what a journey this has been in only 4 days. from first discovering the book (healing back pain), finding this site, and the many ups and downs already. however, last night and today have been the most challenging, as well. 2 days ago I was able to fight through the pain and do 2 x 30 min sessions on the treadmill after 2 months of only being able to walk a few feet or stand upright for a few seconds (butt / leg / back pain becomes too severe). it was a great breakthrough for me. I noticed I was very sore after and had a rough time sleeping that night (not being able to sleep due to pain is one of my biggest concerns / fears). I chalked it up to a temporary increase in pain, and yesterday I did another 35 min session on the treadmill, refusing to let the pain or fear slow me down. it was more painful than the previous day, but it was after that the real trouble started. I had intense pain, pretty much unrelenting w no relief positions from the early evening, and all night (I barely slept). this has me very frustrated, angry and discouraged. the funny thing is that I no longer have the great fear or anxiety wit the pain that was there before reading the book. however this unrelenting pain is not something I can easily dismiss or ignore. the worst part is that I cannot keep up w the treadmill today, as the pain it creates for hours after is not something my body will allow me to do. this is a terrible dilemma as I so want to continue moving / exercising but I cannot handle the extreme escalation / duration of pain that follows. I also tend to feel very self destructive when I have a setback like this. I had been cutting back on my pain medication as I was feeling better esp. during rest, with little or no pain. I refuse to up the medication again, and in fact I have now decided to not take any more medication, period, regardless the pain. I have always hated taking the medication, as I know it is all harmful to take long term. I have also decided to go on a water fast. I don't know what the research says about this w TMS, but it gives me a sense of control over my situation. I have done 84 hr fasts before (based on research done at UCLA) for general health. I will continue my work through this site, readings and I am adding daily mindfulness.