CPTSD and TMS?

[iwire]

Oh my gosh Hummingbird... I want to respond to every single line..... your words brought forth thoughts in me that have been below the surface but unreachable for me--despite digging and digging.....thank you so much for sharing this......

 

[Hummingbird]

Dear Iwire,

It makes me so happy we can share some insight and healing together. There is something so special about not being alone on this journey.

 

[plum]

I do not know how to thank you all for your kind words, your understanding and your gentle encouragement. In my journal today I wrote a very healing entry I thought I could share with you all. I feel quite a shift since I first posted. I think this thread has helped me heal.

This journal entry is thanks enough my darling. To see and to share in this fragility and beauty suffices. As @iwire says it would be tempting to tease words from the twine to reflect upon them but I resist because this piece is a healing gestalt, a homecoming and an inspiration. I'm so touched by it that I have it bookmarked.

In many respects I am in a similar place to you. I possess this precious sensitivity which I have no desire to dull or dim ever again, and so there is great mindfulness around the nurturing and care of it.

My partner suggested that maybe the nervous system is retuning (he is a musician) to a higher frequency or vibration. That with menopause comes a tender invitation to evolve into a different kind of healer. I certainly derive a lot of comfort and certainty from the thought that this is spiritual growth.

During the years of TMS healing I moved away from my spiritual practices but lately the call to return to them has become very strong and heart-centred.

The best ways I have found to nurture and engage in self-care are Nature, the element of water, dance and solitude. These enable me to remain open and sensitive while replenishing me with divine nectar. I love feeling juicy, passionate, abundant and unconditionally loving. These are the boons of shedding that heavy armour. It feels so good.

I pray your life continues to unfurl like a beautiful flower and that this next chapter of your life be filled with Grace, Peace and much Love.

Plum x

 

[Hummingbird]

In many respects I am in a similar place to you. I possess this precious sensitivity which I have no desire to dull or dim ever again, and so there is great mindfulness around the nurturing and care of it.

Dear Plum,

When you write, I re-read and re-read again for your words are like poetry for me, balm to my soul. If you ever write a blog, anything at all...Please tell me so I can read every bit as it is like savouring something delicious.

I love what your partner says about the vibration...I had never imagined that idea before and it made me feel alive to hear it. I wanted to tell you how deeply I also connect to water. Ever since I was a little girl I have found such healing and beauty in water. There is no greater joy for me that to be near a body of water and hear it, see it and savour it. In my snow and winter bound world, water is frozen beneath the ice for many months in winter. When it begins to melt and spring arrives I seek out the paradise of lakes, rivers and creeks and savour them. I have this dream to move near water, to the coast, to be close to the sea.

I love yoga, walking outside, all of nature, writing and connecting with others. I am finding a soul pod of people bit by bit. I have two new friends this year that accept me exactly as I am. My new friends do not understand TMS or anything I have been through really, but they are open and human and I delight in that simplicity. I can just walk or visit and it need not always be deep or complicated. I also can be authentic. I am like a child again, learning that it is okay to go out and play.

I have bookmarked your responses to me as well Plum. I read your words and say "yes, yes, yes, yes!" It feels so good to connect and understand in such a place of vulnerability. It was my birthday this week and this thread was one of my treasured gifts. In times of confusion and emotional pain, it is such a healing experience for me to experience love and acceptance. Nothing is more healing for toxic shame than the realization "I am not alone, not the only person who feels this way, this is me being human like all these other humans..."

I have found some surrender and peace this week. I feel you by my side Plum.
Namaste.

 

[Hummingbird]

You sound very isolated and this is a worry.

Dear Lainey,

I wanted to tell you about an epiphany I had this week. When I am in a triggered state, a flashback of the way I used to feel when I was not safe, or am washed over with intense feelings that I am still learning to recognize and feel, I have this tape I play and it is always that I am all alone. When I was a little girl I was really all alone and so during this time of healing, I revert back to her thinking in distress.

With help from this thread and your post I was able to challenge that thinking and ask myself, "Am I really alone?" I was able to think of the things that I could do that would allow me to connect. I certainly felt incredibly isolated in my distressed state. Yet when I was able to rise out of that state and see that I was safe now, that I was not alone, I could see that I have many options to connect and express myself.

I now hope it is easier for me to recognize that when I feel alone or isolated, that for me I am stuck back in that old loop from surviving as a little girl. I think I found one of the red flags that will help me see that those feelings are not the truth, albeit at the time they sure feel that way. Shame is so very isolating. It takes such courage to reach out and be vulnerable. When I do, I find my way out.

Thanks for your advice, it helped me see a new aspect of my coping in that state.