Confronted parents about childhood

H

Hopeful_Alexandra

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Hi everyone!
I haven't posted in awhile but I have had a very tumultuous few days and I thought it would be good to get my feelings down. I am nearing the end of Schubiner's workbook (for the first time- I improved about 70% just by reading his and other books, but I decided to go "all the way.")

At the end of the book, he describes how for some people with lingering symptoms/pain, they actually need to have those very difficult conversations that they would much rather avoid. I wasn't sure if I fell in this category as I expressed a lot of the anger I felt towards my parents in the earlier part of the workbook (not to them directly), but I definitely felt that, at times, my relationship with my parents has been strained because I have not been honest with them about a lot of the anger and sadness I have been carrying as a holdover from a difficult childhood (depressed mother who couldn't give me the emotional support I needed).

This weekend when visiting with my mom I brought up that I was hesitant about having children because of the family history of postpartum and kind of went from there. After we talked a little bit about it I felt good- like a burden had been lifted. She apparently had no idea how her depression affected me. What happened later was not so good- dad, mom, and I were together and he told me that he was equally to blame, if not more, as he was not a good husband and caused a lot of issues in their marriage. And for some reason that made me feel worse- like now I have a whole new reservoir of hurt and anger brewing.

Maybe it was a mistake to talk about it with them- I don't know. But at least I am no longer repressing it, I guess! Today has been a horrible day and I hope I start to feel better soon.

Would appreciate any support/comments. Thanks <3
 
Sounds like you had a good dialog with your Mom, Alexandra. Good for you for approaching it the way you did.
Sorry you felt bad after your Dad's comments. It makes me realize that we often don't see the whole situation, but only a piece of it. It also strikes me that it took courage on his part to acknowledge his role.
Congratulate yourself on opening up such honest communication with your parents. That was a courageous step.
 
Hi Alexandra

Sometimes a post really hits a nerve of somehting that is going on in your own life : yours did for me

I did something similar a couple of years ago. Must say : i don't know if i would do it again if i look back now.
the problem is : besides the fact you get "it out of your system"something else will probably come back in return..just like you also mentioned. I did for me too. Of course :being honest can sounds in some way for your parents as criticism and in my case i got the feeling
they replied in a way that would sugest : maybe i was a bit "oversensitive" in a way like : 'well in everyones
childhood has"little " stuff..no household is perfect etc etc.
And at some point it made me doubt because of that: maybe i was too sensitive?
I even talked to my two sisters and they acted like they did not really understand what i was saying
Now: my dad had died and my mother is getting old,,i try to think as it as : they did the best they could"
and knew how : they had their own issues growing up" That is all you really can do with that.
But i also try to give some space" to myself..maybe they would not agree " with how i feel about these things (the same with my sisters) but i was affecting by certain things and must come to peace with that. So if they accept it, recognize it or not : these are real feelings for me.
And i start to think also that it made me how i am : fearfull and worried a lot..so it had absolute effect on how
i am today.
I think telling these things to your parents : you put your finger on a wound : they would not like that. Mine did not.
Even my sisters : they know what i mean : but maybe it is much "easier"' for them to think of our childhood
as "it was fine"etc. They do not want to get into that. Because it is scarry and think that certain things are maybe left
in the past for them. But , like you i noticed it is not like that..it is still " a thing"
so thank you for your post : i have been strugling with this myself and wondering maybe i should see a therapist
and try to make some piece with it myself.. Your post made me rethink

Karina
 
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Hopeful_Alexandra said:
Hi everyone!
I haven't posted in awhile but I have had a very tumultuous few days and I thought it would be good to get my feelings down. I am nearing the end of Schubiner's workbook (for the first time- I improved about 70% just by reading his and other books, but I decided to go "all the way.")

At the end of the book, he describes how for some people with lingering symptoms/pain, they actually need to have those very difficult conversations that they would much rather avoid. I wasn't sure if I fell in this category as I expressed a lot of the anger I felt towards my parents in the earlier part of the workbook (not to them directly), but I definitely felt that, at times, my relationship with my parents has been strained because I have not been honest with them about a lot of the anger and sadness I have been carrying as a holdover from a difficult childhood (depressed mother who couldn't give me the emotional support I needed).

This weekend when visiting with my mom I brought up that I was hesitant about having children because of the family history of postpartum and kind of went from there. After we talked a little bit about it I felt good- like a burden had been lifted. She apparently had no idea how her depression affected me. What happened later was not so good- dad, mom, and I were together and he told me that he was equally to blame, if not more, as he was not a good husband and caused a lot of issues in their marriage. And for some reason that made me feel worse- like now I have a whole new reservoir of hurt and anger brewing.

Maybe it was a mistake to talk about it with them- I don't know. But at least I am no longer repressing it, I guess! Today has been a horrible day and I hope I start to feel better soon.

Would appreciate any support/comments. Thanks <3
Click to expand...

Hi Alexandra,

I'm sorry that you're currently going through a difficult time. I'm sure things will improve from here on in.

I think relationship with parents are the source of most of our inner conflict and quite often it can be difficult to get past certain events. Quite often, how one moves forward depends upon the nature of the individual circumstance. Sometimes it's just not possible to forgive.

That said, although these conversations with our parents seem like a good idea, they often bring about more tension and anger. More often than not, we regret ever having started them because we never truly feel like justice has been done or we've reached a desired outcome.

That said, one approach that I utilise is the old technique of replaying the conversation or conflict in my mind and expressing what I would have said. I feel it allows me to express my emotions and put some distance and not fracture a relationship.

Unfortunately, with alot of conflicts we cannot really understand the other persons own struggles or fight. That said, providing something extreme hasn't fractured the relationship, I think it's best, for ourselves to try and look within and forgive, as hard as it may be. The problem with storing these emotions is that they can and will surface over and over again. Since our emotions hold the key to our well being we need to almost feel compassion for the other party and be both loving and kind to ourself. Assuring ourselves we are safe and far from harm.

This is a little summary of a practice that I perform daily and I hope it will help you move forward.

Forgiveness,compassion and loving-kindness Meditation
it is possible to cultivate forgiveness through meditation. Some Western Buddhist meditation teachers begin loving-kindness practice with a three-part forgiveness practice asking forgiveness of all those you may have harmed, through thoughts, words, or actions. You then offer forgiveness for any harm others have caused you through their thoughts, words and actions, as best you are able. Finally, you offer forgiveness to yourself for any harm you have done to yourself. These phrases are repeated a number of times, then you move on to loving-kindness practice, having cultivated the intention to remove the reactions that cloud the mind and the emotions that block the heart. Your responsibility is for your intention; you are practicing clarifying and purifying the intention to be a forgiving person, no matter the difficult circumstance. Many times your actual emotional experience will be anger, rage, fear, grief-anything but forgiveness. This is why it's called forgiveness practice.

Good luck in your continued journey. To Your health and cultivating those relationships that are dear to you.

God bless.
 
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I kinda know how you feel. I had 2 discussions with my wife and they were not the best.
So I saw a therapist a few times which helped. I also let my wife know I was seeing one. She is ok with it and in an indirect way it lets her know that I will not NOT talk about it. Because really its within me. My reaction, my feeling my perception of the situation are MINE. They may not see it the same way.
But if its important to you and can release tension and anger than so be it.
 
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