Could use a bit of support </3

[bluealchemy]

Hey guys. I'm not new here, but I've been gone for months.

Some background: My low back and hip pain started around last December. I'm pretty much textbook TMS, with the caretaking I was doing for my family at the time etc etc...

I found some relief using the Sorno method.. I reduced my pain to about 10-20% of what it was by finding some repressed fear, rage, and refuting my multiple back and hip diagnoses... I didn't have a miracle healing, but I had one miracle experience where my back pain went from an 8 to a 3 overnight, and I was suddenly able to bend at the waist and pick things up (there was a time where I couldn't even do that).

However - truth be told, my pain never went away 100%. I learned to refute and ignore it. I'm now fully functional, but there remained a dull ache anytime I arch my back. I just refused to listen to it and paraded on with my exercise routines, and began training jiu jitsu.. which I fell in love with. It really helps me.

Since I started training jiu jitsu, more frequent types of aches and pains (which is normal) - have begun.. Like, shoulder, down my arms, knee, feet, ankles, wrists... All at different times and random. Like my knee will just throb for 5 minutes and then my shoulder will throb. Then back to the same back pain (which always is htere on some level), and then to my right side of my back or hips. It's different everyday but has common areas. I always walk out of jiu jitsu with some sort of pain.

And it breaks my heart, because I don't want to walk away from this sport. Whether or not this is TMS, or damage caused from being the smallest person in the class (and a beginner), jiu jitsu is causing TMS flare ups or repeated strains on my muscles that cause pain. Before you tell me "it's just TMS, ignore it" - this is common for the sport, it's the most injury prone combat sport.. And I've been ACTIVELY refuting it as TMS pain this whole time. But it's still there. And it's waring me down psychologically. I'm starting to feel fearful of causing damage to myself in this sport. Whether it's physical damage, or the reinforcing of TMS cues that gets my brain more addicted to the pain cycles.

Anyways, last night, I got home from training and just melted down in a fit of tears. I can't ignore my bodies pain anymore. It feels wrong. It feels like self betrayal. I have devoted myself to the "ignore the pain and refute the diagnosis" method fully for 6 months.

And that brings me to where I am today, I'm not reaching 100% recovery, and the thoughts are creeping back in. I feel like I'm starting to focus on the pain again.

I have decided to take a step back from training.. Go down to 1 time a week.. And focus on somatic and emotional healing. I also am going to incorporate more strength training. I hope I can go back, but right now, just expressing myself here because I don't know who else to talk to.. That I just feel heartbroken and defeated at the thought of having to quit one of the best new things in my life. I am really sad today.

 

[Cactusflower]

I think perhaps you stopped or never did any TMS work? Did you just learn it existed then carried on as per usual?
If so, you need to truly educate yourself on TMS and the stress mechanism that causes TMS because you are 100% focused only on the physical and the stress the sensations caused.. but not the stress that caused the sensations.

 

[Diana-M]

Hi, Blue,
I’m sorry to hear you are feeling discouraged! Sheesh, TMS can sure do that, as well as raise so many questions as to what’s what. That’s awesome you used the Sarno method and you greatly reduced your pain. That’s great news, because it shows you that it works!

I have a long history of TMS and many times I was able to lower my pain level enough to just ignore the rest. In fact, I’ve lived like that most of my life. However, during that entire time, if I tried to do some new exercise or program or anything new, it would act up again. Maybe this is the case for you now. Or, maybe you really are getting hurt in your training. You said it’s a tough sport. So how do you figure this out? I’m not sure if there’s a way, other than experimenting and doing more Sarno work (journaling, reading) etc. Tou can’t really go wrong with more TMS healing work. It might be the ticket to open this back up for you. Sometimes ignoring isn’t enough.

I hope you feel better soon and work out of this distressing time.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Hi @ARCUser831 -
I'm sorry you're struggling with a setback, but I can assure you that this is quite normal and that everyone experiences them. Also, I think it's important for you to acknowledge that you're still less than 6 months into discovering this work, which in the big picture is almost nothing!

I can see from the list of posts in your profile that you did do a substantial portion of the SEP - you might even have finished it for all I know, but I can see for sure that you got through more days than I ever did back in 2011! In any case, I would first recommend that you go to your own profile, choose the postings tab, scroll down to the bottom and click on "all threads by" which is where you'll find all of your original threads, which isn't too many, so this is totally doable. Reread those, including all of the responses, and get an idea of the kinds of things you were doing then which really helped you.

I may not have done more than a couple of weeks of the SEP but I got some valuable skills out of it, particularly the writing techniques. I would strongly urge you to get out your pen and paper and start writing, because you are full of conflicting emotions about your exercise activities. Mind you, this might indeed be the cause of your setback, or it might be a distraction that is covering up something deeper, and you must be willing to be open to that possibility, as scary as that might be.

In any case, the Jiu-Jitsu as a topic is a great place to start, because you've got quite a tangle of mixed emotions and conflicting perceptions regarding it that you really need to sort out! Heck, based on your presentation, I can't for the life of me figure out why you or anyone gets enjoyment out of a sport that is "the most injury prone" and where regular injuries are considered totally normal. This makes no sense to me, and I'm the one who broke my neck while skiing and my hip while bicycling, so I'm apparently not risk averse, not when I was younger anyway!

So I think you've probably got a ton of material there for some serious and brutally honest introspection.

Remember (or maybe you don't know this): the thing about an emotional conflict is that it will usually lead to repression on some level. You are quite clearly also experiencing a confusing amount of self-judgments, which also results in pressure and ultimately repression.

In other words, you've still got work to do! I urge you to think of this as good news if you can.

 

[bluealchemy]

I think perhaps you stopped or never did any TMS work? Did you just learn it existed then carried on as per usual?

I did the full 30 day TMS course, daily embodiment somatic practices, psychotherapy/EMDR and am in a shadow work support group
There's a lot in my reservoir. I am going to give myself some more grace and patience.

 

[bluealchemy]

: the thing about an emotional conflict is that it will usually lead to repression on some level.

That is fascinating. I never thought of it that way.
My sense is my first step is to remove the self judgement from my experience of either training and not training. I'm taking some time off and will ease back in with care. With out judgement.
The judgement to me feels like "there's just something irrevocably wrong with me"
And the actions I take from that place of judgement > do the most intense sport to try to prove to myself and others that I am not fragile.
Which creates pressure to train with out pain. Or to go a certain number of times a week, to earn new stripes... etc.
I think unless i can remove the pressure and meaning I'm placing on jiu jitsu - maybe I do need to take a break. But if I am able to do it for the joy of it, and listen to my body carefully (WITHOUT JUDGEMENT).. Then that will be alright in moderation.

To answer your question - it is injury prone because it's a combat sport - there are inherent risks involved. I love it because it empowers me to know self defense, makes me feel embodied and empowered. Also, it's a supportive community to be a part of!

 

[bluealchemy]

but not the stress that caused the sensations.

Totally. Thank you for the reminder!
I recommitted to going back into my journaling and am also doing a caffeine detox and cleanse (because I was using food to numb out from feelings)
Within a few days, here I am - swimming in grief over my mothers death. I haven't cried this much in a while. It feels good to unravel it, and I'm going to keep going <3

 

[bluealchemy]

So how do you figure this out? I’m not sure if there’s a way, other than experimenting

So true. And learning to develop a relationship with different types of pain.
Intuitively, I think I can just feel the difference between TMS pain and other discomfort.
I don't usually feel any pain while I am training. It's usually afterwards and when I am going to sleep at night.

I think it's possible that although I am not getting "damaged" in training - it puts me in fight or flight because you are sparring and coming up against competitors who are trying to submit you. There's no way that doesn't impact the nervous system. I think my mission is to approach jiu jitsu from a regulated place, versus a stressed out "trying to prove something" vibe.

I'm taking a pause to re evaluate my intentions and refocus on my emotional work - this will be good for me. And then a slow ease back in method with observation and compassion.

Thank you for your reply!

 

[Diana-M]

It sounds like you’ve had some really good insights come over the past few days!