Day 1, again...

I guess I'm posting here for accountability. I first read The MindBody Prescription over a year ago, and like so many, found myself on some of the pages. I started following the daily program and re-reading the book, but lost my way somewhere, and so I am starting over again.

Mine is not the typical Sarno back pain TMS. I guess I fall into the category of TMS equivalents, in my case, primarily Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and various related symptoms. It is sacrilege in the CFS community to discuss CFS as a MindBody or psychogenic illness, but there are no other answers that provide lasting solutions. Moreover, as I read the book, I looked back and saw my life as a series of TMS and TMS equivalent symptoms - travelling aches and pains with no cause that would just disappear over time, back spasms, condromalacia of the knee as a teen, costochondroitis (inflammation in he sternum area) as an adult, OCD behaviors, anxiety, allergies, eye blinking or tearing, and on and on.

But what really put me on this path is debilitating Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which began at an extremely stressful time in my life, both professionally and personally. Work, I won't go into, but suffice to say it was one of the more stressful times in my professional career. At the same time, I discovered I had a good sized tumor on a nerve in my left thigh. It was benign and was removed by surgery at one of the best hospitals in NY, and of course I took it all in stride.

But approx. two months prior to the surgery, the surgeon conducted a biopsy that left me in horrific constant pain that consumed my life for the two months until the surgery. The surgery removed the tumor, and the pain, but left me with scars I didn't even know I had.

The first couple of days post-operative, I was okay. I was home, I was healing and the pain was gone. On day 3, my life changed seemingly forever. I developed profound fatigue and wound up in the ER. They found nothing and we chalked it up to the surgery and the ansthesia. But, as the days turned into weeks, and months, I got sicker and the symptoms got stranger and worse. I went to dozens of doctors, therapists, alternative practitioners, etc., tried every supplement, Rx, diet, etc. that I could find.

I was so weak, and hypersensitive to light and sound I could hardly go outside and drive. I had insomnia that kept me up for days and weeks. But the worst of it was the fog that seemed to surround my brain. I felt like I was watching my life as a movie, like I was not part of the world around me.

But nothing was wrong with me. I did find doctors eventually who helped to some extent. They believed I was sick, they believed I needed help. They told me I had CFS, they told me I had Epstein-Barr and other viruses, they told my I had a hypoactive thyroid, they told me I had adrenal fatigue. They gave me medicines - hormones, steroids, sleep meds, immune boosting shots, vitamins, etc. And I got better, but I did not get well. I could work, and I could fake being normal, but I still struggle every day with the fatigue and the brain fog, and the secondary symptoms that are also likely equivalents of TMS.

There's so much more to my story, but this is getting too long already. The point is that I am a skeptic who wants to believe this is TMS, but it's going to take a lot of work to get there. I do believe in the principles of TMS. I really do. I just don't know how to convince my unconscious brain that I'm on to it. I read the book, I read the success stories, I journal about the things that enrage me, but I feel like a fraud, like I'm missing something, like I'm not being honest enough to find the answer, to find the cure.

I am the sole provider for a family of 5, 7 if you include our two large dogs, and I know that is enough to make anyone's back and shoulder's ache. I have childhood traumas that have extended into adulthood - a brother I don't speak to, parents who I am angry with and resent - also enough to give anyone stress issues. I know these things, but I feel like there's something I don't know, some magic that makes the TMS cure work.

I'm really hoping I find it in this program.

Thank you, in advance, for your listening to me and for any advice and support.