let me in?? I cant even get an agent. Or maybe I havent tried hard enough. Not to be racist but white people in hollywood have SUCH an easier time getting noticed and getting jobs and selling scripts. It frustrates me because I know how hard working and talented I am. For fucks sake I landed a job after 8 interviews with one of hollywoods biggest stars, a feat that most people could never do.

My love life. Nonexistent. Dating apps have stopped working. I hit on girls in real life it never goes anywhere. I feel unlovable right now. No one wants me and tbh I dont seem to want anyone either. The irony because after my divorce I was magnetic. Had 4 stunning girlfriends back to back and all wanted to marry me. Had many more flings between them. But then suddenly a couple years ago it all stopped. Not sure why. Maybe I started looking older, though people still always are shocked at my age and say I look mid 30s. I grew my hair out longer in part because im thinning. Maybe that made me look stupid i dont know. But also, things changed. I started to see through the veil, how these young pretty girls in LA manipulate to get what they want and it started to get gross to me. But the truth is im lonely too. I need sex and companionship. I try. apps, in person, activities. But the girls I want dont seem to want me anymore. Granted my standards are VERY high because of my track record. My finances. The spending is bad, with attorneys, expensive rent, and more. So I always worry. But the honest truth is of everything I listed above, only my health is the major concern. Its the only thing I feel like I have the least grip on. Its the only thing I would truly wish to be fixed.


Personality Traits
If you cant tell Im pretty type A. A little OCD. Super detail oriented. Extremely people pleasing (though Ive worked a lot on this), and overachievig in every aspect of my life. I pride myself on being great at everything I do. In things that some people would think is ridiculous. I pride myself on a beautiful home, being able to have tons of skills like cooking, designing, art, writing, golf, etc. I pride myself on the massive knowleage of things in life, being able to easily recount them (Im a polymath fwiw). I even pride myself on the girls ive dated, like it validates me. I pride myself most on the father I am. Not all of these are good. I know that. But its hard for me to shake them. And as a result my expectations of me are sky high and im hard on myself. meanwhile there are guys that literally just want to surf and dont care about anything but the waves. Sometimes im jealous of those dudes. But most of the time I like who i am and proud of the life Ive built.
 
@sdiddy Don't worry about missing days. You're working and juggling a lot, so obviously you have to do the sessions when you have the time. I would just avoid cramming them together, especially as you get further into the program. There's value in giving yourself some space between sessions to let the ideas actually sink in, rather than treating the course like something you have to power through.

I'm not a coach, but if I were, in light of what you wrote above, I'd suggest to you the 'homework' of spending just 5 minutes a day doing absolutely nothing. No achieving — just sitting and letting yourself be. At most, listen to the birds or the wind moving through the trees while sipping a cup of tea, or just watch your chest rise and fall with your breathing.

As the old saying goes: “Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.”

If you decide to do this, you'll probably hate it at first; if so, you could just start with 1 or 2 minutes and build from there.

I don't think you need to completely change your whole way of being, but I more than suspect your mind and body could really benefit from gradually cultivating a little more yin to tip the balance away from all that yang.
 
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My only comment to your beautiful self exploration is that every time you think things like you do not feel like a victim or have done it all.. open that door and check in that closet. We all have stuff we hide from ourselves and it’s not digging through every treasure chest that uncovers gold, it’s being curious, open, accepting, not judging that it’s there and perhaps hiding in plain sight and might even seem completely insignificant and may be quite justified. That softening not only to what is, but what might be is a very special form of self-compassion. You deserve every drop of it.
 
Thank you both for participating here. Its helpful, even if a couple people support. Last night I had sex for the first time in quite awhile. Ive honestly stopped dating this whole year because 1. Im sick of the entitlement, narcissism, and transactional nature of LA dating 2. My standards for my time and energy are high 3. Im simply not sex motivated like most men are after having a lot of it and multiple relationships and flings etc after my divorce. But I met a pretty cool girl and had a second date and had se. However, it was painful. i couldnt even climax because of the hip pain. and all night was brutal, severe hip pain. It all made me feel worse, not better. It made me feel like I will never be normal again and be able to just have sex like a normal person. Im scared and worried. I want to believe this is TMS in the hips (and i know SOME part of it is), but with all of my experiences with TMS, this doesnt feel like TMS. This feels like something pretty severe going on. The doctor said necrosis, on top of the osteoarthritis, bursitis, blah blah. So its hard for me to fully adopt the idea that this is just TMS. The pain doesnt feel like it. Some parts do but most dont. The hoips lock up, pop, throb, sting, hurt with specific motions, like getting in a car. My range of motion is horrific. Im going to keep dong the work but Im just being honest.

When I was 40 years old I became estranged from my dad. I FEEL this way about it:

Angry and sad. Angry that this man child, this narcissistic abusive child in a mans body never healed himself so everyone around him because the collateral damage of his own issues. Every day as a child he yelled and screamed at everyone, cursed at mom, threw plates, lectured, lost complete control, and bullied everyone. No one had a voice. We lived in fear. And into adulthood he then treated everyone like his patient. Im the healthiest one in my family (psychology) and most self aware, 10 years of therapy and more, and he would still to this day tell me im mentally sick and try to prescribe me a bunch of meds. He does this to everyone. He is responsible for why my only sibling isnt with us today. He treated us like lab rats. I was strong enough to resist the meds when I was a kid but my sister wasnt. And eventually she became more and more hooked and dependent on drugs. I hate him for taking her from us. I hate him for treating my mom like shit. I hate him for how he treated me, who was such a kind and sweet kid trying his best to make his parents happy. fuck him. fuck him for never growing the fuck up and doing the work on himself. Immature insecure fragiled ego piece of shit.

And sad as well. Because I deserved better than this. we all did. I have no siblings anymore. No wife. And now I have no dad. So all I have is my daughter (my everything) and my borderline senile mom. It would be nice to have a dad to help with everything im going through. just not him. Youd think with years passing by he would realize his mistakes and just stop the abuse but no. Every year hell send an email just as abusive as the last. It never ends. Hes sick in his head. He cant stop. Hes never said the words im sorry once in his life. Meanwhile I am everything to my little girl. Her protection, support, ears and eyes, her teacher, her love, her entertainment, her friend. And I always will be. My dad could have been those things but never got control of his own shit or never even tried. So I have to do this without him.

It sucks, all the pain ive been through. losing my sister, wife and dad all within 2 years. Then all this pain on top of it all. But again I dont feel like a victim because all these things have a silver lining. My shitty dad made me the best dad and husband in the world because I swore to never be like him and knew what that end of the spectrum looked like. My awful wife resulted in me becoming the most empathic person and finding my authentic self after divorce, and getting a chance to truly explore the world and who I am, closer to fully self actualized every day. And my sister...well I dont know if that has any silver lining. Maybe it taught me that the world is unfair and sometimes there is no bigger purpose for the pain and things we have to deal with. Maybe it taught me to hold my loved ones closer, kiss them as much as possible. In a way, I was heavily encouraged to write by her. And that eventually led me to chasing my dream and working with my favorite actor in the world, and writing childrens books with my daughter. So I guess her spirit lives on in my books.
 
@sdiddy I wanted to share something from my own experience, because I remember being absolutely convinced that the severity of my symptoms meant they couldn't possibly be TMS. My hip, buttock and SI pain and stiffness were extraordinarily severe and disabling. I was bedridden for a total of over 18 months, couldn't weight-bear, couldn't get into a car, couldn't go for a scan because I couldn't get into a car, and could barely turn over in bed. I even wore satin pyjamas and slept on silk sheets because otherwise turning over was almost impossible.

It felt completely physical and extremely serious. And eventually I came to understand it as mind-body/TMS. Obviously that's my experience and not a diagnosis of you, but severity doesn't necessarily tell you what the cause of the symptoms is. Something can feel incredibly physical and still have a powerful mind-body component.

Sarno talked about getting on with life, and I think that's important. But I also think many of us with TMS need to learn to take our foot off the accelerator. I know I did. Getting on with life doesn't necessarily mean pushing through everything.

So after reading all that you've written, I keep coming back to one question:

Where is the gentleness towards yourself?

I keep picturing a rodeo rider on a bucking bronco — the horse is bucking, the rider is gripping tightly, every muscle engaged, determined to stay on. There's so much tension in the whole picture. And it struck me that the word “tension” is right there in Tension Myositis Syndrome.

I wonder if that image resonates with how you've been approaching life: holding on, pushing through, trying to stay strong, trying to be perfect — physically, sexually, emotionally and as a father. But perfection is impossible.

Trying to be perfect is crippling.

Teal Swan has a question I find useful: “What would someone who loves themselves do?”

Maybe that's the question I'd leave you with. Not “What would make the pain go away?” or “How do I force myself back to normal?” but simply:

If I were to show love and care for myself, how would I treat myself today? Is there anything that treats me gently and gives me some peace, even if it's just a sliver to start off with?
 
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BloodMoon said:
@sdiddy I wanted to share something from my own experience, because I remember being absolutely convinced that the severity of my symptoms meant they couldn't possibly be TMS. My hip, buttock and SI pain and stiffness were extraordinarily severe and disabling. I was bedridden for a total of over 18 months, couldn't weight-bear, couldn't get into a car, couldn't go for a scan because I couldn't get into a car, and could barely turn over in bed. I even wore satin pyjamas and slept on silk sheets because otherwise turning over was almost impossible.

It felt completely physical and extremely serious. And eventually I came to understand it as mind-body/TMS. Obviously that's my experience and not a diagnosis of you, but severity doesn't necessarily tell you what the cause of the symptoms is. Something can feel incredibly physical and still have a powerful mind-body component.

Sarno talked about getting on with life, and I think that's important. But I also think many of us with TMS need to learn to take our foot off the accelerator. I know I did. Getting on with life doesn't necessarily mean pushing through everything.

So after reading all that you've written, I keep coming back to one question:

Where is the gentleness towards yourself?

I keep picturing a rodeo rider on a bucking bronco — the horse is bucking, the rider is gripping tightly, every muscle engaged, determined to stay on. There's so much tension in the whole picture. And it struck me that the word “tension” is right there in Tension Myositis Syndrome.

I wonder if that image resonates with how you've been approaching life: holding on, pushing through, trying to stay strong, trying to be perfect — physically, sexually, emotionally and as a father. But perfection is impossible.

Trying to be perfect is crippling.

Teal Swan has a question I find useful: “What would someone who loves themselves do?”

Maybe that's the question I'd leave you with. Not “What would make the pain go away?” or “How do I force myself back to normal?” but simply:

If I were to show love and care for myself, how would I treat myself today? Is there anything that treats me gently and gives me some peace, even if it's just a sliver to start off with?
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Thank you for the engagement. As for your question, I'm not sure I have the right answer so Ill just write what comes up. Although I do juggle a lot of things, multiple projects, a new career, being a great dad to an amazing girl by myself half the week, seeing my mom 3x a week, lifting weights and hot yoga and contrast therapy, being there for friends, taking all my supplements and cooking healthy meals...I also have balance. Most nights Im not with my daughter Im home, on the sofa, enjoying a movie like I am in this exact moment. Sometimes I pop half a cannabis edible to help me be detached from stress and just in the moment and relax and enjoy a movie or music. Im not really go go go all the time, I feel a lot of balance actually. I treat myself to meals I like, take my daughter to fun events and great restaurants, movies every week at the theater. We play little games, chess, cards, or coloring books. I actually feel like all those moments are pretty much self love. Last night I went to movie at the theater by myself and it was great. I think I give myself a lot of self love.

Perhaps I dont TELL myself I love me. Perhaps my internal dialogue is tougher and Im always worried about everything. But some of that toughness is also what has driven me to success in a lot of ways. I dont know the answer to your Q. I dont know what to do. I wish someone could just tell me what to do and Ill do it. Im schediuling the MRI now but that is also giving me anxiety because I already know its going to be bad. And then the panic ensues. But what else do I do? Ignore the pain even longer? Its been 4 years of pain. and its so bad I cant walk. And Im supposed to go to japan with my daughter in december. Thats 10k-20k steps a day and I can barely do 1/4 of that right now.
 
Todays work:

Dear Sid in your 30s. I feel bad for you. You got up everyday, and were a people pleaser. Good to your wife. Good to your business partner. Youd shave and put on your $50 suit and tie and =youd make tea and carpool with him to work and work hard every day. Youd make people laugh, do good work, make good money. Come home, cook a dinner for you and your wife, try your best to share a moment with her but she was increasingly too "busy" to connect with you. Youd sit there eating alone or staring at the tv while she ate yoru dinner and stared at her laptop. Your heart was breaking inside and you had no one to share it with. All you wanted was to be loved. Your entire life thats all youve ever wanted. To be hugged, to be appreciated to be seen and LOVED.

You are so full of love, more than any human I have ever met. A sweet kid that didnt deserve the treatment from his dad and now after dedicating your life to a woman, taking care of her in every way, she too was abandoning you, hurting you, seeing through you. I feel so fucking bad for you, the past version of me. Because at that time you didnt know what I know that, that everything is going to be ok. Your heart was breaking so painfully that you thought your life was over. You thought youd die without her love. Im so sorry you had to go through that. You had no one to confide in and dealt with this by yourself. You cared for everyone, even her parents when they came to visit. And then you had a baby girl. A sweet beautiful hilarious little thing and you did EVERYTHING you could for her. Changed diapers, cooked her little meals, helped with everything from breast pumps to night feedings. You held that little girl in your arms and saw your future and your purpose. She saved you. She gave you hope and love and purpose when it felt like the world was falling apart.

And then you lost your sister when your daughter was about 1. The world continued to collapse. I remember one night you sat at your laptop on the dining room table and you were working on something and your wife was 7 feet away on the sofa and you started to break down and cry. The pain of it all. Her, your sister, everything dfalling apart. You sat and sobbed and your wife looked up at you from the sofa and didnt even make a sound. Didnt ask whats wrong. Didnt get up to console you. Just coldly sat there, emotionless. You were abandoned, left alone in your pain. You ccried because you didnt know how to ask for help or a little tenderness from her and she didnt answer. Im so fucking sorry. You didnt deserve that. All the horrific things she did to you. You didnt deserve it. You were such a good kid and good child and good man and good son anda husband and friend and father. You deserved better. Im sorry youve had to go through so much pain in your life. Im sorry you havent been consistently loved the way you deserve. Im sorry you have been repeatedly abandoned and discarded. You are a sweet person. You are worthy of love and kindness.

I wish I could go to you arond that time and hold your hand and tell you I promise you will be ok and that you are not alone. That your daughter will become your best friend, that you will make MANY new friends, that you will be loved by women again. I wish I could let you know its all ok. And maybe I wish someone could tell me that now too. That everything is gong to be ok. Whether its TMS or surgery or whatever, I wish someone could jsut tell me it will all be ok.

As I sit here on my sofa alone sometimes I cherish the solitude. And sometimes I feel lonely. I look forward to seeing my daughter tomorrow, its been two days, so excited to hug her and kiss her a million times....but also, I do miss the feeling of a woman loving me too. I have done so much self work, spent years now without a woman, Ive done the work....but somehow Im still alone. part of me regrets breaking up with H, the third GF I had after divorce. She was overall a great person. We got along super well, she was giving and kind. She laughed at my jokes, we were similar in a lot of ways. I adored her dog and she and my daughter also got along well. We dated for 3 years or so. She wanted more but I wasnt ready because I was still healing from my divorce and quite frankly still going through financial battles with my ex wife, a daily reminder of what happens when you get married. So getting married again or even talking about "forever" with H was stressful. Also she wanted the possibilities of kids and that was a hard no for me. I had my daughter and that was perfect. I didnt want to start over at my age. But she deserved whatever she wanted so I did what I felt was right and let her go. Since her I havent had a single thing that was even remotely decent. Before her too. Nothing. Hot girls, yes, but no character like her.

After we broke up we stayed friends and months later after deep reflection I realized I wanted to try with her again but for real this time. But it was too late. She was in love with another man. I tried for many months to win her back but it was a shit show. a love triangle that destroyed me everyday. After nearly 9 months of this torture I realized shed never make the hard decision and I walked away and never spoke to her again. That was about 2 years ago. A part of me still has regrets. Another part of me says it wasnt meant to be and has closure. I think i could have built a pretty decent life with her but you never really know do you? I mean technically she cheated on that guy with me during the love triangle phase so then could I really trust her after all? I dont know. I was her first true love so I was special to her. But I let her go and she moved on. She didnt treat me very well during that phase. She toyed with me, strung me along, would come over and be intimate and stay overnight and the next day be with him and not respond to me. It was torture. Awful. I feel bad for myself again for what I went through. I felt lifeless on days she wasnt with me, wondering when shed text, wondering if the other guy was fucking the woman I wanted to be with. I cried many times, even a couple times in front of my poor daughter and mom, neither knew how to help me.

Again, the pattern here is a boy that just wanted to be loved and couldnt seem to find it or hold on to it. I cant control what my wife did and how she changed. I dont blame myself for any of that. BUt in a way I blame her for what happened with me and H. Because if my ex wife wasnt putting me through legal hell when i was dating H, I would probably have happily settled down with H. But she reminded me every day what a person can do to you after years of marriage. And me and H...our relationship paid the price.

I have no idea if I did this exercise right but I cried the whole time I wrote this so maybe I did. Please let me know thank you.
 
sdiddy said:
Thank you for the engagement. As for your question, I'm not sure I have the right answer so Ill just write what comes up. Although I do juggle a lot of things, multiple projects, a new career, being a great dad to an amazing girl by myself half the week, seeing my mom 3x a week, lifting weights and hot yoga and contrast therapy, being there for friends, taking all my supplements and cooking healthy meals...I also have balance. Most nights Im not with my daughter Im home, on the sofa, enjoying a movie like I am in this exact moment. Sometimes I pop half a cannabis edible to help me be detached from stress and just in the moment and relax and enjoy a movie or music. Im not really go go go all the time, I feel a lot of balance actually. I treat myself to meals I like, take my daughter to fun events and great restaurants, movies every week at the theater. We play little games, chess, cards, or coloring books. I actually feel like all those moments are pretty much self love. Last night I went to movie at the theater by myself and it was great. I think I give myself a lot of self love.

Perhaps I dont TELL myself I love me. Perhaps my internal dialogue is tougher and Im always worried about everything. But some of that toughness is also what has driven me to success in a lot of ways. I dont know the answer to your Q. I dont know what to do. I wish someone could just tell me what to do and Ill do it. Im schediuling the MRI now but that is also giving me anxiety because I already know its going to be bad. And then the panic ensues. But what else do I do? Ignore the pain even longer? Its been 4 years of pain. and its so bad I cant walk. And Im supposed to go to japan with my daughter in december. Thats 10k-20k steps a day and I can barely do 1/4 of that right now.
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I hear what you're saying about having balance and plenty of things you enjoy.

I think what I meant by "self-love" is a bit different. For instance, when I suggested sitting and doing nothing for a few minutes a day, I meant simply spending some time with yourself, without trying to distract yourself or change how you're feeling.

One reason I think that's worth exploring is that TMS itself is a form of distraction. In my own case, my TMS symptoms began crippling me when comfort eating was no longer doing a satisfactory job of numbing difficult feelings.

Before I became bedridden, I was still working despite having a lot of symptoms. I'd sometimes go to the local park at lunchtime and sit on a bench and eat my sandwich. I ate, but then afterwards I couldn't relax in my own company. I'd feel kind of jittery, like I had to get up and leave. Learning to be comfortable simply sitting with myself became an important part of my recovery.

I can't say that's what's happening with you, because I obviously don't know. I just wonder whether there might be something in the distinction between having lots of enjoyable things in your life and being comfortable when there is nothing to distract you. For me, learning to be with myself without needing to do anything or change how I felt gradually gave me a sense of peace that I hadn't had before.

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In your last posting what struck me most was the recurring theme of “I just wanted to be loved”. It sounds like you've spent a lot of your life believing that if you were good enough, useful enough, loving enough, you'd eventually feel secure and chosen. And you've been very hard on yourself for not getting that.

Regarding H -- I think it's worth remembering that none of us knows how the road not taken would actually have turned out.

And I think there's something encouraging in what you wrote: “Sometimes I cherish the solitude”. That's a big change from feeling that being alone meant being abandoned.

Actually, reading that made me even more convinced that spending a few minutes each day simply sitting and doing nothing might be good for you. Not trying to solve anything, distract yourself, achieve anything or even necessarily meditate — just sitting peacefully and getting reliably comfortable with your own company. I don't want to labour that point too much so I won't refer to it again after this, but what you said about sometimes genuinely cherishing the solitude made me think there's probably something valuable there for you.
 
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"I can't say that's what's happening with you, because I obviously don't know. I just wonder whether there might be something in the distinction between having lots of enjoyable things in your life and being comfortable when there is nothing to distract you. For me, learning to be with myself without needing to do anything or change how I felt gradually gave me a sense of peace that I hadn't had before."

This so much harkens back to wanting to be loved, and for @sdiddy , I sense that this has been a real challenge for you, both mentally and truly having that experience. I don't think perception and "reality" are much different in the mind and subconscious. Perhaps this sense of not being loved is part of why you've been able to forge such a beautiful relationship with your daughter. You KNOW and are FIRM in the love the two of you have for one another. So you already have an excellent example of your ability to forge this kind of loving relationship in trust. You already love many parts about yourself and recognize that, can you simply trust your other parts - perhaps the parts you were told were not valued, acceptable, loved by others etc. to be loved by yourself and (I know this sounds woo woo) return that love to you with less judgement. I think you have done that in some respect with your last date. You've decided to put your sex life on hold for now, out of respect to your current state of discomfort and physical fear. However that still leaves a door open to forging great friendships, exploring your own personal relationship with yourself and the beliefs you have that might defining you in a way your subconscious doesn't feel are your real inner truth. This is something I've been exploring myself on my TMS journey - the idea of "limiting beliefs" - we can choose to engage in those or decided to be our own inner rebel or bad ass and choose not to believe them "even if" (my favorite way of challening those beliefs) we think others might feel this way about us. Their reality doesn't have to be our own reality. As @BloodMoon suggests, many people find their truths and realities within the subtleness of stillness. Learning to be with the parts we are both comfortable and uncomfortable with, equally. Essentially that boils down to learning loving ourselves unconditionally. I think this is a great challenge for humans in general.
 
WOW you have been doing some really awesome work <3 A couple things I want to share with you- I also had less than ideal parents, father was a holocaust survivor and my mother had a horribly traumatic childhood. Both were incapable of being emotionally available and as the only child, I became the one who took care of them emotionally. At 9 years old I was paying bills and cooking dinner.
A BIG part of my early work in therapy was grieving the loss of functional parents and an average childhood. I was so angry that they didn't get their crap together, like I did for my daughter. Once I released the anger, I got really sad and took the time to grieve the loss of my childhood. I had to work through that again when I started SEP and It was very helpful. I write letters to my inner little child a lot, I highly recommend it.
I also want to share that before discovering TMS, I also had horrible hip pain on both sides with sex. Constant dull ache that would get sharp off and on. I was unable to enjoy sex and would burst into tears because of the pain. I would suffer for days afterward.
Since I have started following the SEP, Worked on the lists and prompts, my pain started to subside. The first thing I noticed was the absence of pain on waking up. Before SEP I woke up with burning pain in my legs and hips every morning. I would be in tears before I even got out of bed. then, I started to have days where I would be pain free for a few hours. Then for most of the day. The change came slow. Focusing on the psychological is not an easy path, We are brave and courageous for taking this road. YOU ARE BRAVE AND COURAGEOUS FOR TAKING THIS PATH. Keep going :)
 
thank you all for the advice and kind words. Continuing my work:

Are you having success at recognizing the emotions connected to your pain? If you have, how do these emotions make you feel? If not, what do you think is preventing you from doing this?

Hmm I dont know that I am finding a direct correlation to moments of pain and a specific emotion. Ive lived with pain for so long that Im honestly just used to being in pain constantly. I know it will hurt when I roll out of bed or even switch sides. I know it hurts when I sit on the couch or get up. I know that getting in and out of a car hurts. and now even walkng and standing causes the new different back of the leg and knee pain. I think the biggest emotion that I feel isnt necessarily about anythign other than fear of the pain itself and what it means. Fear of bein handicapped or unable to be healthy and capable. Fear of surgery and complications. Fear of the unknown and fear of the confusion around the pain. Sure, I hate my ex wife for her abuse and constant narcissm to this day, sure I wish I had a dad that was kind and decent, sure Id love to have a partner right now that was loving and kind, sure Id like to be making more money. All those. But the pain itself, the fear of what it means....thats my biggest enemy.

How does that make me feel? Scared. More than anything. Scared. And alone in my journey because western doctors are fucking idiots that try to do surgery and pills for everything and most people simply dont know about TMS. Sometimes it makes me question it myself. This hip thing is the first time Ive truly felt like this is much more than tms. I already know the MRI Ive scheduled is going to show some bad things. And Im scared of that too. I guess thats why Ive been putting it off for years.

When I was 13 years old, My dad tried to give me and my sister prescription medication like prozac/zoloft/etc. I FEEL this way about it:

Hes a psychiatrist. A narcissist. Verbally and psychology abusive. God complex who thinks every human is "sick" and he is the cure. Everyone is his patient in his mind. At a young age he called me and my sister to his room and gave us pills and said to take them. Keep in mind I was PERFECTLY normal, healthy, well adjusted. Not the best student but a B+ student. The only thing that was giving me any grief was him. He said that me and my sister were both sick and these pills would help. They are magic he said said. I knew something was wrong. I screamed and refused and ran away. But my sister wasnt strong enough. She took them. And kept taking them. as years went by she became more and more detached, just gone. Gained weight, got obese, starting taking other drugs, dependent. He continued to treat her like a lab rat. Convinced he was "saving" her when in fact he was the reason she was even slipping away. She was a normal kid. She just needed love like any child. She got worse and worse and one night passed away at 33 while in her sleep, due to a mix of different drugs and asthma. He did that to her. He will never take responsibility. I told him he killed her.

He will never look at himself. The sick fucking piece of shit. So fucked up and broken and wounded and unhealed that EVERYONE around him becomes his collateral damage. Just like my ex wife. Theyre both the same and not surprisingly, even after the hell she put me through in the divorce, he still goes to her house and hangs out with her. Two narccissitcs fucks. I hate them both. I hate them for being children that are so unhealed they dont even have the strength or courage to work on themselves so everyone around them sufferes. to this day my dad still sends me emails telling me im mentally ill and go to the pharmacy to fill the prescription. I have never taken a single drug for any issue like depression and have never been diagnosed with a single issue from the MANY therapists I have worked with through the years. Im not mentally ill. Im not sick. Im not even depressed (although when my marriage was falling apart I was). Im strong enough to have survived all this and still happy and positive and loving and empathic. so FUCK HIM. FUCK him for making me feel like shit my whole life when he is the one that has always needed the drugs and help.

My feelings about it are extreme frustration that there are people so damaged out there in the world that all they do is cause hurt and pain and more damage. That no one can fix them. That they dont want to be fixed or evern think anything is wrong with them. Kind people around them suffer. It makes me so mad when innocent and kind people suffer the wrath of unhealed people. But these arent things I think about anymore. Im healed, it was a long time ago Ive unpacked it and moved on. But Im talking about it for the purpose of these exercises.
 
“Are you having success at recognizing the emotions connected to your pain? If you have, how do these emotions make you feel? If not, what do you think is preventing you from doing this?”
“Hmm I dont know that I am finding a direct correlation to moments of pain and a specific emotion”

Here is something to consider. The question asked was very general. Your answer was looking for specific or direct. Oh, boy did I go through that too! Sometimes I still take things as “literal” even if they are not intended to be that way. This is a sign of the need for a bit more openness and curiosity - however you can do that, to soften the need for these precise and narrow interpretations of things. All the question really asks is if you can see any connections between emotions (or stress) and discomfort or focus. Hint: if you can’t, there is a good chance that the focus on the pain and current physical situation is distracting you from the bigger picture: that your scope in life in general has narrowed - essentially to keep you safe. Perhaps look at places you function really well: work, your relationship with your daughter, projects: like writing a book - how safe, confident and successful you often feel in those roles vs how scared, anxious and lonely you feel in other parts of your life.
Perhaps switching up some words, repeating questions in new wording to yourself will help you open up to a slightly broader perspective? I found that helpful. Switching up the word pain to “symptoms” helped me see that the symptoms were much broader than the pain - that they are much broader than most people describe. They are anything, anything at all that contributes to suffering - or not feeling at ease within yourself. Physical pain is actually only one small part of it, although the distraction of thought and feelings of lack of safety loom large.
 
I wish I knew how to do what youre saying. Im trying my best here but I dont know what I am not getting. Or is it that my hips are genuinely so messed up that even the tms aspect of it isnt the main issue? I dont know. Today after walking at famers market for only 15 minutes my legs both shut down to the point of severe pain i almost couldnt get in and out of a picnic bench. this is so bad i feel like crying. im barely functional. no one knows how bad my pain is. i LITERALLY CANT WALK. I dont know what else to do here other than get the MRI done. How can walking for 15 minutes cause your entire legs and hips to shut down??? In what world does that make any sense?

Have you been overly critical of yourself lately? How and why have you done this?
I dont know. Maybe a little. I guess Ive been hard on myself for neglecting my body and resulting in my current situation. And Im always hard on myself for not being as successful as i would like. But mostly I just feel bad for what Ive done to my body. How can I not? Im in severe pain. I cant walk. I cant sleep. I cant exercise. I cant have sex. I cant do anything and Im just dealing with it. Sigh. Im struggling. Today was hard.
 
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