Connecting personality traits to current stress...???

[Layne]

So I am almost done with the SEP and I am still having trouble connecting my personality traits to current stresses. I have trouble identifying how my personality plays into TMS, period.

For Day 34 I am asked to journal about my personality traits and how they make me handle certain stresses in my life. For example, a huge stress in my life right now is paying off my student loans. My inner child is feeling very, very, very resistant to the idea and I find myself trying to ignore that they are there, waiting, gathering interest. I want them to just go away. I want someone to come along to pay them off. I want to win the lottery. I know it's not a very mature way of looking at this, but I am trying, guys.

I am terrified about how they are going to limit my life in the coming years. I feel like I will be a slave to them as long as they exist (and they are likely to exist for a long time), and the limited freedom scares me and enrages me. I have so many other things I want to do, like travel and be creative and find my entrepreneurial spirit.

I want to know how I can take responsibility for them and how I can begin to take control of the situation. And how do TMS personality traits fit in here? I can see how Dependency does - that one is pretty clear. I haven't fully taken responsibility for going to grad school in the first place, so that is producing stress as well. I am blaming other circumstances for my choosing to go.

Help?

 

[Leslie]

I can see your perfectionist getting triggered right here, Layne. " I find myself trying to ignore that they are there, waiting, gathering interest. I want them to just go away. I want someone to come along to pay them off. I want to win the lottery." Reality and perfection have parted ways, can't be easy for the perfectionist.

 

[Layne]

I really appreciate the insight, but I don't see how that is related to perfectionism? Like I said, I have trouble identifying what behaviors/thoughts link up with which personality traits... :/ It's frustrating.

 

[Leslie]

I could be way off here, but if I'm reading your post correctly, this: " I have so many other things I want to do, like travel and be creative and find my entrepreneurial spirit." is what I am understanding as your current definition of the "perfect" or "ideal" circumstances for your life. The student loans conflict hugely with that so I'm thinking your perfectionist would be angered by the conflict. Additionally, in previous posts your descriptions of yourself and your handling of life circumstances lead me to believe that you are a highly responsible, organized individual who likes to maintain control. Here: "I find myself trying to ignore that they are there, waiting, gathering interest. I want them to just go away. I want someone to come along to pay them off. I want to win the lottery. I know it's not a very mature way of looking at this, but I am trying, guys. " it seems to me that you are telling yourself that your view is immature - which conflicts with responsible and in control, again not "perfect" or "ideal".

I realize this is much easier to suggest than to actually accomplish, but possibly it would help if you try to focus on the present as it pertains to the loans, rather than the future. Rather than be enraged and anxious about the existence and think about all the things you'd rather be doing with the money, could you allow yourself to see the victory and the "taking control" of them that happens each and every time you make a payment? Rather than focus on the total size of the elephant, focus on the fact that it gets smaller and smaller with each payment.

 

[Layne]

Ahhhh I see now, thank you! And you're absolutely right. Those things are parts of my ideal life, indeed. I can totally see how my perfectionist is triggered - the tension created... And yes, I am highly responsible and (usually) organized. That organization flew the coop during my thesis - it felt like my brain couldn't think linearly to save my life. Boy was that enraging. That was part of the "cognitive issues" I had been having. And yes, I'm a total control freak. I think you're right about the immaturity thing, too... I am so grateful you broke it down for me like this!

Just yesterday I actually resolved to just start paying, no matter how little I can pay at first because ignoring them will do absolutely nothing for me.

Thank you!!!

 

[Leslie]

I'm glad I could help! Focusing on the elephant, instead of the holes from the bites that are taken is a tendency of mine that I have been working to change for almost 15 years - sometimes I'm better at it than others - but I do know first hand how difficult it is to do! When I am able to successfully change my focus it never ceases to amaze me how quickly it goes from being a full grown elephant in Africa to a little stuffed Dumbo on a shelf in a child's playroom.

Your new resolve sounds very mature and responsible so me! That's the route that will eventually lead to freedom from the elephant, ignoring them would eventually result in putting you even further from your "perfect" life and make you angrier. My understanding of student loans (if things haven't changed) is that they are one of the top financial responsibilities that can make or break your credit very quickly. If you find yourself having difficulty managing them I would suggest you look out for your best interests by contacting the lender and discussing other options as quickly as possible.