Changing from a negative to a positive attitude

[cafe_bustelo]

For the past month I've been working on my attitude and it has been by far the biggest breakthrough for me personally. And I don't mean just my attitude towards my symptoms, but changing my overall attitude towards life from pessimism to optimism.

I had lived with an incredibly pessimistic attitude my entire life from maybe age 8 or so, because I thought having this pessimistic attitude was keeping me safe—and in many ways it was, but ultimately I believe it primed me for TMS.

I was just watching one of Dan B's most viewed success stories where this guy said he used to see life as "a series of gut punches that you have to be ready for." Part of his recovery was changing his attitude about life; visualizing good things instead of bad, expecting things to go well instead of expecting the worst and not even enjoying it when things go well. All of that really hit home with me.

I've dealt with pretty awful symptoms at times but I still feel like the hardest part of TMS so far has been changing my negative attitude to a positive attitude. I'm convinced now that it is absolutely essential for so many of us. I think the nervous system simply cannot get out of fear while you are still thinking everything is awful, even if you are absolutely certain that you are right and that everything truly is awful. Is it really serving you to fixate on all the worst parts of your reality?

I had to ask myself this, and the answer was a gigantic NO, ACTUALLY. Your thoughts are what create your reality—I didn't buy this at first, but I'll be damned, in my experience it's true. And I don't mean like blindly disregarding the facts of my life and living in a fairyland but accepting difficult things as they are and approaching them with an attitude of, well, this is not my favorite situation but later I'm going to do something I really love, or maybe I can't change what's happening but I can approach this in a way that feels more like me and that gives me a sense of power. It's weird to say but I feel like a different person in an amazing way since I've been approaching life this way for the past month.

I'm finally coming to understand how TMS is really just fear, or more specifically fear of fear (as Claire Weekes would confirm). Which makes a lot of sense when you look at what's going on in the world and the rise in mind-body symptoms. I'm not fully convinced that the world is actually worse in every way than it has ever been, and in fact I think that every generation to some extent feels the world is going to hell or about to end—you can see that all throughout history. But I do think that at the moment we have a real epidemic of fear more than anything.

Getting better is just about the opposite of fear, which is living. Full stop. Living with as much joy and meaning as possible, and without fear, or living in spite of fear! Making your life about living, because god damn it how else could your life ever be worth living? That's what I didn't understand, and needed to have TMS to finally get. Do I wish I could have gotten there without the symptoms? Yeah, of course, but it's soo much easier to accept when you start to realize that your future is actually going to be better from now on. And if that feels unbelievable, just try it on for a day.

Anyway I'm just sharing this because I couldn't imagine recovering without working on these beliefs. Maybe it will help you as well?

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Once again, mindset is the topic. As in THE topic - the one to really pay attention to, and to take seriously. Along with @cafe_bustelo and others who have talked about this recently, I believe that mindset is the key that changes everything.

Changing your mindset is easier said than done for most people, admittedly. It's a huge change, and humans inherently tend to resist anything that is outside of their comfort zone - even when that zone is unsustainable TMS symptoms! Let's never forget that we are always dealing with an evolutionarily-constructed brain bias towards negativity and pessimism.

Fortunately, the prospect of recovery is a strong motivator. But for a few people, adopting any amount of optimism in their mindset will be like pulling teeth and they will do anything to avoid it. I'm going to make a radical and possibly polarizing statement, and say that those are the ones who will not recover.

As @cafe_bustelo explained really well, adopting an optimistic mindset is NOT about putting on a facade of false positivity. That's usually referred to as toxic positivity, and in fact I see it as an attempt to justify the continued repression of negative emotions. Which is Sarno 101.

Like anything else, cultivating optimism takes time and practice. The way to get started is to be mindful of the negative thoughts automatically generated by your fearful brain, and then to practice responding with rational and constructive self-talk. Repeat as needed. And remember that even when constructive optimism seems to be more of your default setting, that old primitive negative bias will be waiting to trip you up. I can assure you that the time it takes to reverse course will lessen as you get better at it.

Great post @cafe_bustelo.

 

[cafe_bustelo]

Thanks for pulling some key points out of my unfocused rant, Jan, haha.

I wanted to add that before I could change my mindset I first needed to awaken to how severe it actually was. I did the assessment in Martin Seligman’s Learned Optimism and then I had my partner do it. She scored a healthy average. I was way off the charts into the negative. And that made a ton of sense with how we approach life; I’ve always assumed the worst and fixated on the bad, she’s not the opposite of that but is able to actually enjoy the good things in life without being constantly on edge waiting for the next rug pull. Anyway after seeing those numbers I could no longer ignore that this was a barrier for me to actually get better.

As you said, the hardest part is starting. But once I got the ball rolling it didn’t really take that long to start to feel like, “holy $&#% how have I been living like this for so long.” I have days where I feel like I did when I was a kid in summer, just waking up smiling because I’m excited for my day, or for no reason. I implore you, anyone reading this, to not ignore this if any of what I’m saying resonates with you!

 

[Booble]

For the past month I've been working on my attitude and it has been by far the biggest breakthrough for me personally. And I don't mean just my attitude towards my symptoms, but changing my overall attitude towards life from pessimism to optimism.

I had lived with an incredibly pessimistic attitude my entire life from maybe age 8 or so, because I thought having this pessimistic attitude was keeping me safe—and in many ways it was, but ultimately I believe it primed me for TMS.

I was just watching one of Dan B's most viewed success stories where this guy said he used to see life as "a series of gut punches that you have to be ready for." Part of his recovery was changing his attitude about life; visualizing good things instead of bad, expecting things to go well instead of expecting the worst and not even enjoying it when things go well. All of that really hit home with me.

I've dealt with pretty awful symptoms at times but I still feel like the hardest part of TMS so far has been changing my negative attitude to a positive attitude. I'm convinced now that it is absolutely essential for so many of us. I think the nervous system simply cannot get out of fear while you are still thinking everything is awful, even if you are absolutely certain that you are right and that everything truly is awful. Is it really serving you to fixate on all the worst parts of your reality?

I had to ask myself this, and the answer was a gigantic NO, ACTUALLY. Your thoughts are what create your reality—I didn't buy this at first, but I'll be damned, in my experience it's true. And I don't mean like blindly disregarding the facts of my life and living in a fairyland but accepting difficult things as they are and approaching them with an attitude of, well, this is not my favorite situation but later I'm going to do something I really love, or maybe I can't change what's happening but I can approach this in a way that feels more like me and that gives me a sense of power. It's weird to say but I feel like a different person in an amazing way since I've been approaching life this way for the past month.

I'm finally coming to understand how TMS is really just fear, or more specifically fear of fear (as Claire Weekes would confirm). Which makes a lot of sense when you look at what's going on in the world and the rise in mind-body symptoms. I'm not fully convinced that the world is actually worse in every way than it has ever been, and in fact I think that every generation to some extent feels the world is going to hell or about to end—you can see that all throughout history. But I do think that at the moment we have a real epidemic of fear more than anything.

Getting better is just about the opposite of fear, which is living. Full stop. Living with as much joy and meaning as possible, and without fear, or living in spite of fear! Making your life about living, because god damn it how else could your life ever be worth living? That's what I didn't understand, and needed to have TMS to finally get. Do I wish I could have gotten there without the symptoms? Yeah, of course, but it's soo much easier to accept when you start to realize that your future is actually going to be better from now on. And if that feels unbelievable, just try it on for a day.

Anyway I'm just sharing this because I couldn't imagine recovering without working on these beliefs. Maybe it will help you as well?

I love this! Back in the 1980s, we were very into learning about positivity. We used to put up motivational posters with positive messages. The next generation rolled their eyes and ripped them down. They replaced them with sarcastic negative pessimistic ones that had the look of the originals. It just got worse from there.

When I was new in the workplace we used to listen to motivational audio tapes. My favorite was Brian Tracy's "Psychology of Achievement." It was based on all different kinds of research of the day. I kept the tapes in my car and would play them over and over again. In one part of it (which is going to sound weird) he talked about how you have to like yourself. He encouraged people to say, "I like myself. I like myself. I LIKE myself!" I remember once I was going to be a guest speaker at a college class. I got to the campus early and I was starting to get nervous about speaking in front of the large class. The physical symptoms were starting up. So I popped in one of the tapes and then on my way walking to the class I kept saying, "I like myself!" LOL. It worked.

Another interesting learning was the book by Maxwell Maltz called "PsychoCybernetics." Maxwell Maltz was a plastic surgeon. He noticed that when he took someone with a deformity in their face and made them beautiful they would still look in the mirror and still see themselves as ugly. He couldn't believe it! Over time and stuying up on it he realized that they had to change how they pictured themselves on the INSIDE in order to see themselves beautiful on the outside. Fascinating stuff.

Anyway, yes, yes, and yes on focusing on the positive and not the negative and pessimistic! Life is so much better that way.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

In one part of it (which is going to sound weird) he talked about how you have to like yourself.

I think the problem, and you're right, is that this sounds weird. Why does it sound weird? Seems like a pretty valid concept - I imagine it sounds a lot weirder for those who have TMS than those who don't...

 

[cafe_bustelo]

I love this! Back in the 1980s, we were very into learning about positivity. We used to put up motivational posters with positive messages. The next generation rolled their eyes and ripped them down. They replaced them with sarcastic negative pessimistic ones that had the look of the originals. It just got worse from there.

When I was new in the workplace we used to listen to motivational audio tapes. My favorite was Brian Tracy's "Psychology of Achievement." It was based on all different kinds of research of the day. I kept the tapes in my car and would play them over and over again. In one part of it (which is going to sound weird) he talked about how you have to like yourself. He encouraged people to say, "I like myself. I like myself. I LIKE myself!" I remember once I was going to be a guest speaker at a college class. I got to the campus early and I was starting to get nervous about speaking in front of the large class. The physical symptoms were starting up. So I popped in one of the tapes and then on my way walking to the class I kept saying, "I like myself!" LOL. It worked.

Another interesting learning was the book by Maxwell Maltz called "Cybernetics." Maxwell Maltz was a plastic surgeon. He noticed that when he took someone with a deformity in their face and made them beautiful they would still look in the mirror and still see themselves as ugly. He couldn't believe it! Over time and stuying up on it he realized that they had to change how they pictured themselves on the INSIDE in order to see themselves beautiful on the outside. Fascinating stuff.

Anyway, yes, yes, and yes on focusing on the positive and not the negative and pessimistic! Life is so much better that way.

Really insightful, thanks. I definitely follow on from that generation (though I was born in the 90s) in that I grew up rolling my eyes at positivity. I mean I think like with anything you want balance—it can't be toxic positivity like Jan was saying. But my life was out of balance unbelievably far into the negative - it is so incredible to realize, as if waking from a bad dream, that everything I previously believed to be fixed and certain is not (necessarily) true, and way more negotiable than I thought.

The plastic surgery thing is really interesting. When I was in my early 20s I was obsessed with my appearance for a while and had a very low opinion of myself (of course, like all TMSers). I did notice however during this period that I could look in the mirror and depending on what thoughts I was thinking, it was as if my facial features would actually start to change. I don't mean that literally, I wasn't hallucinating or on drugs and they looked the same, but I mean I was just perceiving them differently. If I thought about being more beautiful and attractive, I would start seeing that in myself, and vice versa, if I thought "maybe my nose is actually too small" then that is what I would see. I experimented with this out of curiosity and found that I could jerk my self perception back and forth almost instantaneously; it was dizzying but at least a little enlightening. I should note that I was (and still am at times) very self-obsessed, another TMS classic.

 

[Booble]

I did notice however during this period that I could look in the mirror and depending on what thoughts I was thinking, it was as if my facial features would actually start to change.

Very cool. That's a great way to really remind yourself of the power of the brain.
I have a similar thing with being able to "change" how I think I look. If I'm worried about, say, my thyroid and wondering if I'm gaining weight then when I look at my thighs they look giant. Then if I change my fear and worry about, say, my liver or cancer and if I'm losing too much weight and look at my thighs.....they look scarily scrawny.
Same dang thighs. Can either look too fat or too thin. Go figure!

I really hope you continue on the path of positivity and optimism. It's too bad that being negative is so popular right now. That's no way to live!
Best of luck to you on your journey.

 

[Booble]

I think the problem, and you're right, is that this sounds weird. Why does it sound weird? Seems like a pretty valid concept - I imagine it sounds a lot weirder for those who have TMS than those who don't...

Well, the part that was weird was in repeating over and over, out loud, "I like myself. I like myself." I can still here Brian Tracy's voice in my head saying even though it was 40 (errrrp) years ago.

 

[Ellen]

I believe that mindset is the key that changes everything.

Great post, @JanAtheCPA . I think "mindset" is a good word to use. When I first read Sarno and had the realization that I was causing my TMS, it empowered me because now I could change it. I wasn't a victim any longer of my body, my genetics, my childhood, my circumstances, other people, etc.

How we set out to change our mindset is as varied and different as all the minds out there. It's hard to explain how we think we did it to others. But on this Forum we keep trying in hope that something we write will inspire someone else's recovery. It's a beautiful thing.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

How we set out to change our mindset is as varied and different as all the minds out there. It's hard to explain how we think we did it to others. But on this Forum we keep trying in hope that something we write will inspire someone else's recovery. It's a beautiful thing.

Brilliant subtext to the mission statement of our forum, Ellen!

 

[Booble]

But for a few people, adopting any amount of optimism in their mindset will be like pulling teeth and they will do anything to avoid it. I'm going to make a radical and possibly polarizing statement, and say that those are the ones who will not recover.

This is the interesting part and where the "lizard" brain comes into play. It's so good at tempting us into pessimism and staying down the same way it tempts the dieter to eat that second piece of cake.

I mentioned the Psychocybernetics book (the plastic surgeon) and that reminds about changing our BELIEF ABOUT OURSELVES. If we believe we are X, we will feel like we are X. But we can work to change that to Y or Z. The book also has some interesting parts about how humans are goal seeking mechanisms. If we have a goal our body will naturally do the things to reach it. It will course correct like a thermostat along the way. If we don't have a goal, we are like a boat adrift. I think that's when our lizard brain takes ahold of the steering wheel...and watch out....it's a crazy driver!

 

[JanAtheCPA]

If we don't have a goal, we are like a boat adrift. I think that's when our lizard brain takes ahold of the steering wheel...and watch out....it's a crazy driver!

And a brilliant analogy!

 

[Mani]

As @cafe_bustelo explained really well, adopting an optimistic mindset is NOT about putting on a facade of false positivity. That's usually referred to as toxic positivity, and in fact I see it as an attempt to justify the continued repression of negative emotions. Which is Sarno 101.

Exactly. “Just change your mindset dude” How helpful; as if i hadnt thought of that myself. For a lot of us, thoughts are just another form of tms. I cant just stop having the weirdest thoughts. I can accept having them. That doesnt suddenly make them great thoughts

Generating self compassion isnt just something you decide to do one day. It is a genuine process of accepting asituation as it is in the moment.

You cant just say “tralalala im so positive oh life is so beautiful”

Just be positive dude, change your mindset. Yeah its not that easy. Its possible, but defo not the quick fix some people refer to it as. I think some people just dont know how debilitating intrusive thoughts can be

 

[cafe_bustelo]

Exactly. “Just change your mindset dude” How helpful; as if i hadnt thought of that myself. For a lot of us, thoughts are just another form of tms. I cant just stop having the weirdest thoughts. I can accept having them. That doesnt suddenly make them great thoughts

Generating self compassion isnt just something you decide to do one do. It is a genuine acceptance of a situation as it is in the moment.

You cant just say “tralalala im so positive oh life is so beautiful”

Just be positive dude, change your mindset. Yeah it’s not that easy. It’s possible, but defo not the quick fix some people refer to it as. I think you just dont know how debilitating intrusive thoughts can be

Debilitating intrusive thoughts was my life for years before TMS. I thought that was an unchangeable aspect of how my brain functions and the best I could hope for was to distract from it. That didn’t work after a while and the thoughts got louder and then with the right physical trigger I started to have symptoms.

I may sound evangelistic now but I genuinely did not think it was possible to change my mindset until I started doing it (I believe thinking change is impossible is part of TMS; it’s a form of fear).

But I wouldn’t say I started by trying to change my thoughts; I might even disagree with that part of the Learned Optimism protocol. Dan Buglio also doesn’t advocate this, he says to allow (which to me is different from truly accepting; I don’t think you have to accept what your thoughts are saying—what they’re saying is bullshit most of the time, but you do have to accept that you’re having them).

I started by trying to change my life. And I started with small things, like taking an hour every day to read in the sun when I got home from work. I asked myself, what do I like doing for pure enjoyment, over and over until I got answers that weren’t just things that I thought I should be doing or that were part of my perfectionist self image. Then I gradually started to incorporate those things in my life. None of this has been particularly planned, it’s just happened gradually. I wrote down a list of five things I wanted to do in the future, some big (like teaching a music class, something I’ve been wanting to do for a while) and some really small (like finishing the book I was reading). Did I complete all these things? It doesn’t matter. The point was I was starting to create regular things to look forward to which started to give me more reasons to be excited for tomorrow instead of dreading every day.

I don’t know that this kind of work will work for you; in fact I would say that if you followed everything I did to a T it probably wouldn’t, because our lives are different and you do have to find your own way. But I do think one way or another you have to have the courage to take back your life. Right now your imagination is running wild with all the terrible things that your life could be, right? You want to give your imagination something MORE captivating to fixate on than your symptoms and your situation (this is Abraham Low’s view of things, as laid out in Mental Health Through Will Training). That doesn’t have to be big, it could be, I’m so psyched to watch this movie later, or to chat with my friend. I think it’s good to have a mix of big and small.

I agree that a “positive attitude” is hard to pull out of thin air, and I want to be clear that that is not what I did, I didn’t just start smiling one day, there was a lot more to it. Although eventually I did start smiling deliberately because I noticed it makes me feel good, but that came later!

 

[Diana-M]

I’m working with a mind-body coach right now that says all of TMS is a result of being stuck in a state of chronic survival. And when you can get yourself out of that, the symptoms will subside as a by product. This is different from other things I’ve tried. I’m seeing some signs of relief. Maybe it will resonate with you. Just throwing this out there in case you want to try something along these lines. I think focusing on the rage and the trauma keeps you stuck in survival mode. Pressure to heal or else your life will be ruined or wasted keeps you stuck in survival. You can see some real impact from bottom up approaches. Somatic tracking, somatic healing. The body knows what’s going on. It tells the brain. Calm your body and you’ll calm your brain. That’s what I’m learning lately.

 

[Booble]

I think focusing on the rage and the trauma keeps you stuck in survival mode.

For me I don't think anyone, including Sarno, is suggesting to focus on the rage. In many ways it's the reverse. It's more like giving yourself permission to feel the rage, which as a "goodists" we aren't allowed, so there's no need for it to hide under symptoms any more. Skipping that step means it's always there and always has a reason to offer up symptoms. Depending what you are dealing with you can work around it with other things but Sarno was on to something for various aches and pains. I like to rewatch the old 20/20 video from time to time as a reminder of how powerful it is for those suffering from TMS derived pain.

 

[Diana-M]

For me I don't think anyone, including Sarno, is suggesting to focus on the rage. In many ways it's the reverse. It's more like giving yourself permission to feel the rage, which as a "goodists" we aren't allowed, so there's no need for it to hide under symptoms any more. Skipping that step means it's always there and always has a reason to offer up symptoms. Depending what you are dealing with you can work around it with other things but Sarno was on to something for various aches and pains. I like to rewatch the old 20/20 video from time to time as a reminder of how powerful it is for those suffering from TMS derived pain.

Oh! Got you. I meant “focus on pulling the hidden rage to the surface” to feel it, so your TMS will go away. I think there are scenarios where the rage is bottomless. It’s not hiding anymore—because you know why you have it. (Childhood trauma, for example). But acknowledging it doesn’t make TMs go away. All it does is retraumatize. And if nervous system disregulation is part of why you have symptoms, focusing on trauma for even a small amount of time keeps you disregulated.

 

[Ellen]

Oh! Got you. I meant “focus on pulling the hidden rage to the surface” to feel it, so your TMS will go away. I think there are scenarios where the rage is bottomless. It’s not hiding anymore—because you know why you have it. (Childhood trauma, for example). But acknowledging it doesn’t make TMs go away. All it does is retraumatize. And if nervous system disregulation is part of why you have symptoms, focusing on trauma for even a small amount of time keeps you disregulated.

I think there is an important piece missing in this formulation. Yes, identifying your deep emotions and feeling them is not sufficient to change TMS. There has to be a cognitive component --a change in one's thinking about the situation.

This can be put in Sarno/Freudian language where one reaches the emotions generated by the subconscious (the inner child) and brings them into current conscious awareness (the inner adult), and applies a more enlightened reasoning to them that changes one's understanding. This is a cognitive process that results in personal growth.

Many of us also look at this change in a spiritual context. We have grown and are more enlightened.

If looked at from the neural pathways model, there is new learning that creates new neural pathways. Without the new learning, we are just replaying the greatest hits of our emotional pain and reactivating the same old neural pathways.

 

[Diana-M]

This is a cognitive process that results in personal growth.

Like forgiveness?

 

[Booble]

Like forgiveness?

Like understanding.

I don't think forgiveness is helpful because it sometimes shoves those feelings right back down. Forgiveness is the people pleaser's response (that often we've already done).
I think it's helping the little one in you be allowed those negative emotions, helping the little one understand, and then helping the little one release.
(Though note that they often come back and thus the need to repeat the process in the future.)