Hello fellow soldiers 
I am new here and wanted to say hi and get a bit of feedback if possible.
I titled this "catch 22" because that's what it feels like I am in; my health problems are preventing me from living independently from my family, yet I think that being dependent on and living with my family is making my health worse and worse. I'll give a wee bit of background info…
I'm 22 and live with my parents. I had been going to community college part time until taking an involuntary medical withdrawal due to light sensitivity so severe that I had to shut myself in my room and use red-tinted lightbulbs.
My first experience with PPD/TMS/MBS/whatever you would like to call it was in elementary school when I stood up from bed one morning and collapsed. I had lost all control over my knees, and spent days crawling.
Throughout high school, I experienced back pain, neck pain, migraines, chronic fatigue, stomach problems, insomnia, and light/sress-induced vertigo. I was also spending as little time at home as possible, abusing alcohol, and taking adderall and an SSRIs.
Two years ago things started getting bad. Looking back, I realized I swapped one set of external means for emotional regulation for another. I went from being out all the time, not caring about classes, and surrounding myself with friends to spending most of my time alone, studying, or trying to build relationships with my family. I quit smoking and excessive alcohol consumption, and instead adopted obsessive bike riding and an eating disorder.
I soon sustained a knee injury from biking that was so severe that I could barely walk. An exam and an MRI found nothing but swelling. The diagnosis? a "kneecap issue" due to overuse. This injury was devastating for me, and set off a cascade of health problems.
These problems include: constant migraine, urinary frequency, concussion symptoms every time I bump my head, joint pain (mostly the knee that I injured) severe gastro problems (bloating, constipation, diarrhea, reflux, nausea), all-body stiffness/tenderness/pain, chest pain, heart palpitations, and lack of a menstrual period.
I have normal MRI and CT scans. I've also had extensive blood work done and am in perfect health aside from high cortisol, slightly low anti-dihuretic hormone, and no detectable estrogen in my blood (despite it being produced by my brain just fine). The latter two abnormalities are common for people who have eating disorders, but since mine lasted only 3 months and I have been at a healthy weight for 18 months now, you'd think they don't need to exist anymore.
Over the course of these two years, I have attributed my symptoms to a variety of things, from concussions to past drug and alcohol abuse to getting myself off SSRIs. I now see that these things were merely opportunities for PPD to manifest, and that my obsession, fear, and devastation regarding my spiraling health exacerbated the symptoms.
I now realize that the root of my problems is my mind. I've had Stockholm Syndrome essentially my whole life. I sustained many injuries before the age of 5 in the hands of people that were supposed to protect me. My childhood was neglectful and emotionally abusive, and subsequently I've been in nothing but abusive relationships. I also have PTSD from being trapped for 7 weeks in a jeuvinile correction program that utilized relentless physical abuse and psychological torture. I have also been sexually attacked twice.
The most recent changes (likely due to realizations about my life and my askew world view) have been a decrease in my neurological, urinary, and musculoskeletal symptoms (so long, chiropractor!), and an increase in nausea, reflux, panic attacks, nightmares, depression, and anger. I also have a new symptom: nerve pain and dysfunction (numbness, burning, tingling, stabbing) of my feet, lower legs, wrists, and hands, along with stiffness and decreased dexterity of my hands and feet. This is the scariest one yet, as it seems less "TMS-y," so to speak. I've also been quick to blame the Cipro (antibiotic) that I took a few months ago. I've had a sensation of terror and claustrophobia within my own body for a while now, and this new symptom is really feeding that fear and making it hard for me to walk and play the guitar.
I have read The Divided Mind and have just received Unlearn Your Pain. I've also just started therapy with a dude who isn't a TMS specialist but is very holistic and open-minded. I'm also journalling, recording dreams, and learning everything I can about the workings of abuse and how to rewire your brain after a lifelong experience of it. In general I feel extremely alone and damaged beyond repair (and super frustrated that I am living in a triggering environment), but lucky to have the resources and drive to heal (psychologically and physically) as much as I can.
Sorry for the length--I totally wasn't expecting it to be that long when I started it. I really appreciate having the opportunity to write it all out. If you read it, thank you Any feedback would be lovely. I am curious to hear if any of you have similarities or insight.
Much love to all of you!
I am new here and wanted to say hi and get a bit of feedback if possible.I titled this "catch 22" because that's what it feels like I am in; my health problems are preventing me from living independently from my family, yet I think that being dependent on and living with my family is making my health worse and worse. I'll give a wee bit of background info…
I'm 22 and live with my parents. I had been going to community college part time until taking an involuntary medical withdrawal due to light sensitivity so severe that I had to shut myself in my room and use red-tinted lightbulbs.
My first experience with PPD/TMS/MBS/whatever you would like to call it was in elementary school when I stood up from bed one morning and collapsed. I had lost all control over my knees, and spent days crawling.
Throughout high school, I experienced back pain, neck pain, migraines, chronic fatigue, stomach problems, insomnia, and light/sress-induced vertigo. I was also spending as little time at home as possible, abusing alcohol, and taking adderall and an SSRIs.
Two years ago things started getting bad. Looking back, I realized I swapped one set of external means for emotional regulation for another. I went from being out all the time, not caring about classes, and surrounding myself with friends to spending most of my time alone, studying, or trying to build relationships with my family. I quit smoking and excessive alcohol consumption, and instead adopted obsessive bike riding and an eating disorder.
I soon sustained a knee injury from biking that was so severe that I could barely walk. An exam and an MRI found nothing but swelling. The diagnosis? a "kneecap issue" due to overuse. This injury was devastating for me, and set off a cascade of health problems.
These problems include: constant migraine, urinary frequency, concussion symptoms every time I bump my head, joint pain (mostly the knee that I injured) severe gastro problems (bloating, constipation, diarrhea, reflux, nausea), all-body stiffness/tenderness/pain, chest pain, heart palpitations, and lack of a menstrual period.
I have normal MRI and CT scans. I've also had extensive blood work done and am in perfect health aside from high cortisol, slightly low anti-dihuretic hormone, and no detectable estrogen in my blood (despite it being produced by my brain just fine). The latter two abnormalities are common for people who have eating disorders, but since mine lasted only 3 months and I have been at a healthy weight for 18 months now, you'd think they don't need to exist anymore.
Over the course of these two years, I have attributed my symptoms to a variety of things, from concussions to past drug and alcohol abuse to getting myself off SSRIs. I now see that these things were merely opportunities for PPD to manifest, and that my obsession, fear, and devastation regarding my spiraling health exacerbated the symptoms.
I now realize that the root of my problems is my mind. I've had Stockholm Syndrome essentially my whole life. I sustained many injuries before the age of 5 in the hands of people that were supposed to protect me. My childhood was neglectful and emotionally abusive, and subsequently I've been in nothing but abusive relationships. I also have PTSD from being trapped for 7 weeks in a jeuvinile correction program that utilized relentless physical abuse and psychological torture. I have also been sexually attacked twice.
The most recent changes (likely due to realizations about my life and my askew world view) have been a decrease in my neurological, urinary, and musculoskeletal symptoms (so long, chiropractor!), and an increase in nausea, reflux, panic attacks, nightmares, depression, and anger. I also have a new symptom: nerve pain and dysfunction (numbness, burning, tingling, stabbing) of my feet, lower legs, wrists, and hands, along with stiffness and decreased dexterity of my hands and feet. This is the scariest one yet, as it seems less "TMS-y," so to speak. I've also been quick to blame the Cipro (antibiotic) that I took a few months ago. I've had a sensation of terror and claustrophobia within my own body for a while now, and this new symptom is really feeding that fear and making it hard for me to walk and play the guitar.
I have read The Divided Mind and have just received Unlearn Your Pain. I've also just started therapy with a dude who isn't a TMS specialist but is very holistic and open-minded. I'm also journalling, recording dreams, and learning everything I can about the workings of abuse and how to rewire your brain after a lifelong experience of it. In general I feel extremely alone and damaged beyond repair (and super frustrated that I am living in a triggering environment), but lucky to have the resources and drive to heal (psychologically and physically) as much as I can.
Sorry for the length--I totally wasn't expecting it to be that long when I started it. I really appreciate having the opportunity to write it all out. If you read it, thank you
Any feedback would be lovely. I am curious to hear if any of you have similarities or insight.Much love to all of you!
