Kiara
Well known member
Question: Is there anything in your life you feel like you can’t control? How does not being in control make you feel? Can you connect this feeling to a personality trait?
Apart from my health, fatigue and TMS symptoms, one of the hardest things is that I feel I can't really have control over my relationships. It's not so much that I have a strong desire to control people per se, but I have an Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style which makes me more fearful of abandonment and rejection.
I feel sad because I know that my friends (who are mostly single and aged between 18-35) are very likely to move away from me in the next year or two. I also know that I will inevitably lose touch with some of them, as not all people are good at long-distance communication. They also might not share my desire to maintain the friendship, as they don't feel the need to - whereas I struggle and grieve the loss.
I also struggle with being single, as my "love life" is not something I can directly control. Sure, I can meet new people, try online dating, and learn more about relationships - so there is a lot I can do to improve my situation and work on my own emotional/spiritual health. Yet in the end I know that I can't predict when and if I meet someone who is truly right for me, who I could marry.
I also harbour fear of marrying the wrong person, and ending up in a dysfunctional or unhappy marriage. This is partly because my parents divorced when I was young, and even though my parents have new partners and families now, I don't really feel like I want to emulate them. Their relationships are stable now, but don't seem to be particularly happy or fulfilling (at least from my point of view).
Deep down I also fear remaining single, because I really want to have a companion who will always be there with me. I think that is part of my motivation for wanting to be married… more than the sexual and romantic aspects, I really want to have someone who is committed to me and I know is not going to disappear in a few months. So many of my friends keep moving away and this can lead to loneliness.
Anyway, learning about attachment style has helped me significantly in this area, and reminded me that my feelings and needs are natural, normal and to be expected for someone with an Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style. Yet I do wish I could be truly content and fulfilled being single. Sometimes I wonder why other people seem happy and enjoy being single, but I don't. I used to think something was wrong with me, but I'm learning to have self-compassion and grow through the difficult times.
I try to look at this period of my life as a wonderful opportunity for personal and spiritual growth, as I know this could become more challenging once I take on other commitments in future (such as a partner). I've also learned a great deal which will empower me in dating, and enable me to choose a person who is compatible and emotionally healthy. I also want to be more emotionally healthy and secure before entering a relationship, as I don't want to burden my partner with being the sole source of my happiness.
Apart from my health, fatigue and TMS symptoms, one of the hardest things is that I feel I can't really have control over my relationships. It's not so much that I have a strong desire to control people per se, but I have an Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style which makes me more fearful of abandonment and rejection.
I feel sad because I know that my friends (who are mostly single and aged between 18-35) are very likely to move away from me in the next year or two. I also know that I will inevitably lose touch with some of them, as not all people are good at long-distance communication. They also might not share my desire to maintain the friendship, as they don't feel the need to - whereas I struggle and grieve the loss.
I also struggle with being single, as my "love life" is not something I can directly control. Sure, I can meet new people, try online dating, and learn more about relationships - so there is a lot I can do to improve my situation and work on my own emotional/spiritual health. Yet in the end I know that I can't predict when and if I meet someone who is truly right for me, who I could marry.
I also harbour fear of marrying the wrong person, and ending up in a dysfunctional or unhappy marriage. This is partly because my parents divorced when I was young, and even though my parents have new partners and families now, I don't really feel like I want to emulate them. Their relationships are stable now, but don't seem to be particularly happy or fulfilling (at least from my point of view).
Deep down I also fear remaining single, because I really want to have a companion who will always be there with me. I think that is part of my motivation for wanting to be married… more than the sexual and romantic aspects, I really want to have someone who is committed to me and I know is not going to disappear in a few months. So many of my friends keep moving away and this can lead to loneliness.
Anyway, learning about attachment style has helped me significantly in this area, and reminded me that my feelings and needs are natural, normal and to be expected for someone with an Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style. Yet I do wish I could be truly content and fulfilled being single. Sometimes I wonder why other people seem happy and enjoy being single, but I don't. I used to think something was wrong with me, but I'm learning to have self-compassion and grow through the difficult times.
I try to look at this period of my life as a wonderful opportunity for personal and spiritual growth, as I know this could become more challenging once I take on other commitments in future (such as a partner). I've also learned a great deal which will empower me in dating, and enable me to choose a person who is compatible and emotionally healthy. I also want to be more emotionally healthy and secure before entering a relationship, as I don't want to burden my partner with being the sole source of my happiness.
