Hello everyone,
So I have had TMS for 2 years now… it started when I took a drug to remove my acne (which I now know was the physical output for my stress and anger). It actually came on in my right shoulder during a fall. It didn't really hurt at the time but the pain got worse after. It then spread into my left shoulder and then into my back. Soon my whole body hurt: my legs, my back, my neck, my arms. It was so awful and I was so scared, sport and going to the gym were my main enjoyments and building myself up was how I dealt with my feelings of inferiority. So when this pain developed in my body at 19 years old I thought my life was over. I went to physio a lot and at times the pain stopped and appeared in other places or just came back. About 4 months of having the pain I went to the doctors and was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I googled it and found that people with this diagnosis actually had TMS (Fibromyalgia is actually a descriptive term for the muscular pain.)
When I read Dr. Sarno's book I experienced what many people with chronic pain also did: I saw myself on every page. It was really like this book was describing me (although aimed at an older audience). It described problems in childhood;
my father died when I was 16 and I have never had a good relationship with either of my parents prior or after he died. I can remember being stressed and conscientious even in junior school. I was sent to boarding school which I found difficult. I had really bad acne throughout my entire teens. My relationship with my older brother is very bad and now we have no contact. I constantly put pressure on myself to do well and achieve but was always very self critical and fearful and therefore not very successful. I have always been my own worse enemy, putting pressure on myself but rarely delivering.
Sarno described my personality:
Perfectionistic, I constantly put pressure on myself to do well or to achieve, whatever I do I never feel like its enough, I am very self critical, putting myself down to others. I have become obsessed with my pain and trying to get rid of TMS.
Stoic, I am no very emotional to other people, when people meet me they might find me quite physically imposing or cool but in reality I probably feel inferior to them.
Worrier, I worry and stress about a lot of things and I often think backwards rather than forwards, getting angry about time I've wasted in the past or why didn't I do this.
Internal conflict, I am at university and I am constantly unsure with what I want to do in my time here, wether I want to go out with my friends or go to the library. When I am in the library I feel like I'm wasting my uni experience and when I go out I find it difficult to enjoy my self because I feel so guilty for wasting time.
Pressure and guilt is a big part of my personality. I put so much pressure on myself to do well but in reality I am quite lazy and then I just feel guilty. I often feel like I am quite useless… in many ways I am my own worst enemy. Sometimes I wish I could turn off my brain so I could just relax and have fun.
Back to my story though… I have done a number of different treatment approaches. I have read both of Sarno's books about 11 times, I have tried journalling, I now meditate twice a day, I have tried visualisation, yoga and breathing techniques. But despite my TMS completely dominating my life I have never committed 6 weeks solely to the process and so here I am… I have also booked into see a physiotherapist who I start with tomorrow.
I understand that I have TMS, that most of what I've described is pretty normal as most my friends are really insecure too but you only realise once you get to know them. But I think I just need to commit to it for a decent amount of time.
I would like to end with a question though. I feel like I am very driven and I know this is because deep down I feel like I am not worth very much. As a result of this I try to follow a routine of early rising, exercise, studying and TMS treatment. This pressure I put on myself is very enraging to my subconscious I understand that but what can I do about it? because I need to follow this strict routine because otherwise I don't have time to do my TMS treatment and complete my Degree. So what can I do? I can't just be lazy or move to the top of a mountain. I feel like I will be answered that just understanding that the pressure I put on myself is causing rage is enough but this I find tricky because I continue to go on living a battle…
Thanks a lot, great to be back. Will be really interesting to see where I am in 6 weeks,
Much love,
Robert
England, United Kingdom
So I have had TMS for 2 years now… it started when I took a drug to remove my acne (which I now know was the physical output for my stress and anger). It actually came on in my right shoulder during a fall. It didn't really hurt at the time but the pain got worse after. It then spread into my left shoulder and then into my back. Soon my whole body hurt: my legs, my back, my neck, my arms. It was so awful and I was so scared, sport and going to the gym were my main enjoyments and building myself up was how I dealt with my feelings of inferiority. So when this pain developed in my body at 19 years old I thought my life was over. I went to physio a lot and at times the pain stopped and appeared in other places or just came back. About 4 months of having the pain I went to the doctors and was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I googled it and found that people with this diagnosis actually had TMS (Fibromyalgia is actually a descriptive term for the muscular pain.)
When I read Dr. Sarno's book I experienced what many people with chronic pain also did: I saw myself on every page. It was really like this book was describing me (although aimed at an older audience). It described problems in childhood;
my father died when I was 16 and I have never had a good relationship with either of my parents prior or after he died. I can remember being stressed and conscientious even in junior school. I was sent to boarding school which I found difficult. I had really bad acne throughout my entire teens. My relationship with my older brother is very bad and now we have no contact. I constantly put pressure on myself to do well and achieve but was always very self critical and fearful and therefore not very successful. I have always been my own worse enemy, putting pressure on myself but rarely delivering.
Sarno described my personality:
Perfectionistic, I constantly put pressure on myself to do well or to achieve, whatever I do I never feel like its enough, I am very self critical, putting myself down to others. I have become obsessed with my pain and trying to get rid of TMS.
Stoic, I am no very emotional to other people, when people meet me they might find me quite physically imposing or cool but in reality I probably feel inferior to them.
Worrier, I worry and stress about a lot of things and I often think backwards rather than forwards, getting angry about time I've wasted in the past or why didn't I do this.
Internal conflict, I am at university and I am constantly unsure with what I want to do in my time here, wether I want to go out with my friends or go to the library. When I am in the library I feel like I'm wasting my uni experience and when I go out I find it difficult to enjoy my self because I feel so guilty for wasting time.
Pressure and guilt is a big part of my personality. I put so much pressure on myself to do well but in reality I am quite lazy and then I just feel guilty. I often feel like I am quite useless… in many ways I am my own worst enemy. Sometimes I wish I could turn off my brain so I could just relax and have fun.
Back to my story though… I have done a number of different treatment approaches. I have read both of Sarno's books about 11 times, I have tried journalling, I now meditate twice a day, I have tried visualisation, yoga and breathing techniques. But despite my TMS completely dominating my life I have never committed 6 weeks solely to the process and so here I am… I have also booked into see a physiotherapist who I start with tomorrow.
I understand that I have TMS, that most of what I've described is pretty normal as most my friends are really insecure too but you only realise once you get to know them. But I think I just need to commit to it for a decent amount of time.
I would like to end with a question though. I feel like I am very driven and I know this is because deep down I feel like I am not worth very much. As a result of this I try to follow a routine of early rising, exercise, studying and TMS treatment. This pressure I put on myself is very enraging to my subconscious I understand that but what can I do about it? because I need to follow this strict routine because otherwise I don't have time to do my TMS treatment and complete my Degree. So what can I do? I can't just be lazy or move to the top of a mountain. I feel like I will be answered that just understanding that the pressure I put on myself is causing rage is enough but this I find tricky because I continue to go on living a battle…
Thanks a lot, great to be back. Will be really interesting to see where I am in 6 weeks,
Much love,
Robert
England, United Kingdom
