Caretaking, anticipatory grief and how to stop living in the future

[Patty Cakes]

I think there's something really important in what you're saying about recognising the patterns we've learned and how much meaning and responsibility we attach to them.

I can relate to what you're saying, particularly how responsibility can somehow end up on our shoulders, even when we never asked for it. My husband, for instance, is always wanting to get things done to the house that, quite honestly, don't bother me in the slightest. But then, when the tradesmen we've hired inevitably cock something up, guess who ends up getting involved in putting it right? It drives me nuts, especially when it was something I wasn't particularly bothered about in the first place!

Perhaps sometimes we become so caught up in the roles we play in our relationships that we lose sight of where our own needs and feelings fit in. And maybe letting go isn't about caring any less, but about releasing some of the guilt and responsibility we carry, and finding a way to care without losing ourselves in the process.
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Both of your posts really hit home for me today. When my husband called from rehab in a full panic, dumping all his frustration and unworkable demands onto me, I realized I was standing in front of a closed steel door trying to use logic. Instead of getting pulled into the spiral or trying to fix it, I just said, 'I got to go, I'll talk to you later, goodbye,' and hung up. Then I took a deep breath, dropped my shoulders, and forced myself to focus on something right here in the house. It's so hard not to absorb it all, but walking away like that is the only way I can protect my own peace.

 

[BloodMoon]

@Patty Cakes I think there's a real strength in what you've shared here. Recognising that you don't have to engage, explain yourself or absorb someone else's chaos is such an important step. You can't control what someone else brings to you, but you can choose how much of it you allow yourself to carry. That's self-care. I think there's a lot to be proud of in that.