Day 1 could use some help over the 'hump'

Hey all... Before I start I want to thank anyone who is taking the time to read this and/or offer feedback, I know we all have or had pain at some point and it means a lot to have the support and hearing from others who may have insight that could help me through these struggles. So again, thank you.

Here goes... my main struggle with pain is with widespread vulvodynia, which began in 2008 after two back to back emotionally abusive relationship with two different men over the course of 4 years. The pain was pretty severe until about 2011 when I more or less stopped dating men seriously (minus a few short-term things.) The only serious relationships I had were with two women, which I didn't really have any pain issues with. I would have occasional flare ups, but for the most part my former pain of 8/10 most days has been a 2-3/10 for the last several years.

However, this past year I tried to date a guy seriously again(who is also one of my best friends and who I absolutely adore). This was a difficult, complicated situation from the beginning -- it was a mutual friend of my ex (one of the two women I mentioned, who is now one of my best friends-- you can see where this is going, complicated situation...). She was not supportive of the relationship for a number of reasons, and ultimately it resulted in my guy friend and I ending our relationship and staying friends because it became to difficult as a result of this friend's issues with it (and wanting to maintain friendship with her). However, I was also personally struggling with my own triggers in this relationship with him, such as reminders of my abusive ex from several years ago and, even though I was very attracted to this person, I also felt very 'tense down there' during the course of our relationship. We only had intercourse twice, both times pretty painful afterwards, but even other types of things that would never cause me pain in the past would cause me alot of pain afterwards with him.

I've been having pain again for the last few months at about an 8/10 and feel like it hasn't been letting up even though I've had no sexual contact for months now, I tested negative for all STDs but I was diagnosed with a yeast infection a few weeks ago and took medicine and it seemed to have resolved all of the pain I was having, so I was like 'awesome I guess that's what it was this whole time...' but the friend who I was dating, who I had been avoiding for the last month since our break up, I tried to start hanging out with him again and it came back full-force. Now I just feel stuck because I don't actually know for sure what's causing my pain (e.g. the thoughts that keep going through my head are like "am I having pain because I'm not with him, but that doesn't make sense because I had pain when I tried to be with him, but now I'm not so why am I still in pain..." and round and round).

I'm also having other symptoms too that I didn't have before, like chronic headaches, depression, loss of sexual desire, etc. and having a hard time shaking that it might be physical (even though there's so many reasons for it to be connected to this relationship and the complications from it.) I know a lot of people talk about anger as being linked with TMS, and it's probably a difficult one for me to address because it's hard for me to accept that I may be angry at either of my friends for any reason, since I care for them so much and I don't want to have to stop being friends with them to make the pain go away. Any suggestions on how to get over this 'hump' and where would be a good place to start?

 

Hi Melissa,

You're only on Day 1 of the SEP and have a lot of complicated emotions. Give it time. Keep reading about TMS and do the SEP daily. Things will become clearer to you. At some point you may want to get help from a TMS therapist. There are many listed on this site.

Be patient and persistent. You're on the right path.

Best wishes............

 

Hi, Melissa. I like Ellen's advice and have some to add. I'm sorry your relationships with men have been so unsatisfying and unsuccessful, but I think that's understandable considering how many or most men are today. I'm 86 and a lifelong bachelor
(I stuck with dogs, and wow, are they great friends!)

But don't give up on finding Mr. Right. He's out there, but may not be among men you know or that friends know or have known.
Put yourself in situations and places where you can meet new men, preferably those whose interests and values are like yours. Meet new men at church, clubs, hobbies, volunteering work. I like what I read recently about how to benefit from new relationships...
keep a smile on your face. A frown will turn people away. A smile attracts.