Day 36 Control and TMS

Question: Is there anything in your life you feel like you can’t control? How does not being in control make you feel? Can you connect this feeling to a personality trait?

Apart from my health, fatigue and TMS symptoms, one of the hardest things is that I feel I can't really have control over my relationships. It's not so much that I have a strong desire to control people per se, but I have an Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style which makes me more fearful of abandonment and rejection.

I feel sad because I know that my friends (who are mostly single and aged between 18-35) are very likely to move away from me in the next year or two. I also know that I will inevitably lose touch with some of them, as not all people are good at long-distance communication. They also might not share my desire to maintain the friendship, as they don't feel the need to - whereas I struggle and grieve the loss.

I also struggle with being single, as my "love life" is not something I can directly control. Sure, I can meet new people, try online dating, and learn more about relationships - so there is a lot I can do to improve my situation and work on my own emotional/spiritual health. Yet in the end I know that I can't predict when and if I meet someone who is truly right for me, who I could marry.

I also harbour fear of marrying the wrong person, and ending up in a dysfunctional or unhappy marriage. This is partly because my parents divorced when I was young, and even though my parents have new partners and families now, I don't really feel like I want to emulate them. Their relationships are stable now, but don't seem to be particularly happy or fulfilling (at least from my point of view).

Deep down I also fear remaining single, because I really want to have a companion who will always be there with me. I think that is part of my motivation for wanting to be married… more than the sexual and romantic aspects, I really want to have someone who is committed to me and I know is not going to disappear in a few months. So many of my friends keep moving away and this can lead to loneliness.

Anyway, learning about attachment style has helped me significantly in this area, and reminded me that my feelings and needs are natural, normal and to be expected for someone with an Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style. Yet I do wish I could be truly content and fulfilled being single. Sometimes I wonder why other people seem happy and enjoy being single, but I don't. I used to think something was wrong with me, but I'm learning to have self-compassion and grow through the difficult times.

I try to look at this period of my life as a wonderful opportunity for personal and spiritual growth, as I know this could become more challenging once I take on other commitments in future (such as a partner). I've also learned a great deal which will empower me in dating, and enable me to choose a person who is compatible and emotionally healthy. I also want to be more emotionally healthy and secure before entering a relationship, as I don't want to burden my partner with being the sole source of my happiness.

 

Your concern are valid....but in my opinion stay out of the future, it only bring anxiety and disappointment if it does not work out. ( in my experiences in looking ahead), stay present only the now matters Laudisco. Love will come when you don't excepct it.

 

Hi, Laudisco. I like the advice Boston Redsox gives. Live in the present, don't think ahead about relationships that may break up,
and keep positive that the right partner is coming and soon.

If you can, get a dog. I've made great friends including a terrific girlfriend by walking my dog in parks. Other dog owners are usually
very nice people.

I too am saddened by friends moving away. It happens... they change jobs or want to live in another climate. Most of my best friends
moved to other parts of the country. We keep in touch by phone or e-mail.

I've come to learn long ago that the only love that is permanent is a dog's love for its owner. Marriages can come and go,
but with a dog, it's truly 'til death do us part.

And remember, spring and love are both just around the corner.

Happy New Year! You may be married and a mother by the time the holidays rolls around again.

 

Love the dog part Walt so true

 

Thanks for sharing Walt and Boston Redsox! That's such a good point - anxiety and fear about the future doesn't help at all. I am gradually learning to live and enjoy the present more and more. Also, my housemate has some wonderful cuddly cats, so they satisfy my need for touch and affection. They are so cute! And even better, I don't have to pay for them…

I've also found that keeping in touch with friends via email, Facebook and Skype can be very rewarding. I've actually made some wonderful friends online lately through various avenues, and they have been a real encouragement as they pray and stay in touch with me.

You know what I realised today? I had a wonderful realisation… that my chronic fatigue has been an amazing gift. I actually feel more relaxed and peaceful than I've ever felt before. I don't have any commitments or pressures to worry about over the next month. And then I realised - I may never get so much free time again in my whole life! After all, if I get married I wouldn't have all this freedom and independence.

This made me more appreciative, as I realised this is a special season of my life where I can experience deeper healing, draw closer to God, and pursue hobbies and passions which I'm excited about.