Day 1 (again!)

Hello everyone,

So I have had TMS for 2 years now… it started when I took a drug to remove my acne (which I now know was the physical output for my stress and anger). It actually came on in my right shoulder during a fall. It didn't really hurt at the time but the pain got worse after. It then spread into my left shoulder and then into my back. Soon my whole body hurt: my legs, my back, my neck, my arms. It was so awful and I was so scared, sport and going to the gym were my main enjoyments and building myself up was how I dealt with my feelings of inferiority. So when this pain developed in my body at 19 years old I thought my life was over. I went to physio a lot and at times the pain stopped and appeared in other places or just came back. About 4 months of having the pain I went to the doctors and was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I googled it and found that people with this diagnosis actually had TMS (Fibromyalgia is actually a descriptive term for the muscular pain.)

When I read Dr. Sarno's book I experienced what many people with chronic pain also did: I saw myself on every page. It was really like this book was describing me (although aimed at an older audience). It described problems in childhood;
my father died when I was 16 and I have never had a good relationship with either of my parents prior or after he died. I can remember being stressed and conscientious even in junior school. I was sent to boarding school which I found difficult. I had really bad acne throughout my entire teens. My relationship with my older brother is very bad and now we have no contact. I constantly put pressure on myself to do well and achieve but was always very self critical and fearful and therefore not very successful. I have always been my own worse enemy, putting pressure on myself but rarely delivering.

Sarno described my personality:
Perfectionistic, I constantly put pressure on myself to do well or to achieve, whatever I do I never feel like its enough, I am very self critical, putting myself down to others. I have become obsessed with my pain and trying to get rid of TMS.
Stoic, I am no very emotional to other people, when people meet me they might find me quite physically imposing or cool but in reality I probably feel inferior to them.
Worrier, I worry and stress about a lot of things and I often think backwards rather than forwards, getting angry about time I've wasted in the past or why didn't I do this.
Internal conflict, I am at university and I am constantly unsure with what I want to do in my time here, wether I want to go out with my friends or go to the library. When I am in the library I feel like I'm wasting my uni experience and when I go out I find it difficult to enjoy my self because I feel so guilty for wasting time.
Pressure and guilt is a big part of my personality. I put so much pressure on myself to do well but in reality I am quite lazy and then I just feel guilty. I often feel like I am quite useless… in many ways I am my own worst enemy. Sometimes I wish I could turn off my brain so I could just relax and have fun.


Back to my story though… I have done a number of different treatment approaches. I have read both of Sarno's books about 11 times, I have tried journalling, I now meditate twice a day, I have tried visualisation, yoga and breathing techniques. But despite my TMS completely dominating my life I have never committed 6 weeks solely to the process and so here I am… I have also booked into see a physiotherapist who I start with tomorrow.

I understand that I have TMS, that most of what I've described is pretty normal as most my friends are really insecure too but you only realise once you get to know them. But I think I just need to commit to it for a decent amount of time.

I would like to end with a question though. I feel like I am very driven and I know this is because deep down I feel like I am not worth very much. As a result of this I try to follow a routine of early rising, exercise, studying and TMS treatment. This pressure I put on myself is very enraging to my subconscious I understand that but what can I do about it? because I need to follow this strict routine because otherwise I don't have time to do my TMS treatment and complete my Degree. So what can I do? I can't just be lazy or move to the top of a mountain. I feel like I will be answered that just understanding that the pressure I put on myself is causing rage is enough but this I find tricky because I continue to go on living a battle…


Thanks a lot, great to be back. Will be really interesting to see where I am in 6 weeks,

Much love,

Robert
England, United Kingdom

 

Hello Robert,

Be nice to your self! Sooth the inner child, do this work for not more than 30 minutes a day and try to relax.
See the work as a journey. Don't set goals, just try to enjoy the journey. I know this is very hard! But you can try.

Good luck,
Judith

 

Hi Robert,
I know what you mean about putting too much pressure on yourself. It is so difficult to enjoy life when having to deal with constant criticism from within. Been there, no longer doing that! The SEP has so many tools to help us better understand how we pressure ourselves and how this triggers our TMS symptoms. I got so much out of it. Stick with it, the best you can, and you will see results.
Best of luck!