day 1 -all over again!

[Moppy]

Well I'm back after having had 8 or 9 months with ever diminishing pain (RSI in both arms) for most of that time. Of late I've experienced new pain in my left wrist which is becoming increasingly debilitating. It had been wonderful to be gaining my physical independence back earlier in the year but quite devastating to suddenly find myself spiralling back into the pain cycle, with all the loss of function that accompanies it. I only realized it was probably tms again the other day after several physical therapy treatments that have not helped much, except to lower my bank account!

So here I am again, still dealing with the old issues of being an obsessive perfectionist always seeking approval from others, and sometimes using tbe pain to get out of things i dont want to do (not sure how that fits in with tms but i am ashamed to admit i have done this and I'm sure its relevant). I've recently been studying a painting course (supposed to be for fun!) but I've found myself stressing out about it, pushing myself beyond reasonable expectations, dropping many other activities, and absolutely beating myself up when i dont reach my own ridiculously high standards. If someone says they like my work, i dont believe them and usually make some self deprecating comment.

Whew...i actually hadnt realised all that till i just started writing here.... Anyway, i plan to work thru the SEP again and am quite heartened to find several familiar names back here, it feels like calling in to visit some supportive friends. Bless you all for sharing your personal journeys...its a great gift and one that i really appreciate.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Moppy,

I am glad you have recognized that you're having a TMS "relapse." Such is life! I am glad the writing above helped you see more clearly some of the sources for the inner tension. I would also recommend you start with the TMS Recovery Program, especially if you have not done it yet.

've recently been studying a painting course (supposed to be for fun!) but I've found myself stressing out about it, pushing myself beyond reasonable expectations, dropping many other activities, and absolutely beating myself up when i dont reach my own ridiculously high standards. If someone says they like my work, i dont believe them and usually make some self deprecating comment.

It is easy to imagine how your Inner Child might feel in the inner relationships this paragraph hints at, what kind of feelings might be there that "don't want to be felt."

Good luck in your new journey, and remember you did it once, so this time back is an opportunity to "see more." Not a reason to beat yourself up, but rather an natural process, guided by your inner wisdom.

Andy B

 

[Moppy]

Thank you, Andy. It seems that the same issues still lurk below the surface despite thinking i had moved beyond them. Wise suggestion to revisit the recovery program...i did look at it but in my usual impatient way to "get on with it", I thought i would skip it as I'd done it before! That alone is telling, is it not?!!!

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Moppy. I agree with Andy that your returned pain is a TMS "relapse." I believe that will be temporary and will go away.
It may well have come on because you acknowledge that you are a perfectionist and are putting too much pressure on yourself with that new painting course. Try instead of just enjoy it. Don't paint to please others. Paint to please yourself. I'm a writer and I write books to please me, whether they get published or not.

I love the photo of the dog and pups. They're adorable. If they're yours, try to spend as much time as you can with them. Dogs are a great release from stress.

 

[Moppy]

How lovely to speak with you again, Walt. I take comfort in the words from you and Andy that this is just a TMS relapse. And its also a wake up call that I've more (a lot more) work to do on my attitude to living....i dont need to be "exceptional" in everything i do...i wonder why i put so much pressure on myself? Do you think i need to know WHY in order to change? These dogs belong to my friend but i do have a dog also who is sitting on the couch next to me as a write this....I agree with you, dogs are great de-stressers...if only we could live more in the moment like them!

 

[Andy Bayliss]

i dont need to be "exceptional" in everything i do...i wonder why i put so much pressure on myself? Do you think i need to know WHY in order to change?

I don't think you need to necessarily know "why" you pressure yourself in order to get relief from TMS. You recognize that you pressure yourself. Then it is "A plus B equals C" as far as Dr. Sarno's work goes, simply put . By knowing, through direct experience that you pressure yourself, you then can surmise how the Inner Child might feel, and then acknowledge that these feelings threaten your adult, mature sense of self.

I think knowing why you pressure yourself leads to a deeper connection and compassion for yourself, and yes, this probably leads to a lessening of the tendency to pressure. Understanding leads to love, rather than more pressure. I think this takes some time. It is the loving wish you have for yourself that is so beautiful to read, and important for you right now. I read that it is your aim to not pressure yourself so much, because you feel the suffering around it. This touches my heart, and I think this love for yourself is your growing understanding.