Caretaking, anticipatory grief and how to stop living in the future

[Patty Cakes]

Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to help us see things we couldn’t see for ourselves. And once you see it, you can’t unsee it. It can be difficult to recognise these patterns when you’re in the middle of them, especially when you’ve spent so long questioning yourself. But this awareness can be a springboard to finding your voice again, trusting your own instincts and reclaiming your autonomy.

Thank you so much for your insight and understanding.

 

[Patty Cakes]

I'm finding the pain worse when I get up in the morning. Like this morning, my whole left side is just in a huge flare-up and I can't stop my dreams. Is there something else I can do to calm this down when it hits this bad? I didn't think I was doing any difficult emotional work yesterday but perhaps I did. My dreams do tend to be about the emotional work or themes I'm working through. I"m almost afraid to continue this work because, at times, the pain is worse than it normally would be. I feel at times I'm going one step forward and two steps back.

 

[Cactusflower]

"I feel at times I'm going one step forward and two steps back."

Such can be the nature of TMS healing. We actually teach ourselves the most on the days we feel we are struggling, because it's about how you approach the struggle.
My best work is done on those days when I can say "today is just a DAY" and do my best to get through it without fighting the symptoms, without resisting the difficulties, and having some self-compassion. Tomorrow is another day. This is the most calming thing you can do, and over time you'll train your mind not to freak out on rough days: you may have symptoms but you won't have so much emotional suffering: anxiety, worry, fear, fixing, focus etc. over them. This is actually a very large part of the work. Trying to "calm" yourself is another method of fixing - and although I haven't read the book you are reading, I don't think it's a method the author would suggest because forcing yourself to calm is using willpower.

There is often more to the occurrence of symptoms than a simple association of emotion. Sometimes the brain simply expects pain because pain or symptoms become the brain's habit. When you are in the thick of it, there isn't anything to "do" - it simply just is. That can be hard to experience, and hard to understand because we've learned to associate the symptoms with something is "wrong" or a "problem" but some days are just hard and we don't need to figure out why, or even worry about if it's the work or isn't the work or worry about any cause/effect because the simple answer is Who Knows?!

It's like your dreams. Dreams are just dreams, and it sounds like your mind might be sensing you clinging to the idea that there is something "wrong" with your dreams and you've had some fear of them. Dreams are dreams. You can't control them (which is the beauty of them), and they can't hurt you. Just let it go.

Things I "do" on days that are challenging: Recognize that "doing" won't solve a single thing. Reminding myself that healing has phases and this too will pass (which is hard, but it does pass). Finding things I can do regularly to help my nervous system (not everyone likes to do his, or even recommends it - this is a choice) and not just on "hard" days but on many days: meditation, walking and looking at nature, sitting quietly, listening to music, getting up to walk or move every hour or so, engaging in any kind of hobby or enjoyable busy work, (even if it's not enjoyable in the moment or hasn't been for a while) Sometimes it's even hard to enjoy the things we used to do - it will come back over time.

 

[Patty Cakes]

"I feel at times I'm going one step forward and two steps back."

Such can be the nature of TMS healing. We actually teach ourselves the most on the days we feel we are struggling, because it's about how you approach the struggle.
My best work is done on those days when I can say "today is just a DAY" and do my best to get through it without fighting the symptoms, without resisting the difficulties, and having some self-compassion. Tomorrow is another day. This is the most calming thing you can do, and over time you'll train your mind not to freak out on rough days: you may have symptoms but you won't have so much emotional suffering: anxiety, worry, fear, fixing, focus etc. over them. This is actually a very large part of the work. Trying to "calm" yourself is another method of fixing - and although I haven't read the book you are reading, I don't think it's a method the author would suggest because forcing yourself to calm is using willpower.

There is often more to the occurrence of symptoms than a simple association of emotion. Sometimes the brain simply expects pain because pain or symptoms become the brain's habit. When you are in the thick of it, there isn't anything to "do" - it simply just is. That can be hard to experience, and hard to understand because we've learned to associate the symptoms with something is "wrong" or a "problem" but some days are just hard and we don't need to figure out why, or even worry about if it's the work or isn't the work or worry about any cause/effect because the simple answer is Who Knows?!

It's like your dreams. Dreams are just dreams, and it sounds like your mind might be sensing you clinging to the idea that there is something "wrong" with your dreams and you've had some fear of them. Dreams are dreams. You can't control them (which is the beauty of them), and they can't hurt you. Just let it go.

Things I "do" on days that are challenging: Recognize that "doing" won't solve a single thing. Reminding myself that healing has phases and this too will pass (which is hard, but it does pass). Finding things I can do regularly to help my nervous system (not everyone likes to do his, or even recommends it - this is a choice) and not just on "hard" days but on many days: meditation, walking and looking at nature, sitting quietly, listening to music, getting up to walk or move every hour or so, engaging in any kind of hobby or enjoyable busy work, (even if it's not enjoyable in the moment or hasn't been for a while) Sometimes it's even hard to enjoy the things we used to do - it will come back over time.

Thanks for putting that in perspective for me. I've had the pain for so long, that I've always searched for an "answer". LIke today, the pain was so bad and I began thinking "did I do a lot more emotional work than I have done other days?" I guess it's hard to get out of that mindset. So tomorrow I will try to listen to some music, go outside, etc and remind myself that today is just a day. Thanks again for the reminders.

 

[Margot!!]

@Patty Cakes Great work! Ive found that most of the things that increase pain for me are related to childhood and unacknowledged feelings of shame. When I experience a situation that arouses my childhood wounds, Ive realized that the related emotions are almost always anxiety fear and shame. Fear of being judged and embarrassed, the shame of being worried about being judged and embarrassed. Now I know that and when the pain increases, I have a place to start. @Adam Coloretti (coach) thank you for sharing your triggers, I find that my body also reacts to shame and guilt, very validating

 

[Patty Cakes]

@Patty Cakes Great work! Ive found that most of the things that increase pain for me are related to childhood and unacknowledged feelings of shame. When I experience a situation that arouses my childhood wounds, Ive realized that the related emotions are almost always anxiety fear and shame. Fear of being judged and embarrassed, the shame of being worried about being judged and embarrassed. Now I know that and when the pain increases, I have a place to start. @Adam Coloretti (coach) thank you for sharing your triggers, I find that my body also reacts to shame and guilt, very validating

Thank you for sharing this, Margot. It is so validating to read. I've spent so long trying to hunt down physical 'answers' for every ache, and realizing how deeply unacknowledged emotions and old wounds tie right into physical tension makes so much sense. It really gives us a better place to start instead of just panicking when the pain flares up. I can set up a cozy, safe space at home, but I find it so hard to actually know how to give myself true self-compassion underneath it all. Reading your words helps more than you know. Thank you for putting that into words.

 

[Patty Cakes]

I was digging through an old book of favorite sayings I put together decades ago, and this one jumped out at me today. It has always meant so much to me, and it feels especially true for the work we are all doing here: "When nothing seems to help, I go and look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow, it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it, but all that had gone before." Some days it feels like we are just hammering away with no visible change, but all these quiet moments of trying to understand our bodies and let go of the old pathways are adding up. Thought I would share in case it speaks to anyone else today.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

I was digging through an old book of favorite sayings I put together decades ago, and this one jumped out at me today. It has always meant so much to me, and it feels especially true for the work we are all doing here: "When nothing seems to help, I go and look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow, it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it, but all that had gone before." Some days it feels like we are just hammering away with no visible change, but all these quiet moments of trying to understand our bodies and let go of the old pathways are adding up. Thought I would share in case it speaks to anyone else today.

It's an analogy I use also! I'd also stress the importance of acknowledging progress - you told me that the upper levels of pain are largely gone, that's massive progress (so you have already cracked the stone so to speak). If people are too narrow in their view of progress, such as just looking at how often the symptoms are there (which is often not the first thing to change), then they can get discouraged and quit when there actually are really good signs of progress. The first signs of progress for me were to do with flares, specifically the intensity of them and their duration. My pain was largely the same, but flare ups went from like a week to 4 days. That's something that's easily missed (and brushed off as insignificant), but that's actually massive progress and led to the more traditional views of progress for me later on

 

[Patty Cakes]

It's an analogy I use also! I'd also stress the importance of acknowledging progress - you told me that the upper levels of pain are largely gone, that's massive progress (so you have already cracked the stone so to speak). If people are too narrow in their view of progress, such as just looking at how often the symptoms are there (which is often not the first thing to change), then they can get discouraged and quit when there actually are really good signs of progress. The first signs of progress for me were to do with flares, specifically the intensity of them and their duration. My pain was largely the same, but flare ups went from like a week to 4 days. That's something that's easily missed (and brushed off as insignificant), but that's actually massive progress and led to the more traditional views of progress for me later on

I’ve been noticing something fascinating about how my body reacts. Even just thinking about a frustrating past task—like struggling with a messed up BJ's account (happened earlier today)—can instantly trigger a mild right-sided flare-up. The difference now is that instead of spiraling into a massive level-10 reaction, I can catch it and keep the flare down to a manageable level by recognizing it as just a nervous system habit. I"ve noticed it with other things that caused me pain in the past and even thinking about it can instantly cause me pain. It's amazing to me that just your thoughts of previous pain can cause myself to feel the pain again. I never realized that thoughts were so powerful.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

I’ve been noticing something fascinating about how my body reacts. Even just thinking about a frustrating past task—like struggling with a messed up BJ's account (happened earlier today)—can instantly trigger a mild right-sided flare-up. The difference now is that instead of spiraling into a massive level-10 reaction, I can catch it and keep the flare down to a manageable level by recognizing it as just a nervous system habit. I"ve noticed it with other things that caused me pain in the past and even thinking about it can instantly cause me pain. It's amazing to me that just your thoughts of previous pain can cause myself to feel the pain again. I never realized that thoughts were so powerful.

Yes! The brain pathways and wiring for emotional and physical pain heavily cross over.

 

[Patty Cakes]

I was reading through some of Claire Weekes' books, and she often talks about the idea of "floating" through anxiety and symptoms. But honestly, floating has a connotation of water and drowning, since I am not a swimmer.

I was trying to picture another word instead of floating, and it made me think of the Tanya Tucker song "Strong Enough to Bend," which has always spoken straight to my heart. It’s that analogy of a tree that didn’t break down—a tree that stands firm, right in the middle of the storm.

To this day, I've always loved trees and that image of deep roots. When everything around me is swirling and loud, a tree doesn't need to fight, float, or make a fuss. It just stands quietly, letting its entire history, strength, and resilience be written right into its branches and its deep, unshakeable roots.

Is that a good image to use, instead of floating past your thoughts, anxiety, etc.? That you are strong, like that tree, and the thoughts, pain, and childhood memories can blow through, but you remain standing?