Day 1+. Starting Over. Scared. (4 Years Hip Pain - 48M)

[sdiddy]

I did an MRI 4 years ago and it showed osteoarthritis in both hips, bursitis in both, and labrum tears. Ive just dealt with the constant pain for 4 years the best I can. PT, cortisone, psychotherapy, sauna, cold plunge, a bit of journaling. More recently the back of my legs to my knees has started to shut down only after walking for 20 minutes or standing for 30 or so. Its frightening. Everything is locking up. So i saw a couple docs this week and they said could be spinal stenosis, a nerve being pushed, disc bulding, necrosis in the hips and more. They have ordered another MRI.

Im scared. I dont want surgery. Maybe Ill need it i dont know but before I do any invasive procedures I want to try to rule out TMS. I am committing to the 42 day plan. I know that TMS has been a part of my life since I "herniated" my back in 2001. I had any years of severe chronic pain then and when I found Healing Back Pain I was cured. But since then its always been something. Chest and arm pain, frozen shoulder, knee, and on and on. Im not saying 100% of these were TMS but I am saying that I have lived with TMS almost constantly for 25 years.

Now here I am but why is this worse? Well, the pain is worse, there are multiple things going on (SEVERE lack of mobility, popping and grinding, hips locking up when I sit, I cant cross my legs or sit indian style, everything hurts, the TFL, labrum, joints, ilias or whatver its called and now the back of my hamstrings and back of my knees shut down when I walk or stand for a bit. It's really bad. The doctors are all saying the MRI is very clearly showing serious issues. We are ordering another one soon. Ive tried everything but here I am willing to try this again. Maybe with the help of you all and doing the practice, something may change.

What would a life without TMS mean to you?
Everything. I could get up and go for a jog. Which means I can exercise and lose weight (im 20 lbs overweight though I dont look it, skinnyfat). I can go for walks anytime, shoot hoops or play pickleball with friends. I can throw a football with my daughter or ride bikes with her. I can have sex without pain or fear. I can deadlift or squat without fear of something "bad" happening. I can SLEEP for once. I can recover. I can lower my cholesterol and blood sugar and be active again. I can travel, walk 20k steps in Japan again. Life without TMS would be a life that feels limitless to me. I can achieve everything I ever wanted. That is a lot. I want that so bad. Recently I said to my therapist "I have everything I ever wanted in my life. I want for not a single thing except to live pain free." Imagine that. A beautiful daughter, a mom, friends, a nice little 1 bedroom apartment, and I get to chase my lifelong ambitions in my career. Im lucky. But the pain. The sleeplessness for years on end. It's destroying me.

 

[BloodMoon]

Maybe Ill need it i dont know but before I do any invasive procedures I want to try to rule out TMS.

I completely understand where you’re coming from. It makes total sense not to want to go through invasive procedures unless they’re clearly necessary, so framing this as “let’s rule out TMS first” feels like the safe, logical approach.

I want to gently highlight one subtle but important point, though. It’s not just about wording; it’s about how that framing can nudge your brain. For a lot of people, this is where things get stuck with TMS. If the aim is to “rule out TMS”, it can keep you searching for evidence that the symptoms must be physical, and unintentionally close the door on considering that TMS might be all or part of what’s going on.

Really glad to see you’re doing the SEP (and, from what you mentioned in another thread, that you’re planning to read Schubiner’s book).

 

[sdiddy]

Im not sure If Im supposed to keep posting my EPD in this one thread or make seperate threads? But Ill do one here for now:

Day 2.
I went for a walk with my daughter today and around the 10 minute mark my back of my legs and knees began shutting down again. I dont know what the fuck is going on. It was so much pain that within 15 minutes we had to get home so i could sit down. I went to the bathroom and got down on the floor and stayed on all fours for relief for 15 minutes. I felt like crying. My daughter is outside in the living room and no idea Im on the bathroom floor in pain and anguish from all this. Im holding back tears even now. I wish someone could help me.

Three things that make me feel angry are:
1. Feeling handicapped, weak, useless, inadequate, and unable to do the things I used to. I was an athlete. competitive. fierce. Capable. I was a great basketball player in my youth, fast, great shooter, and when I was older I played golf and was solid as well, shooting in the 70s quite often. I could run and play and was agile. Now a 15 minute walk is almost unbearable.

2. Feeling unseen by the world. Ive always felt a little invisible. Misunderstood. On the outside I may look brooding or even slightly intimidating as a brown skinned and bearded man, but Im one of the kindest most loving humans you have ever met. Only those close to me know that. But the rest of the world constantly misjudges me. Like on dating apps. It sucks. It constantly hurts my ego.

3. The inequality and unfairness of the world. The shitty people get rich and step on everyone to get there. The good people die poor. Shitty people get the hot girl. Good kind men are forgotten. Attractive people get to act horribly and the world reinforces them. And on and on. I hate the way the world is. It makes me angry. I believe in Karma and yet I constantly see good innocent people treated poorly, myself included. My ex wife was a narcissitic abusive psychopath. Literally two faced, pathological liar, who treated a good man horribly for many years until I finally had to leave. My entire childhood was abuse from my dad too and he never stopped. I cut him out of my life 7 years ago. My whole life has been a constant test of my willpower and inner strength to keep going through every form of pain. I lost my only sibling tragically at 33. My younger sister. That same year I got divorced and my ex put me through years of hell. That same year my dad showed his true colors again. And yet I stayed the course. Did therapy. started a new life. Dated 4 beautiful girls sequentially over the span of 6 years, all 4 wanted to marry me. (im not tooting my own horn im only stating this as evidence that im a good man and was always a wonderful doting caring husband). Im a wonderful father to my little girl, my best friend. I made many new friends and started a new career and somehow landed a job working for one of the biggest actors in hollywood, as a second career! this was a dream. But none of it came easy. It was always through pain, anxiety, constant worry and sleeplessness. I dont think of myself as a victim. But Ive had a tougher path than most people I personally know. And yet, I see someone thats truly handicapped and I think to myself "youre so blessed. Some people do have it worse". So im eternally grateful.

Three things that make me feel sad are:
1. Knowing my daughter has to deal with her psychotic mom. And shes so sweet she doesnt even know what manipulation is. Or how my ex lies. Guilts her, and more. I feel so bad for the little girl. Shes well adjusted and sweet and wonderful and doing great but I also know what life with a narcissist parent is like. It does a lot of damage even if we arent aware of it.
2. Thinking I wont be able to do things with my daughter if this pain continues. Take trips. Dance with her at her wedding one day. And so on. It breaks my heart. Id give anything and I mean anything if I knew someone could help me. Id pay $10K right now if someone could guarantee they could "fix" me.
3. The thought of being alone as I get older. As I mentioned I dated a lot after divorce. But I wasnt ready for another life commitment after my ex wife. So I broke up with each of those women. Only one of them was truly a good woman if Im being honest. The others were all too young and troubled to understand true partnership. The last one, we were together about 3.5 years. She was a good woman. She wanted more. I wasnt ready. I let her go. After I let her go I regretted it and tried to get her back but she was already in love with another man. I found myself in a terrible love triangle. It was hell. This was around the time my hip pain started to get much worse btw. After 9 months of this hell I broke it all off and walked away. She wasnt going to leave him. But she didnt want to lose me either. And that triangle was destroying me. It was really hard for months but eventually I moved on and now I feel closure about it all and to be honest wonder why I was so frantic about it at that time. Im not even sure I could build a whole life with her or she was the right one. But at that time it felt like I had to have her to have any chance at happiness. Now, I dont feel that way. I dont miss her. I do miss her dog. But Im ok now.

 

[Cactusflower]

@sdiddy, this is so beautifully vulnerable. You have unpacked so much. I see so many layers, and so many connections from your past to present.
I read so much self-pressure in so many ways, so many heavy emotions.